Dear Alex,
The last days were nothing like I expected. I thought they'd be the saddest of this month, but they've been fine. R said see ya in the weekends after summer, so he won't forget about me just like that. E once again promised that he'll never stop talking with me. M hasn't been the one I've talked the most about here, but he is like a brother. Like you don't talk about problems with him, but just have fun. A lot of banter.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning to Dubai and then Sri Lanka. It's all gonna be great. I won't have WiFi anywhere so this is my last letter for the next month. I'm gonna miss you a lot, maybe I'll take a diary with me. Let's see!

Byyyyyyyye!

Love you!

A loooooooot!

Read More

Dear 

All exams are done. Got a 12 and two 10's. I'm actually okay, with that. Three 12 would have been better, but I did what I could. Just got home from the skatepark. Met a guy I used to be in class with 2 years ago. 

Now that I have nothing to get done, the emptiness is filling more and more. I wish I could be in some kinda rush all the time. A boarding school would be great, surrounded by young people all the time. I actually just need someone to talk to all the time. 

Being an only child, I should've gotten used to it by now. But alone is never something for me. I'm currently ignoring all texts, because every single thing annoys me. Why can't all this just end?

Read More

Dear
The empty feeling is slowly killing me. I wish it'd just physically kill me, instead of causing all this mental pain. The funny thing, that isn't even funny, is that it's not here because of something bad happening. I should be happy. Good grade,, Holiday. Summer.

I can't even say it's because I'm feeling alone. I have a few amazing people around me, even tho the fact that some I cared about don't give a fuck about me. S,K, MC and E are the only ones I thikn won't leave me now.

You're probably wondering about J and M now. Well,J? She cares about me, but she also hurts me. I'm sure she will leave me, as soon as we finish 9th grade. Maybe we won't even be friends at the end of 9th. She's way too perfect. I feel like I'm the one who's stopping her from being one of the popular ones. M? I just can't talk to her about problems, she just makes me feel thousand times worse. Because she thinks the logical way, and talks about her experience with bullying. She just doesn't get the emotional part is different from human to human. I can hang out with her and have fun, just not have a real talk.And I'm still afraid that E forgetting me. He's promised a lot of times that he won't, and that it'd be a very unforgivable thing to do. But deep inside I just don't wanna trust too much.

Because that's exactly what I did with R, now see what happened. I still can't believe R changed just like that. But worst of all I still care about him. I'd still do anything to make sure he's alright. I'd still defend him. Because if it wasn't for this lil idiot, I wouldn't even be here.He's probably not even an idiot. Since when did my opinion on him change. This is probably just me trying to convince myself that he doesn't matter.

The worst is that this sounds like someone getting over a love. But I never liked him the romantic way. I just want you. So I thought the second best would do.But now here I am, completely lost in my own mind.This was exacty why I didn't talk to him the first year. I should've stayed that way.

Read More

Aleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex! Had the best pre-birthday party ever! It was so fun, that I can't even describe.

Read More

Today was the last day of 8th grade. The day as a school day was amazing. We played games and so many people brought cake and stuff. J and I talked about how empty it was going to be. She only feels like 10% of what I feel tho. She's still going to see them in the weekends. They're the skaters.
Funny how I was the one who actually wanted to skate. But I ended up being banned from it by my parents.

Anyway after school I had to give R the jar with reasons to be happy. I waited until we were the only ones left. I was trying to talk, but suddenly it was like my mind went blank.I just stood there like an idiot, trying to talk and I actually think I said "omg, I don't know how to talk". And he was like "Oh come on, just say it." The fact that he sounded so irritated made me feel even worse. So I just found the jar in my bag, and said the most important thing. All I said was "Thank you". He was like "What? For what?". I didn't know what to say, so I said something along "For getting me through the past 2 years". He was just like "oh". My mind went crazy that moment. Because my voice was trembling and my eyes got teary. Even when I said thank you, I couldn't really look him in the eyes. So I hurried to leave.

Just as I turned away from him my eyes went crazy like a waterfall. It was quite embarrassing walking down the school road crying. But I couldn't. It was not like I was sobbing. The tears just streamed down my face, as it hit me that I'll probably never be his friend again.

As my eyes didn't have more water to pour out, I saw some girls from my class walking few meters away, so I walked with them home. I got home did some homework, and then decided to dance. I danced for like 4 hours, and then just sat there like a zombie. But after that my mind was better.

I don't care if I'll stay in touch with R or not. I've done what I should to thank him, and made it clear for him, that no matter how many years from now it is, he can always come to me. He owes me nothing. So it's easy. If he wants to he will, if he doesn't then alright.

Because you can only have friendship if it's 2-sided. Like E said he'll stay in touch, which I didn't expect from him. So as long as he wants to I'll keep in touch. But this maybe kinda shows that sometimes you can focus on one person too much, that you forget the other people around.

Read More

Oops, just noticed that I've used M as a name for two different people, so I'll just clear it out. The first M is a girl. And the other one is a boy.

Read More

I feel like shit, and I've been feeling this way the past week. E was nice, and is still trying to help me. But I'm again in the situation where you are the only one who can put me in a better mood. Yet somehow my mind goes all positive when I'm in school with a few attacks of anxiety. But as soon as I'm out, my mind goes on torture-mode. I have this feeling,where I really need someone to talk with. But that someone has to be YOU. Nobody else makes me feel free.

Well, R does as well. But it's hard to talk with him. Because his face automatically brings happiness. So instead of actually talking about the things that worry me, I'll automatically be put in a good mood. Which is actually a good thing. But as soon as he's not around the thoughts come back.

Tomorrow is the last day of being in same class as R,E and M. Gonna miss those guys a lot. It's sad, how I always get close to people just before they leave. R is my life. E is the nicest guy on earth. And yeah, I'm not very close to M, but he's fun. It's gonna be so empty in class next year.

Read More

I missed you. The weekend was packed with parties, so it was fun. It was really nice to meet up with people you haven't seen for a while. E promised to never forget me. He fucking promised it. I'm glad that at least someone won't forget me. Yesterday I was seriously getting to a bad stage. I was thinking about suicide, but realized I would never be able to do it. So instead of doing any harm, I trained dancing or 5 hours straight. No break or water. It hurt a lot, because my ankle is injured from a dance class. But it didn't matter. Dance is my way to express myself. I know I use drawing and writing a lot. But I don't feel like it shows my pain, but dance does. And that's what I need.

Read More

So today is gonna be pretty great. There is this party today, and a lot of people I know will be there. R,M,J,E and I are going to hang out before the party too. They're going to skate and asked me to hang out too, so I'm going. I still wish I could skate. I feel like an outsider, not being able to skate. They've got some new stuff, and I'd wish I could join them. Just one smoke. But something inside me is telling me no. I still do it, but just not with them.

Read More

You're probably one of the poor people who'll understand me, when i say this. I hate my body. It's not because I wanna be thinner,thicker,curvier, smaller or taller. Because I know none of this will make me more beautiful. And I've just recovered from my ED, even tho I still relapse, but it doesn't happen often at all. Even tho I've stopped starving and purging, the hate I have for my body hasn't stopped at all. Yesterday and this morning, I actually felt quite good about my legs. My legs are usually the part I hate the most. But my calf muscles are getting more toned now, so I actually like my legs for once. But on the other side, I've forgot to do my sit-ups the past two weeks because of all exam stress so now my stomach is fat again. It's annoying me, so I'll change it. But it's annoying having such a big hate towards yourself. 

Today my dad bought me two sweaters for doing better in school for some reason. They're nice and cute but by just looking at them, I could say they didn't fit me. Even tho they were both M. But they wanted me to try them on, and I couldn't say no because my dad is easily hurt. I got into my room and took off my clothes. The mirror didn't used to be a problem for me. But when I looked in I could only see this too fat, ugly and weird-looking girl. I tried hard to get it out of my head, because I'm the one who usually wants people to see the beauty in everyone. But this time I couldn't. So I went away from the mirror put the first sweater on and went out to show them. I was trying hard to keep tears away. I then changed to the other one, and showed. Still trying not to cry.

Then I walked in my room and took it all off, and put on my usual stuff. Then I went to the bathroom,because that's the only place I can cry. I don't understand why this is happening again. This is not how I see myself. My mind is playing games with me. This is some kinda nightmare I can't get out of.

I don't understand why this is happening right before a party.

Read More

My urge to cut is really big right now. I need to punish myself, because what I did was wrong. But I can't find my blades. I'm not okay. This is not fair. I've been clean for too long now... It's okay to give up now. But I can't fucking find my blades...I can't do it with something else.

I'm not even in the mood to talk with someone about it. Because I'm ridiculous. I'm crazy. What is this

Read More

Paris Jackson failed a suicide attempt today. I feel guilty, because I remember seeing her tweets yesterday, they were really sad. I feel like I should've done something. I could've made a change. Why didn't I do anything?

Read More

I ran 5K today. I'm so proud of my fat body, for not giving up. Maybe being thin isn't really my goal? Well, actually it never was. Because back in time, when I was hospitalized I was actually really thin. But it didn't make me feel more beautiful. I don't look good no matter what. I'll never really happy, until the day that I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.

From what I know about me, it's like nothing is good enough for me. I just don't understand why I am this way. I always feel too fat or too skinny, I don't even know how that's possible.

Read More

Just as I convinced myself that even tho, I don't wanna stay alive I should do it at least for my education. Because that's the only good part bout my life. It all falls apart. Every single thing that have been my reason to live for, has been ripped into tiny pieces by my dear parents. Do I hate? No,but do I hate that they brought me to this world? Hell yes. The thing I've never wanted life. I'm not living, i'm just trying to survive.

Now that everything is gone, what is my attitude supposed to be? If I still was the old me, the answer would be easy. Suicide. But I'm not like that anymore or at least no right now.So what should I do? I've lost interest in everything. I'm just gonna do whatever they say, turn my own mind off.

Isn't this what a zombie is like? A body with no soul, but still walking around. Wonder how many there are of us?

Read More

It suddenly strikes my mind, how everything is actually going down hill now. But I'm just being happy about the small things. Or am I? Isn't this just me, trying to distract myself. but how long will I be able to do this? Is this even fair against myself? Haven't I just made it all a mess,pretending to be happy. Or was I actually happy?
I don't trust anyone or anything anymore, or do I? How come I tell someone about my secrets if I don't trust? but why don't I tell them everything if I do trust them?

When people tell you that you can text them anytime you need them, do they actually mean it? or are they just trying to be nice? Do they actually care? Or are they just looking for something to relate to? Just in case, they actually meant it. How do you start talking to them? Like what do you say? Can I just text them "I'm feeling bad, and I need you"?  How can I get to the matter otherwise?

Even in real life, I don't know how to ask for help. When I used to have these panic/anxiety-attacks it was much easier to get help, because people would notice when you were shaking really bad. But what do I do when it's like this? I'm too good at pretending I'm okay, when I walk out of the house I automatically put on this smile. Because I know seeing me down triggers J, and I can't have her relapsing, she's doing so good now.

Read More