Dear,
Life has turned out to be much better than I would have expected but I'm sure that a huge part of it is due to me being able to change my attitude towards life. Looking back it's quite tragic to witness how hopeless I used to feel and how lonely I was. However, I'm quite relieved that I had the will to hang in there because had my actions been as loud as my words, I highly doubt that I would be alive to this day. I do actually wonder about what exactly gave me the strength?
I think I have some things that I have to admit to myself. The "you" I created never existed and never have I encountered anyone that could resemble the story of you a bit at least. But for some reason I kept clinging on to this illusion at that time. Maybe it was some kind of self-help or maybe it actually worked as the opposite. I actually don't know.
I must admit that loneliness is a feeling that shows up now and then still. There are times like this where I feel like a burden to the ones who I actually care about me and I feel like that they despite me. But this is just a flow of thoughts and they too shall soon dissappear. Life gets better for each day and this is how I've been feeling since 2017. It's all about perspective.

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Dear,
It's been a while and progress have been made.

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January 2016

Hello dear,
It's been quite a while hasn't it? I have been busy with all sorts of things, but now I'm gonna try make this a habit. Let's try to make it a monthly deal yeah? Let me start this by summing up how the first month of this year went.

This year started in a very odd location and with equally odd celebration. My dad and I were in India for treatment and our flight home was Jan 01 3 am which meant we spent New Years Eve at the hotel. In Tamil Nadu, India new year isn't widely celebrated because of the cultural difference. Tamils celebrate new year around Jan 14th and hindus celebrate arounf April 14th. But anyway I was kinda upset about how we couldn't celebrate like we do home. But to be honest we don't make a big deal at home either. But anyway the first week at home I was really positive and everyone was happy, now that we aren't now, but it was like full on the "new year, new me"- attitude. I had started on my medication and treatment,but I managed to stay positive with the help of my doctor. So I'm still on meds.

In this year I've also started going to singing lessons, which really is a challenge for me. But it's nice to have a hobby. I'm not very used to this and my hands are cramping, so I'll cut this short.

Yours always,
A

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I'm easily brought to tears. Because the content of my mind and soul fills more than my body can contain already. There is no need for a bigger amount of instability to make

My heart is aching. I am fragile. I cannot deal with raised voice, and especially not sudden change in talking volume. I do not know whether it is just who I am, or it is what I'm brought up to be.

Death is slowly reaching it's old status as the right solution.

I write to feel better, feel to stay alive, stay alive to please, please to feel validated, feel validated to live. But why do I live? At the end it is all gonna end up as a lie after all.

I do not want what I have, what I am, what I have become, what I had. I do not want anything. I do not want to live in a world, that cannot coexist.

In multiple ways I'm a minority. I'm in the weaker link. The weakest of the weaker of the weak.


Survival of the fittest? Is that not the rule of nature?
- As a person who believes in science, I am ready to admit I am weak and willing to accelerate the process and stop existing at this very moment.

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Dear Alex,
The ghost of you seems to be what draws me towards the people who end up either becoming a great friend or a disappointment. I need to face that there is nobody out there who's gonna be just like you.

Something that I have been dwelling lately is love and attraction.

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For so long UWC felt like the home I was longing for...But today didn't give me the slightest bit of reorganization with those feelings. I feel so dumb about it, and I don't feel like I'm the one who deserves to be there. I do not know whether I'm sad because I know I won't be chosen or just annoyed about how little I care. I wish I was better at socializing. I wish I had a more interesting personality.

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I got a very big imagination, and I like to create parallel reality in my head. Sometimes it collides with the truth, but it is where I find comfort.

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There is this girl that I liked. I feel like I loved her. I feel like I was hurt. I feel like I was left without no explanation, I feel like I should not have met her. I feel like I was her mistake. I hate her. I hate me. I hate me for interrupting her life. I hate her for letting me. I hate you also. Should you not haave been there to stop me?

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I'm going to the UWC day on Sunday. It will be packed with meeting new people and showing the best side of myself. But the thing is I have completely forgotten what side of me I want to show. There is no longer a part of me I feel like I should be hiding. If i get selected I don't want to be selected as someone I'm trying to be, I want to be selected for who I am and the purity behind my intentions.

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