Dear,
I did perfect in my dance theory trial exam, and my day was mostly fine. But then I accidentally broke a lamp at home while randomly practicing ballet. And my dad shouted at me. And I got scared. And all of a sudden my mind completely clicked off. Before I knew it my body was covered in cuts. Felt supersuicudal just 2-3 hours ago. But I'm fine now. But it just scares me how fast my mind changes.

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Dear,
No matter what, we'll always be hypocrites in some way. I'm such a hypocrite when it comes to love and relationships. I do crave the closure, the comfort and trust, you  find in a relationship. But I don't think I could stay committed, not at this age. I'm too young for a relationship, too young to give up that there will be lots of opportunities. Lots of people have asked me if it's because of my culture that I'm not into relationships, and no, it actually isn't. I just don't feel it's right to get into something, without knowing if it's the right one. Because I'd never have the strength to handle a heartbreak, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I broke someone's heart. I actually forgot what I'm trying to say with all of this...

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Dear,
I regret what I did. Because it goes against my words. But it really isn't that bad. I know what happened, I still remember and I did nothing I wouldn't do normally. I just love parties. I guess, it was my escape. I'm not really the one who is in love with reality, I'm always seeking for an escape and I guess that was mine. If my parents had acted differently before the party, if they had not been so negative maybe I wouldn't have done. But because they made me feel like shit, and made me feel guilty for something I haven't done, I just felt like doing something that would piss them off. Then their behavior would turn acceptable.

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Dear,
It's been three years now. I don't know what to say, but I'm going to a youth project in my city so I won't be alone at that time. So I just wanted to tell you, I'm okay. Even tho I considered coming to you yesterday, I can't do it against the few people who talk with me.

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Dear,
It hurts so much when you use all the power to exclude the unwanted negative energy, and only captivate the positive. Because this world  hasn't learnt that lesson yet. It's like constantly drowning. You lungs fight hard to use last traces of oxygen left in you, you have to learn to survive from what you have. But it's really hard when carbon dioxide pressures your mind to inhale, and just let go of your grip on life. In that second all you have is an unmade decision. You can go for the dark solution. Give in to the pressuring carbon oxide, that you in fact brought to this atmosphere yourself. Take back what you gave and leave. But when there is a dark side, there will also be light. Because what is dark without light. If both didn't exist how would you tell them apart from each other. If you wanted to see that light again, give out tiny bites of your inhaled oxygen and raise up above the water. The water that tried to keep you down, will eventually be the one to hold raised.

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It's hard to breathe. I've inhaled reality, but my body is not ready take it. I'm unwilling to inhale a reality I don't want and exhale without even trying to mutate anything.

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Dear Alex, 

I feel like telling you about a few of the songs, that makes me feel like you're always with me. First of all I'm gonna start with Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. The title says it quite clear, I think. But I means also when you were on earth, it felt like you were protecting me all the time.

 "When I see your smile

Tears run down my face

I can't replace"

Whenever I look at the only picture I have left of you, tears do appear. I'm not sure whether it's because you're so beautiful or if it's because you're not in my presence anymore.

And now that I'm stronger I've figured out

How this world turns cold

And breaks through my soul

And I know, I'll find deep inside me

I can be the one

From the day you left earth, things started to go downhill. It seemed like nothing was worth it. Several times I've considered running away or even better come to you. But deep inside I've always found the strength to stay. 

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

This was our promise to each other. Maybe not the exact words. But this was definitely what we both needed and promised. I don't know if I held my promise right, but you for sure have. I have been lonely at nights, but deep down I've always known I could write to you. I really wish I could be there for you, the same way you're here for me. But sadly if that was to happen, it'd be quite tragic. 

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay

You saved me for so long, and I thought I had saved you. Because that's what words said, but sadly not what reality wanted. You're still saving me, but now from heaven. It took me long to accept. First it was anger. My anger was reasonable. I had just got used to things being fine. I never thought you leaving me was an opportunity. It never hit me that heartbreak and illnesses aren't the only way to lose someone you love, until that night. Then it was misery, guilt, jealousy and so one feeling continued until I felt nothing one day. No feelings at all. That's when I finally started to accept that you were gone.

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing

And stars are falling all for us

Days grow longer and nights grow shorter

I can show you, I'll be the one

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

Time has never stood still. It never will for anybody. The whole world is not gonna stop just to pity you because of your loss. No one is gonna bring you lost loved ones back to life just because you're hurt. So your only choice is to accept and move on with your own life.

'Cause you're my, you're my, my-y-y-y

My true love, my whole heart

Please don't throw that away

'Cause I'm here for you

Please don't walk away

And please tell me, you'll stay, stay

I'm so glad to know you're always there for me. I actually feel sorry for people who didn't know you. It's such a shame. You could've brought something completely special to their existence. But on the other side I wouldn't have been able to share you with anyone. One thing about me, that most people deny when they talk about their own qualities, is that I'm extremely possessive. You were mine and mine only. Which could've been what put me and your sister in bad situations quite often. Because you were the only one she found happiness in, but you were also the one I found happiness in. 

Use me as you will

Pull my strings just for a thrill

And I know, I'll be okay

Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall

I'll stand up with you forever

I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

 

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Dear
They call it Valentine's day. Apparently it's day of love. As I sit alone in my bed I wonder, how much of what's celebrated today is actually real? Some might call me jealous but I'll gladly assure them that this what I'm fine with. The only thing that might upset today, will be if any shop has run out of cute heart candy. There are so many couples out there who wouldn't need to give a second thought to clarify that they won't last until forever. In what state of mind, is that love real if the lovers don't even believe in it?

The way I'm raised has surprisingly nothing to do with my perception of love. I'm not smitten by the tamil film industy's ideology about love, the rebellious kind of love. These movies focus so much on how love will bring you in problems with your family, but if you run away with your lover and come back after a few years you'll live happily ever after.  In fact I'm sick of it. Selling young people dreams that makes them delusional.  But after all, we also should be able tell the real world apart from the written. I'm not influenced by my culture and family's view on love either. In their eyes it's dangerous. Not right unless you're in the situation where they can't set you up with someone.

My view is my own. It might change, but so what. We all do, so why is it such a big deal when our perception of certain things does.

In my mind love is simply just a connection. Sometimes you might have a one way connection which is quite a tragedy. But other times its mutual. When mutual feeling happens I believe it'll stay forever. Only if it does, it's considered real in my mind. Call me old-school, but I do believe in the one and only. But however if one stops breathing , it is possible to find another. 

Love just craves so many sacrifices, I don't see a reason to glorify it. It's so brutal.  Like it can tore your heart apart but also mend it. Unpredictable.

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Dear,
I kinda got diagnosed with Thyroid today. Well, he wanted me to come back in 3 months so they could check the level in my blood. If that's the case, it clears a lot. It explains all what I've been going through. Endless tiredness, drop of energy-level, lack of motivation, bad mood.

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Dear Alex,
It's 3 years since we celebrated your birthday together for the first and last time. A lot of things may have changed in these 3 years, but one thing hasn't. There has never been a day without you on my mind. Friendships come and go, but I'm still not sure which ones to hold on to. If you were still here, would things have changed? I hope not. 18 years but only 15 on earth. And only 7-8 years witnessed by my mind. And all put together months witnessed by these eyes. Not adequate at all. But worth a lifetime waiting for.
If I keep writing to you, you'll never stop existing right?
If that's the case, these hands will never lose their grip around the letters...

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Franko

I have these thoughts but I'm too lazy and tired to write it down so let's hope I'm alright in the morning

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