I'm easily brought to tears. Because the content of my mind and soul fills more than my body can contain already. There is no need for a bigger amount of instability to make

My heart is aching. I am fragile. I cannot deal with raised voice, and especially not sudden change in talking volume. I do not know whether it is just who I am, or it is what I'm brought up to be.

Death is slowly reaching it's old status as the right solution.

I write to feel better, feel to stay alive, stay alive to please, please to feel validated, feel validated to live. But why do I live? At the end it is all gonna end up as a lie after all.

I do not want what I have, what I am, what I have become, what I had. I do not want anything. I do not want to live in a world, that cannot coexist.

In multiple ways I'm a minority. I'm in the weaker link. The weakest of the weaker of the weak.


Survival of the fittest? Is that not the rule of nature?
- As a person who believes in science, I am ready to admit I am weak and willing to accelerate the process and stop existing at this very moment.

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Dear Alex,
The ghost of you seems to be what draws me towards the people who end up either becoming a great friend or a disappointment. I need to face that there is nobody out there who's gonna be just like you.

Something that I have been dwelling lately is love and attraction.

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For so long UWC felt like the home I was longing for...But today didn't give me the slightest bit of reorganization with those feelings. I feel so dumb about it, and I don't feel like I'm the one who deserves to be there. I do not know whether I'm sad because I know I won't be chosen or just annoyed about how little I care. I wish I was better at socializing. I wish I had a more interesting personality.

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I got a very big imagination, and I like to create parallel reality in my head. Sometimes it collides with the truth, but it is where I find comfort.

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There is this girl that I liked. I feel like I loved her. I feel like I was hurt. I feel like I was left without no explanation, I feel like I should not have met her. I feel like I was her mistake. I hate her. I hate me. I hate me for interrupting her life. I hate her for letting me. I hate you also. Should you not haave been there to stop me?

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I'm going to the UWC day on Sunday. It will be packed with meeting new people and showing the best side of myself. But the thing is I have completely forgotten what side of me I want to show. There is no longer a part of me I feel like I should be hiding. If i get selected I don't want to be selected as someone I'm trying to be, I want to be selected for who I am and the purity behind my intentions.

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Somehow this is what everything leads me back to. I do not know whether it the writing or the memory of our friendship that causes this relief. I will try to make this a habit, get it back into my system. I remember stopping writing because I thought it was what caused the hurting, but now that it has been months since I stopped writing, I can feel that hurt is always hurt. Maybe writing will help me clear things out. So that is what I'll do and maybe alongside it could improve my writing skills. 

I'm now in gymnasium studying in a science field with the main subjects biotechnology, maths and physics. Let me be honest, this is not quite what I would say is enjoying life. I hate physics and it is just something I seem to care about. But I somehow managed to get a good grade last term, and even though I'll be strongly disappointed by this upcoming term grade, ,I think that is what will make the most sense. I used to love maths, and in some part of my heart deep down I hopefully still do. But the lessons are way too unstructured, and my teacher is way too engaged with the material that he seems to forget that he is actually teaching young people, who are just now learning. Now to the amazing part, I love and enjoy biotechnology a lot. It's incredibly fascinating. But I feel like my interest isn't adequate compared to my fellow students, who all seem to be completely fascinated by science and studying. 

-Quick jump

   - I seem to have become someone I never thought I would be. Now well.... that is quite a lie. I knew that all the underlying pressure would get to me at some point, but I didn't see bursting out like this. I have moments in life where I really do enjoy living, but apart from these moments life is quite melancholic. 

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