Dear Alex, 
Today has been alright, nothing special happened. But I still feel like I got a lot to tell you. Oh, I showed R the picture of you. He said that you look more like his brother. Maybe you do, but when I say I see you in R. I mean the way you are. You are both the most amazing boys, I've ever known. I've been thinking about this thing for a while. It really bothers me. You are the only person who loved me, even after knowing everything about me. You gave me the hope about boys back, but then you were gone. I lost my hope again. Because I think the only reason you loved and understood me, was because you're an Angel. My sad empty feelings are starting to get back to me now. I really don't like it, but this time I'll try to control better. I don't want the summer to come. I know everyone loves summer, and want sun and holiday. But I don't. I want this spring to last forever. I don't even want holidays. If I could be away from home forever, I would. R and his mates are moving away this summer. I wish it was me moving. I just can't accept the fact that when I finally find some people I like, they move away. There are no reason to be here anymore. I don't get it. I'm gonna try enjoy the last months as much as possible. People tell me to get over it. Fucking get over it. Are they crazy? This isn't some kinda break-up to get over. If anybody ever knew as much as you did, they would hate me. They would wish they didn't know me.

The past 2 years R has been the memory about you that kept me alive. But what will I do after summer? What if we don't talk anymore? I hope we do. But there is no chance. I think he's the type who only keeps in touch with a very very few people. It's funny, how I'm always the one who care too much or have to let go.
But I guess that's how life is.

To a happier thing. My new mission is to learn skateboarding before the summer is over. Sounds great,right? I know what's on your mind,right now. But I think my balance is better now. Well, I hope it is.

-A

Read More

Dear Alex, 
Are you playing with some kinda magic? Because every time I tell you about something and then the next day it happens. Like I told you yesterday about how I wish I still had a pic of you. And then I found an old pic saved on my computer as "Abekat". omg, how come I totally forgot that it used to be your nickname? Today hasn't been that interesting. R wasn't at school, so J and I couldn't start the project. But I talked with him now. He's feeling a little bit better now, so he'll be there tomorrow. He's very excited to see the picture of you. I think he was the  first one who asked me for it. It's not the best picture tho. It doesn't really show your beautiful eyes. Sometimes I wonder why you always hid your beautiful face behind your hair, but then again....How would girls be able to breathe? ;) Well, do you remember talking about whether to get spider or snake bites? Yeah, it's the pic where you're trying the snake-bite look. J said that you look hot. Well, I can't deny. But I hated the way she said it. My little jealousy problem never left me, I still get jealous about the smallest things. I just can't control. But I've learned to control my anger better. You should be proud of me. I haven't got in any big fights since I moved to this school. I'm rocking the innocent girl- style.

I had a dream about you last night, and for once it wasn't a bad one. It was a memory. Do you remember trying to learn me to skate? I do. I clearly do aha. I've been thinking about trying again. But I'm just scared. Not scared of falling, but of failing. Should I give it a go?

-A

Read More

Dear Alex,
from now on this blog is dedicated to you. I finally realized why blogging have helped me, it's because I need to tell someone everything like I did with you. Do you remember our chats? I loved hearing about your day. It was so amazing how the distance meant nothing, and that we could talk about everything. Like we just knew people from each other's life without even knowing them... Those were the times.
I hope you're alright.I know you're alright. Must  be amazing to finally spend time with your mum. Some months after you were gone, I tried to get to you. Because I'd love to meet your mum, and spent forever with you. But they won't let me go. But someday, we'll meet. Promise.

I wish had saved at least one picture of you, or a video. But I was too stupid. I thought deleting everything about you would help me move on. I do some impulsive stupid stuff some times, as you knew. I've used a lot of time searching thru websites trying to find a picture that maybe slipped away. I'm not giving up. One day I'll find it.

So I know you see everything I type, or I believe you do. So maybe I should explain some people for you? Because so much have happened since you decided to leave me...

I've moved school. It's been 2 years now. It's a private school, a little bit posh compared to my old school.
I've had some fake friends, and made some real ones. So I'll make you a list of people you don't know, you actually don't know most of them.

People you should know by now
R- He reminds me a lot of you. He's amazing, or more like perfect. Let's just say he could've been your long lost twin. He's in my class. I didn't talk with him most of the first year on this school, because I was scared of how much you two are a like. But then I started talking to him, and he's a great friend. I've told him about you. He asked me if I had a pic of you, but sadly I don't. I even asked your sister for a picture, but I guess she's still having a hard time.

J-  She's been thru a lot. She's a very strong girl, and one of the best friends on earth. She knows about you too. I've been friends with her since I moved to this school, but we've got closer the past 2 months. Because she finally knows everything about me. 

M- She is a very very recent new friend. We never really talked, but one day where we were walking home together we just started talking about random stuff. Then she said that she'd noticed stuff, then I played all innocent and said I don't do drugs. But then she told me everything she had noticed  ( ED & SH) and I got so surprised. I couldn't deny anything, because it was all so true, and she described how she noticed so accurate. I never knew people notice, even tho they don't know you. But since then we've been friends, and we both like some of the same music.

K- You actually know a tiny bit about her. I've been spending lots of time with her. She's a great friend, but I don't tell her much. Because I don't think she knows how to react. She's a very intelligent, creative and talented girl. You had probably met her that summer, if you were here. 

S- I'm completely sure, that you know about her. There is no way that I haven't told you about her. She's like my sister. The cutest person ever. I've known her forever, but we've grown closer now. Do you remember our plans about you and  I moving to London? Well, since you can't do that. I've made some new plans. S and I are moving to Aarhus when we finish college. We'll live together in a flat, while we study Uni.

KM- I haven't really known her for that long. She's from Ireland. Once again, distance is being the problem. But she's an amazing girl. Never thought that I'd start talking with someone from another country like I did with you. We chat daily, just like you and I did. I know, cute. 


So I think those are the people...but if I've missed out any, just get someone to comment. okay?

Read More

Prom, Party and Perfection?

So basically yesterday was the most perfect day. I hope it's alright that I forgot to blog.
So we started musical rehearsals at 8am and finished around 11am. Since we finished before time, and all was perfect the teachers decided to give us a huuuge break. It was quite nice. "The populars" found their cliques and went to town. Or some where idk. J and M started straightening my hair. It took a lot of time, but nobody criticized my hair for being big or anything. A lot of people said that it looked amazing. But I don't really believe anyone, bc I'm stupid like that. After that we went to the nearest store to buy something to drink. Because how else were we supposed to survive the day? We ended up buyng some cans of energy drinks. I don't even really remember where M went. Suddenly she was gone hah. But yeah, so it was just me and J after that. Maybe I shouldn't have finished the 2 liters of Orange Juice and the half can of BURN. Because that resulted in a very very hyper A. R and some of his friends were playing drums and stuff. So I just went back stage with J and jammed. It was really fun. I just ran around backstage dancing  the whole break.

When the break finished we had to get our costumes on. I just love my role in the play. I play this really gangster poc boy. It's a boost to my self-esteem for sure :P Then I just walked around saying this to random girls in the musical crew "Wassup,babe? You and me, a drink tonight?" Some people were surprised that I was so loud and carefree, because I'm usually very insecure and silent. I wish I could be the way I was yesterday forever. Anyways then I saw R, and put on my Joey accent, and said "How you doing? I'm telling you, I'd go gay for you. You look smoking hot tonight". Omg, you should have seen his face .I think he forgot it was actually just me under the costume for a bit. But then he laughed and said "I'm sorry. I'm as hetero as hetero can be. But if you got a sister let me know"and blinked. It was soooo funny playing the role, because I could just walk around all day saying that I'm practising my role, and just be this flirty boy with a top class self-esteem and no-one would judge me. It was amazing-

So we had to wait backstage and relax for 1 and a half hour. It was nerve-wrecking at first, because I was alone but then I found my homies. We just sat there talking about random stuff. Drinking that much juice wasn't the best idea, because I had to pee 3-4 times while the play was on. But it went really really good. Better than I expected. And R was so cute. When we were off stage he ran up to and highfived me. I didn't expect it at all,so I got so surprised and happy omg ahhh <3 Here I am getting totally happy about a highfive.

After we cleaned up backstage we had to hurry up to dressing-rooms, because we had to change to our dresses. I don't look at people that way, but omg those girls *-* so many beautiful girls with amazing curls and perfect smiles! My self-esteem hit the lowest point, where it couldn't get worse. I didn't even wanna change my hoodie to my dress. Because I probably looked crap with my fat body. But J wouldn't let me wear the hoodie, because we were supposed to look elegant. Even R who always wears hoodies was wearing a shirt. So I kinda had to. I put it on and waited in the toilet for a bit, because I didn't feel very good about wearing it. But when I went out all the girls were waiting for me. Sometimes I think most of the girls know about my very bad self-esteem, because they're always so nice. But then again they could be telling the truth... They told me I looked amazing and stuff, but you know? I'm bad at accepting compliments.So I just went away from the girls-crowd. Then I accidentally walked into the boys-dressing room. I hate myself so much. I'm so awkward. I just said sorry quickly closed the door. It was so embarrassing, they probably didn't see who it was, but it was really embarrassing. I finally found J, and we decided to walk around together. Then we met R he was like woah. To be more exact. His words "Woah, what a transformation.....You look stunning!"
You know I say I don't trust people when they compliment me, but that made my day. That was what I needed to hear. So my self-esteem was top class after that.

It was fun dancing Lancier, because it's a really posh dance. R and I were the best at it, no just kidding. We failed a bit but who cares. This thing happened which could have been awkward but it wasn't. The musical week  have changed how I am a bit, in a good way. Well, R had forgotten his belt so he had to pull up his pants all the time. And my dress was crawling up all the time so I had to pull down. But we timed our "pulling ups and downs" pretty good. Compared to the rehearsals the real thing was pretty bad. But only we knew.

After the dancing bit I walked around with J and K. But I had to find R so I left them. Because I promised KM a pic with him. So I just asked him and he was like "Yeah, sure. Ay, M can you take a pic?" I thought it was going to be one of those awkward pics, where there are  so much distance between us, but no. he just put his arm on my shoulder as if it was what he used to. When the pic was taken, I didn't even check if it was alright. I just had to get away, but the pic is pretty good if you ask KM haha.

Then I found K sitting with her parents. She said she had an headache, but I'm pretty sure something else was wrong too. But she didn't wanna go near the dance floor. So I kinda had to walk around with her, it was pretty boring. But I couldn't just let her sit with her parents. That's just a no go. But then I finally found someone who didn't wanna go near the dance floor either.Phew, they went together.

So I just went over to the dance floor a.k.a my home. I just started dancing with some girls from the musical crew, and there we go. new friends made. We danced for a bit, and for some reasons my eyes were searching for R all the time. Maybe it's time that I admit I might have a tiny crush on him. Well, M teases me about it for a bit. It didn't even annoy me. Then we went outside to take pictures. It was really fun. Then JS(new friend) and I went back to the dance floor, the music was really good. So I just started jamming. and then JS asked me to learn her to do the booty shake. I don't even understand how my brain works at times. Like we just stood the on the corner booty shaking or JS was trying. some people were like "omg the black are taking over. white peeps, can't dance. leave the dance floor" the fun thing I'm one of the few people with another ethnicity. But yeah, ,I went outside for a bit.

Then i went back in. Because music is my drug. The DJ is my dealer. Dancing is my way to smoke. Woaah, that sounded good. My mind was telling me that tonight was my night. So when we got to the dance floor, I started dancing with R's friend and later on with R. I'm so happy that I got to dance with him/them because it's their last prom on this school. But then my dad came and said that we had to go home. I was about to leave, when R came running after me, just ask me if I was leaving and to say bye. Cute,isn't he?

But yeah, today has been ok. Not much to say. But this is the longest post ever.

-A

Read More

Last rehearsals today. All musical rehearsals were perfect.  R. That kid is wierd. All of last year I used to be taller than him, but idk what happened. I found out that he's actually taller than me now. Say w h a t? Which means I'm really small.

Then we had dance rehearsal, it wasn't really good. But it was fun! Do you know how to have warm and dry hands? Because my hands are cold as ice. If you got any tips, please tell me! R was so nice tho. He got the warmest hands, I don't understand how he can be warm all the time. So when the dance rehearsals started I put on my hoodie with really long sleeves so they covered my hands, because I didn't wanna annoy anyone with my cold hands. R asked me why I was covering my hands with the long sleeves. I told him why, then he said that then he'll warm them up. The kid is too cute. Seriously...

After school I went shopping with K.New person ahah. Well, K is one of my best friends, even tho I don't tell her much about my life. The shopping was fun, I usually hate going shopping with girlies. But this was alright. So we both got dresses for prom ready. It's tomorrow.

I feel like I should be more excite but yeah...I'll maaybe post a pic from prom tomorrow.
Byeee
-A

Read More

So I started off today with lighting a candle for my Angel in the morning. I talked a little bit with him. I'm sure he's alright wherever he is, and he is even better there than on earth. That's the right place for him. No unfairness, he gets only the best. I think I should make talking to him a daily thing, because my day was quite good after that. I felt like he gave me the little strength I needed.

So I got a lots of compliments on my acting today. Apparently I do good. Many people were surprised that I didn't get nervous on stage, and that I actually performed good. Because I'm the silent shy one in class. I got called "homie" quite a lot today, because my role in the play is a boy. I guess I don't look to bad as a boy.I'm not really the one who likes attention, but I really liked it today.

After school I was supposed to hang out with some friends. But J had an doctor appointment. R had time, but I told him to hang out with his brother since they didn't have time last weekend. But instead of going straight home, I decided to go the long way. R was standing with his mates so I didn't wanna be clingey so I just started walking alone. Because I didn't wanna interrupt them. But R run up to me, and asked if we could walk together. It made me really happy, because that probably means I don't annoy him as much as I think I do. I love talking to him. He's so nice and easy to talk with. I probably told you this before but I feel like he's the only person I can be myself with. I feel like I pretend so much. But when I'm with him I feel free.

He said that he wished that we had stayed a lil bit (on his b-day), but he understood that it would've been awkward for M. Then we talked about random things like hair products, and he kept saying that he's never heard about the place where I live. He asked quite a lot about if it was safe, bc it's actually one of the scariest areas in town. Yeah, people may think it's scary, but if you've lived here since forever it's one of the safest places. Because you know a lot of people, and they don't really do anything to you unless you do something to them.

2 days for prom....eeeek!
-A

Read More

R was wearing the thing I gave him today. You don't know how extremely happy that made me. I seriously thought he'd throw it away or something. Because it isn't his style. But yeah, it made my day. I don't think I would've survived this day without that extremely happy moment.

I'm probably gonna talk about it a lot. But yeah, it was just the bright thing of today. You know? That thing was very special, and after I gave it to R I kinda regretted bc I thought he'd just throw it away. But he didn't and omg I'm repeating what I've said twice or something.

So you probably wonder why it was so special? It was because the summer 11' it was planned that My Angel would come to Denmark for the first time. So I started buying tons of small presents. Like small stuff that he might have loved. But sadly God or whoever wanted to see him before I he saw Denmark. So I had these bunch of small things and hoodies and stuff. I donated most of it to some charity organisation, but I kept some of the stuff that I felt reminded me the most of him.

But yeah, rest of the day was shit. I'm in a shitty musical with a shitty group. And they took away my solo which basically was the only thing I liked. Whoop whoop. Well, we'll keep living.

-A

Read More

oops...sorry?

I'm so sorry I haven't blogged the last few days. But the days have been AWESOME! So I'll try to make up for it...hmm...

Friday: Yeah, I don't really remember what happened. I think I finished all my homework. Cleaned my room. Cleaned the whole house. Made strawberries with chocolate. Correction: Dark chocolate. 

It was heaven, but don't try light chocolate or white. It's shit. Dark is the only thing that works.

And um yeah I finished to boxes of strawberries and 4 liters of juice. And nobody can tell me I can't! HA!

So yeah, it was a "I'm healthy and I'm being the good daughter"-day.

bye.

whoever you are. I hope i don't really know you real life. If I do, pretend that this isn't me. ok? 

-A

Read More

Valentines Day

So I woke up really late and forgot to eat breakfast. So the first thing i ate was Nachos and Cheese, ew? I know? No lovers. No friends. No homies. Just me and I. But of course my mum had to ruin my "I love myself"-day. She said my style was slutty. Seriously, if only she knew how other girls dress. I think I dress like a Saint compared to the girls I know. I don't even wear shorts, even tho it's like burning hot outside. That lady definitely doesn't get the real definition of "slutty". Anyways then I told her that then she could get me new clothes. I got pretty surprised but she told me to throw out everything I wouldn't wear, so I just did it. Stupid move? I know. But she didn't say anything.

After a bit, she was alright again. I told her that I was going out. I just wanted to go for a walk, and maybe get a ice cream. You kow? Just think about things.Then she asked with who. I don't know if she thinks if I have a secret boyfriend or something, if she does that's just too crazy. Like why would a boy choose me? But anyways she wouldn't let me go alone, so she went with me. It was pretty awkward but then she loosed up a bit. We started talking and I ended up talking about my image. Because most of the brown kids think I'm the "Miss never-does-anything-wrong", and they won't even give me a chance. They judge me without knowing me. Most of the kids are like "A? The kid all the brown parents want us to be like? The kid who can't have fun? The nerd?", when I try to talk with them at the all-brown parties, they just leave me. I don't care about them, I don't even wanna be friends with them. I just don't want people to judge me, without even making an effort to get to know me.

But yeah, I think I've been nicer than usual to myself. I allowed myself to eat/drink whatever, I want today. So I had Nachos with cheese, Pasta, 1 liter of Tropical juice and a special thing.

Now it's all about finishing my shit homework tomorrow. I really have to finish it all tomorrow. Then I can go party for the weekend. But I'll tell you more about it tomorrow?
-A

Read More

Hi Angel,
So today is the day? You're 17. Does it feel any different? I hope you're having a great time wherever you are. I know you love cake, so I baked one yesterday. But I gave it to R, because we don't wanna waste such a good cake? Right? He was really happy. I'm sure you'd have loved it too. But you can probably get a better cake hah. I'm gonna hang out with a friend later, and maybe plan what to do tomorrow. I bet you'd have been bombarded with cute messages from all cute girls tomorrow, if you were here. Sometimes I wonder why someone as perfect as you, decided to use time on me? Like I'm nothing special and we lived so far away from each other...You are special, kid. And thank you for making me feel special.

I really miss you. Like words can't describe how much. I remember the days where I would just wait for our chats. It used to be the only thing that could put a smile on my lips. But I know you're better up there.

-A

Read More

Finished some homework. And used the rest of the day watching videos of Lil Kaka, and on the phone with mah bestie. I love that girl so much haha. But yeah, not much to say. R is still happy about his cake. And plans set for tomorrow. Gonna hang out with Ju it's been a while. I'll probably be hyper, but I've warned her already.
-A

Read More

Finally given the cake to R. I think he was pretty surprised to see M and I at his door. He's mum is proper nice, she asked if we wanted to come in and have a cup of chocolate. I hate that sometimes I just make some decisions too fast. I just said that we had to catch a bus, so we had to leave. Then we waited like 30 min. or something for the bus. It was so fucking cold. But at least I wasn't alone. If someone had seen us, they'd definitely think I'm high or something. But I'm so happy. 

I feel so relieved. I think he liked the cake and the gift. So everything is fine. 

Read More

boredom?

Boring day. I haven't done anything special, but at least my tummy-pains and the terrible headache is kinda over now. I should probably start baking the cake soon. Today has been quite meaningless.

But you know? I was at my friend's house yesterday. I kept talking about how perfect my angel, R and R's brother are/was. I just couldn't stop. It was like I just had to get it all out. She was really surprised, she told me that she's never seen me talking so much about a person. And then she said nobody is perfect. Which I completely disagree with. I'm not saying that perfect is a thing or that it's certain way to be. I'll explain later. Gotta go. A cake is waiting to get baked ;)

Read More

Lovely surprises

So I forgot to blog yesterday oops.
But yeah, it was an amazing day! I got A in religion which made me really happy and my mum bought me a new top. It's really cool. Oh and R was really happy, because his dad came home from Dubai to surprise him. Seeing him happy makes me so happy. You know the thing about b-day cake thing? I had to check if they'll be home on monday. I'm glad that his mum didn't pic up the phone because talking on the phone is one of the most awkward things. But yeah, she called later but I missed it. I texted her instead, now it's fixed. Monday 3-4pm. No turning back now :P But yeah, it's gonna be amazing. He's probably gonna be surprised that it's me. His mum promised to keep our secret.

Today I'm going to surprise my friend. As you probably realized I love surprising people, seeing people getting happy makes me so happy. I love smiles. So my friend was having a bad time the past weeks, and I couldn't really do anything because she lives 2-3 hours away with the bus. I'm going to her house in a bit, then we'll spend  rest of the week at mine. Which means I don't have to go alone to R's.

The thing is if it doesn't get awkward and I can find the way, I really want to go alone. Then I'll get to spend time with him. But if it gets really awkward, and I can't find the way and stuff. It'd be comforting to know that I can just give the stuff and say "Yeah, I have to leave. They're waiting".

-A

Read More

Explanation

So I told this helping-acc about how I feel, and she gave me this answer which I agree a lot with. This is what I had on my mind, but couldn't put down in words
"This is completely natural. You miss your best friend, you're not over his death yet. And when you see this guy it just reminds you of your best friend. And when you get jealous it's most likely because even though it isn't your best friend, because he reminds you of him, it's as if your watching your best friend get close to other people, as if he's replacing you. And as for the girl he likes, you would want your best friend to be happy wouldn't you? And that girl would make this guy happy. So I don't think you have a crush on him, I think it's just the reminders. First of all, have you had any real closure with your best friends death? Because that is really important for getting over his death. And if you're ready, I would tell this guy about your best friend, and maybe even about him stopping you from committing. He sounds like a great guy. And no I don't think it would be weird making him a cake, he's your friend right? It just shows you thought about him and you care about him."

Read More

I'll keep trying

Musicaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal,bitches ;) I love being in the musical, because I got this really urban boy role, and that's how I used to be couple of years ago. I used to be one of the guys :P I said in my last post that I'll start cutting R out of my life, but I just found out we have even more in common. This is not gonna make it easy. Maybe I'll bake him the cake for his b-day too, because you know? You don't? Well, how am I supposed to know then. But yeah, I've been really positive today. I actually said "Good morning" to everyone I saw at school. Am I actually being nice or annoying? Whatever, I tried. Oh, and I found out that I've been using an invalid bus ticket the past few days. ooooooh I'm such a crime-rider

-A

Read More

Doesn't even last a day

I had this talk with J & my teacher. They want me to get proffesional help. I really do't want to. I hate everything more than everything. 

I don't even understand why I care and love R so much. Who is he to me? why should I care? Why can't I just stop caring? Why does his happiness mean so much to me? He's not even my angel. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I having so many thoughts that can't be explained? You know? I'm not giving him any  gifts for his b-day. No cake.No sweets. No drawing. Not even gonna wish him.

Because If I get close to him now, I'll have really hard time when he moves away. I can't handle that. I'm gonna start cutting him out of my life. 

But what do I do? I'm not gonna talk with J about my problems ever again. I don't wanna make other people feel bad, becasue of my own problems. But I can't just suddenly turn to that all happy person again. I hate how I am now. I miss the one I used to be. The one who jokes all the time, and laughs about nothing. The one who had friends, and enjoyed life. The one without any scars.

The one who didn't get nervous about completely. The one that didn't even notice R in class. Maybe even the one who crushed on him.

I'm gonna move on. New life.Same ME.No friends.

Read More

So this is what happiness is like?

Dear Angel,
I had this really bad time yesterday, where I really wanted to commit. But I'm happy that I didn't. I only cut a little bit too deep, but oh well. Shit happens.

So in school we're starting on this project thing. And R chose to be in group with J & me. Isn't this fabulous? So we're starting on the project in week 10, it's about The Good Life. That week is gonna be amazing. You know? Just the 3 of us :) and we're allowed to wherever we want to. So we don't have to go school. Unless we want to. Sometimes I ask myself which feeling I actually have for R? because sometimes I think I have a crush on him. But I really don't. It's just a feeling that can't really be described. I love him more than I would ever admit. But I'd not want him as my boyfriend. Like a best friend,maybe. It's probably the fact that my angel and R is so alike that confuses me sometimes.

I missed both PE lessons today, because I had this huge breakdown-ish attacky thingy. Not cool, I know. But it was nice to talk with J, it's funny how much she know about me now. Oh, and this annoying hoe was talking to me, and I was really not feeling well. So I just yelled "Do you want my fist in your face?!", then she left. It was really rude of me, but oops. After that my teacher came and asked what's wrong, and had this loooooooooooong talk with me about that they just want to help me, and they can only do it if I let them. Then after PE I was waiting for the bus with some girls. They were talking gossip, and they they asked me who my project partners were. I said R&J, then this girl said "Aw, cute! It was probably R or J who asked. They definately got a thing" That pissed me off so much.
So I just walked away,because of that I missed my bus too. But I saw R some metres away, so I decided to call him and tell him to wait, because I can't really run because of my bad knee. I actually don't know where I got this sudden confidence from. I wouldn't normally have the courage to go just talk with him. So we walked home together. It was really nice talking to him, and for once I felt like being myself with a person.
I usually feel like I'm being a another person around some people, and I get this feeling that what if I forgot who I'm being. But with him I could just be myself. It was fantastic!

You all probably think I got a crush on him.But I really don't, I just love him.

-A

Read More

R

Dear Person, who got time to read this.
Thank you for using your time reading this!
You know what? I'm sick of pretending everything is ok. I'm sick of hiding scars. I'm sick of having to go for a "walk" and having to leave class because of my attacks. I'm sick of everything. I don't think people will ever understand how I feel.When I finally thought I've found something I like about myself, I get criticized. The only thing I like at least a lil bit is my hair. I like the way it is big, curly and can't be tamed. But my mum hates it. She wants it to be straight. But I'm not allowed to straighten it. I really don't understand what she wants me to do. I guess, I just sounded like a really girly girl, but my problem isn't really my hair, it just describes the situation perfectly. Yeah, anyways I decided to leave my hair natural today.No products. And the first comment I got was "Shouldn't you tame that?!" But why do people care about it? The only one who got the rights to comment my hair is my dance partner. Only because maybe it'll annoy him when we practice. I got really annoyed, but the being the good person I am. I just said that i just forgot to do it. I really need to learn to stand up for myself. Whenever someone makes a joke about me, I just agree with them. Whenever someone hates me, I just agree with them. Because I never loved myself. I've never known any reasons to love myself.

We're still rehearsing for prom. R is perfect. Like words can't describe how amazing he is. I don't have a crush on him, but something. He is something special. I was really near having one these attacks, but his touch kinda calmed me down. I'm making this sound magical or something, but it really isn't I just.....
He's such a sweet and caring person. I feel so bad for him that he knows me. And that he has to cope with me.I really owe him a lot.

I really don't understand why I am the way I am. I hate the way my mood changes to suddenly thru the day. But I'm more comfortable now that J&R know about these moodswings, because they usually affect R a lot. Because I really love him, but there are days where I just wanna kill him. And yeah, so if he didn't know he'll probably be proper confused. Because one day I talk to him like a friend and the another day I'll make a rude joke. I seriously can't control my mood or mind. Like today this was actually funny according to the others but I thought I was being too mean. J was asking why he was the only boy who didn't get annoyed when she stuck the string on his hoodie in his mouth. He said it was just an old habit. Then I said "Yeah, cause you are used to sucking,aren't you?" I really didn't mean to say it loud, but it kinda just came out of nowhere. Then everyone started laughing, but I didn't even feel great because that was mean.

I gotta go now. I finally found out what I'm giving him for his b-day. I'll bake him a cake, get some sweets and draw him a collage with like 4 pictures. Baby R, young R, R now and maybe the future R?

-A

Read More

Infinite

Dear person,
I've had a good weekend. Only few attacks, which didn't get any serious. I've watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower about 3-4 times now. I'm really in love with the movie. I can relate so much to it. I wish I had friends like Sam & Patrick. But I kinda do too, J&R. Beside none of them are gay. Which is perfectly fine.

I had this Tamil exam last week. But I didn't finish the last essay part fully,because I just couldn't concentrate at all. I know I could have done so much better, but it's all right. All the teachers were talking about my essay today. And on how they've never seen a young student write such a good Tamil essay. That made me really happy. Because imagine if I actually did concentrate then it would have been perfect.

I've been to Dance training today, which went really good. I love dancing. Dancing is like the only time I feel really confident. Like when I get really nervous when i have to talk or sing in front of people, but i don't get nervous at all when it's about dancing. Dance is what makes me feel infinite.

Oh, and I still don't know what to get for R. I'll stick to the cake and sweets idea for now. But I really owe him a lot. Whatever I get him it'll never be good enough for me.

-A

Read More

Presents

I woke up in a shit mood, and I couldn't even explain why. I feel so bad for my parents. They used to think everything was alright, and they thought I was gonna be this perfect kid. I'm such a big disappointment.

But my parents are really doing everything they can to make me feel better. I really should stop making them feel bad but I can't just pretend it's okay every time they look. You know? Pretending to be okay is hard work. My dad took me out shopping and lunch at my fave restaurant. I had to get b-day presents for R & J. I bought a bracelet and some kinda multi bracelet-necklace thingy. Like you can use it as both. But I really don't know what to get R. I could get him a CD, but I don't think people really listen to CDs anymore. I can't get him clothes, because he's a tiny person. So I thought about just making him a cake and get a huge pack of sweets. It really isn't enough, but I don't know what else to do.

I've just finished watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, it's perfect. I think I'm in love with Charlie. No, but I feel like I can really relate to the movie. How it feels like everything is just happening, and you just stand there. Oh, and I've just finished making a play-list with my fav non-pop songs... It's perfect! I swear, I think the only thing I like about myself is my taste in music!

Read More

Music

So today started out shit. The first bus din't stop for me then the other one was late, so I missed the damn bus for school. And my hairband broke. So my hair was proper messy, an I had to run for school. I was getting late but I found my super power and got there in time :P

Today has been alright.  No attacks at all. But no R either. :(( Poor little thing is ill! But I survived. Oh and I found out that M & I like some of the same bands. Isn't that amazing? 

Finally found that song you used to sing, bringing back memories. 

Read More