R

Dear Person, who got time to read this.
Thank you for using your time reading this!
You know what? I'm sick of pretending everything is ok. I'm sick of hiding scars. I'm sick of having to go for a "walk" and having to leave class because of my attacks. I'm sick of everything. I don't think people will ever understand how I feel.When I finally thought I've found something I like about myself, I get criticized. The only thing I like at least a lil bit is my hair. I like the way it is big, curly and can't be tamed. But my mum hates it. She wants it to be straight. But I'm not allowed to straighten it. I really don't understand what she wants me to do. I guess, I just sounded like a really girly girl, but my problem isn't really my hair, it just describes the situation perfectly. Yeah, anyways I decided to leave my hair natural today.No products. And the first comment I got was "Shouldn't you tame that?!" But why do people care about it? The only one who got the rights to comment my hair is my dance partner. Only because maybe it'll annoy him when we practice. I got really annoyed, but the being the good person I am. I just said that i just forgot to do it. I really need to learn to stand up for myself. Whenever someone makes a joke about me, I just agree with them. Whenever someone hates me, I just agree with them. Because I never loved myself. I've never known any reasons to love myself.

We're still rehearsing for prom. R is perfect. Like words can't describe how amazing he is. I don't have a crush on him, but something. He is something special. I was really near having one these attacks, but his touch kinda calmed me down. I'm making this sound magical or something, but it really isn't I just.....
He's such a sweet and caring person. I feel so bad for him that he knows me. And that he has to cope with me.I really owe him a lot.

I really don't understand why I am the way I am. I hate the way my mood changes to suddenly thru the day. But I'm more comfortable now that J&R know about these moodswings, because they usually affect R a lot. Because I really love him, but there are days where I just wanna kill him. And yeah, so if he didn't know he'll probably be proper confused. Because one day I talk to him like a friend and the another day I'll make a rude joke. I seriously can't control my mood or mind. Like today this was actually funny according to the others but I thought I was being too mean. J was asking why he was the only boy who didn't get annoyed when she stuck the string on his hoodie in his mouth. He said it was just an old habit. Then I said "Yeah, cause you are used to sucking,aren't you?" I really didn't mean to say it loud, but it kinda just came out of nowhere. Then everyone started laughing, but I didn't even feel great because that was mean.

I gotta go now. I finally found out what I'm giving him for his b-day. I'll bake him a cake, get some sweets and draw him a collage with like 4 pictures. Baby R, young R, R now and maybe the future R?

-A