Dear Alex,

 How on earth is this fair? You know you always make things better for me. So can you please sort this shit out. Because this time life is really unfair. Like you see? What kind of game is whoever controls life playing with me? "Give her a friend,take him away, give, take, give, take?"

All my life this has been happening. So don't blame me for thinking that I don't deserve any type of friendship. I don't deserve it, but it's what keeps me alive. It's like keeping me alive,is useless. It's  a waste of time. The day people stop loving me, I'll finally have the strength to take my last breath. Love/Friendship is what makes me weak. 

Now back to the whoever-you-believe-in's(let's make it a male bc stereotyping) game. I'm gonna show you exactly what I mean.

From the top!

1.The twins:

So my mum was supposed to have twins before me. But no, they were too precious for earth. So they got in heaven without even seeing the world. Sometimes I wonder if I'm such a disappointment  maybe they could have done better than me. To be honest, I think they deserved to live more than I do. But on the other side, maybe living is an punishment. So that's why I'm sent here. But the thing is I often feel like, they got taken away from me because I don't deserve them. 

2.Cousins:

I grew up with my 2 cousins. They were like brothers to me. I had them by my side until I was 7-8, but then they moved away. But some months after my oldest cousin moved in our house. He lived with us for a year or a half, because his school was nearer us. He was becoming like a real big brother to me. He was the one who helped me with homework, told me about weird things and I always looked around in his stuff to find funny things. He would even bring me something every night he worked at McDonald's. But then he moved back to his family, and he kinda forgot about me, I guess. 2 years ago my younger cousin moved in our house. Because he had a hard time at home. I was worried about him. I cried every night. Do you know how hard it is to see, people you love, having such a bad time that they can't control themselves? Yes, I had to survive it. Everyone focused on how his siblings were feeling about it. But nobody thought about me. I was the one who was most affected tho. His siblings didn't even live in the same house as him. I had him randomly yelling at me. Even tho many would see it as a bad time for me too. I wouldn't say it was. I felt like I got to know him more. But later he was sent to hospital. I think he realized how he had been acting towards me, and he had told my mum he was embarrassed. He slowly stopped talking with me. 

3.Big Cousin

So my cousin moved from my motherland to Denmark. We became  close very quickly. I think this was around 10'? idk. He lived here for 3-5 months. I knew he'll be moving again soon, but I thought nothing would change. He moved to France. We had to cut down the contact, but it was fine. I missed him, but I was convinced that as soon as everything became alright. We could visit each other. But no, the idiot he was he decided to go back to his country. Then, bang. He forgot about me. But how come I thought I'd ever be like a real sis to anybody? He already got his real one. 

4.You

The creators plans strike again. He did it again, just like with the twins.

5.R

So the guy fucking pops up in my life like a "don't kill yourself"-sign, and then leaves again. Like what now? Does this mean I can leave now? But a lesson is learnt. Next I won't wait for so long to talk with someone. Because people are actually not always the worst. 

-A

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Dear Alex, 
I feel empty/lost/awful once again.  Why did he come into my life again? if he's going away again. Dinner with my family went really good. Nobody commented my looks this time. That was really nice.  

Now the thing is, it's this summer he's going. It's soon. It's very soon. I feel like this summer is gonna be my hell. R is moving. Everything is changing. 
I already miss him. He's on holiday right now. He'll be home tomorrow . I feel like everything is pointless right now. 

I cried myself to sleep last night. I had nobody to talk with. It's scary how alone I feel. Will you please come and take me away from all of this? 
To make things even worse, my weight is hell again. I'm fat.
Yesterday I said I was living a dream, but it turned out to be a nightmare pretty quickly.

-A

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Dear Alex, 

I'm sorry I haven't written to you for so long. I just didn't know what write, or more like I didn't have time. Just got home from S'. It was great to catch up with her. We talked a lot. I mean a loooooooot. When you sit talking about stuff, you often realise something. That's when she said, if all that has happened didn't, we wouldn't have been this close. If you were still here, I wouldn't have been bestfriends with her. It's wierd to think about. I can't imagine how my life would be, if you were still here. Like losing you, changed me a lot. You are kinda the one who made me the way I am. 

Feels like living in a fantasy world...

-A

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Dear Alex. 
To make you more comfortable, I've eaten 2 muffins today. So no, I'm not starving myself. R is going to Dubai tomorrow, so not seeing him for a week. So I got this easter holiday coming. The plans about going London are cancelled again :((((

I have never once in my life been told my parents to be myself, and get others to accept me the way I am. Every single time, I get told "Fit in, be like others, make people like you" . Even tho they keep telling me this, I've  got the healthier mindset on check. I'm the way I am, and I'll be the way I am. If you like me, then cool. If you don't, that's not my problem. 

But yeah for the holiday. Well, I got a English presentation to make, and then hang out with the best friend, and I'm saving up money for a skateboard. I'm not allowed to get it, but they don't understand my love. So I'll just get it. It's first time I'm buying something without their permission, but what can I do? 

I've started doing some different drawing stuff. Graffiti is really cool, but I hate that some people use it the wrong way. R said my stuff is really good, and that I should consider making a piece at the skate park. Idk, if it's legal or not? But the place is already covered with shit and a few good pieces, so a little art won't hurt,right? I don't know when I'll be getting the skateboard, but I'll do asap.

The fucking snow is back. 

-A

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Dear Alex, 
Today has been amazing. I survived the whole day (school,PE and ballet) without any food. You should be proud. Don't try to convince me that I'm going into my bad routines again. Don't say that I'm just harming my body, or that I shouldn't do this because of my weight. I said I haven't eaten, but that doesn't mean I didn't drink anything.  In the morning I had a cup of milk, and then when I got home I had a couple of glasses.On the way to Ballet I had some ice coffee. So no! This is not my eating disorder taking over again!
Ballet class went alright. I'm more comfortable now. I don't feel fat at all. Maybe I'm even happy that I got my body the way it is. Like who wouldn't appreciate a great ass? ;)

Do you think our three-way friendship will last? I mean me, J and R. If it does I'll be amazed. I'm telling you I'll always make an effort to keep it, but if they want to? Idk it's their choice. R is going Dubai tomorrow or on Thursday, I'm not really sure. I hope he enjoys the trip. I mean, of course he will. Who doesn't like being with their family?

I really like spending time with family. But we never do it. We kinda do, but it's always the way my parents want it to be. I mean, sometimes they should try make an effort understanding me. I wish all my family lived in Denmark. Like uncles, aunts, cousins and grandma. That would be amazing. My uncle lives nearby. I wish I spent more time with them. Maybe I should contact my cousin, and we could find a way to bring he families together...I'll work it out later. 

My dad talked about going to London after the Easter holiday, because the prices in the holidays are quite expensive. I hope he finds some cheap tickets. If we go London, I promise to find some way to visit your grave. I'm in touch  with your sister now, so let's hope she would like to meet me again. 

-A

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Dear Alex, 
I'm so happy for J. She got a boyfriend. I don't know him much, but from what I know he sounds like a nice guy. Just to be sure, that my girl isn't around with some troublemaker I checked his Facebook. He's 2-3 years older than us. I guess that's alright. Plus, he isn't that attractive. Don't get me wrong, he's not attractive from my point of view. Which I think is good. Because attractive guys tend to be more player types. If he ever hurts her, I swear I'll kill. 

This kinda makes me sad. I'm not saying I'm not happy for her, I'm beyond happy for them. She deserve all good in life. But when people get into relationships, they often forget their friends. She's my only friend, and I won't handle it. 

I'm kinda jealous too. Because she's with a guy again. She got guys waiting for her all the time. She's perfect. She's pretty, gorgeous hair, perfect body, athletic and perfect personality. She's the pretty friend. I'm the one who is just there. 

No boy have ever liked me. No one has ever had a crush on me. I'm not saying that you aren't a boy. I bet you wouldn't even have liked me, if it weren't for that time where T left us at her house for 2 hours and we were kinda forced to get to know each other. But you know? I've never been the type who is into having a boyfriend. And you knew it. 

My mind works the way that, there is no need to tell everyone that you're in a relationship as long as you know you love each other. Like why would you want them to know? I remember more than you'd wish I did remember. Your childish little love.

What were you even thinking,baby? You thought I would want a boyfriend when I was 12? You know? If it wasn't you, the friendship we had would've ended that second. But only because it was you it didn't, because I loved you already as my best friend. I hoped that friendship would develop thru the years. Not go from bestfriends to couple in a day, but slowly turn into love. 

Now when I think about it, I regret a lot. It still doesn't change that I think having a boyfriend at that young age is pointless. But I do wish you were my first love. 

-A

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Dear Alex, 
I feel like so much had happened, but not. I don't ever feel complete. Let me try tell about the past few days. I talked about texting R's mum,right? Yeah, I did. And she texted back that he was alright, and an hour after that he texted back too. Maybe it's just me. But when I look back at my texts to him, it's kinda embarrassing. But it was fine with him, so it's alright. 

I've finally told S about everything, well I didn't tell her. I just told her to read this blog. I'm kinda relieved that she knows, and she said she'll always be there for me. A lot of people say that, and I guess it's one more of that kind. People need to realise there is a huge difference between understanding people and just saying okay to everything. I probably expect too much from people. 

Well, let's move on to something less serious. I've started watching Switched At Birth. It's amazing.I think I got a small crush on Sean Berdy. How come I've never heard about him before? His ASL music video for Hero is just fantastic. I'm in love with sign language. It's not just something I'm saying because of Sean and Switched At Birth. You know I loved looking at people signing, and your sister said she'd learn me some. But the thing I know are American, I've found out there is a huge difference between American and British. 

I got a new canvas couple of days ago. I got some ideas on my mind, but don't know which one to choose. I'd like to begin working today, but need to choose first. 

-A

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Dear Alex, 

Still no R at school, and my  attacks are starting again.  I know that he usually gets these really bad headaches, but I can't stop worrying. He haven't answered any texts and haven't been online on Skype. J has texted him too, and I think she even rang him. But no answer. 

I know I shouldn't be worrying, but it's hard when I get these nightmares every single night about your accident. It's like it so frustrating. Because what if the nightmares are some signs? What if what happened to you, happens to him because he started talking with me. I feel like I'm some danger-magnet, who attracts problems. 

I got this really bad attack in class. I think people are getting used to me having attacks now. But I just couldn't stop. I was shaking really bad, crying and I couldn't breather normally. Then our teacher walked in asked if I wanted to tell about it or if J is allowed to tell her about it. I don't think I could've told  so, I let J do it. I guess, it was too much to handle for my teacher. She left after that, and somehow I finally calmed down a bit. She had told J, that she didn't know what to do. 

Well, I don't think it's possible to get me out of this by talking to a psychologist because they annoy me. The only way is self-control. I have to get through this alone. Nobody are able to do it for me. After class J and I went down to talk with R's cousin. Because J thought that proving he was alright would help me. 

I don't think people will ever get, how it isn't something that I actually think. It's something that's on my mind. I know nothing has happened to him, but my mind is trying to prove me wrong. If I had control, I would control it. But I don't. 

Just to be completely sure, and get rid of the bad feeling maybe I should text his mum. That may be wierd, but what if that's what's needed to get me calmed down?

-A

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Dear Alex, 
R wasn't at school today. I know he's probably alright, but whenever he isn't at school my brain automatically imagines the worst things possible. It's horrible. We got our project grades today. Our project wasn't good. But the teacher said that my confident while doing the presentation, and the way I talked added up on our grades. She told us, that I was the one who saved the presentation-part. It made me really happy, because I'm not usually good at doing talking-stuff. 

Since the teachers told me to say more in class, I've been really active today. Sitting in the front of class helps a lot, because then I won't think about the ones who sit behind me who'll maybe judge me. My confidence was kinda good today. Even tho my mind was messed. Because I'm constantly worrying about R. I really need to stop it. 

I talked a lot today. I was talking like non-stop. I also talked with E. I think I've told about him once before. He's usually really quiet,doesn't say much. But just to get him to talk, I kept annoying him. It was fun, even tho some asked if I was high. 

After school I was supposed to walk home with M and some other girls, but they got someone to pick them up. So I was just kidding and told them that if they left me, then I got my new homie E. But I actually ended up walking home with him. It was fun, because we were just teasing each other all the time. I'm really childish, even tho I can be mature at times.

-A

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Dear Alex, 
I like the Italic font, so that's what I'll be using. Had my first Ballet class after like 5 years now. It' was alright, we already got a show this spring. I don't really know what I want to tell you, but I can just feel I need to talk with you. I'm getting this really bad feeling, without any reason. I had a tiny bad feeling 2 days ago, because I thought R has thrown the badge I gave him away. But he was wearing it today, so he still got it. I really don't know what's upsetting me now. Until I get to the main thing that upsets, which I don't know I can tell you something random. I want a hug. One tight hug that lasts for a while. I want it from you. Nobody else could do it. But yeah, random thing hmm...what should I tell you? This is not gonna be interesting at all, I really don't know what to say. But I'm not stopping until I feel relieved. Well, I got a mark on my knuckle. Don't try to slap R, while he's talking. You'll hit his teeth, and it'll your hand more than it'll hurt his face. A lesson is learnt. I love him.

That was pretty damn random,wasn't it? I wish you could just walk up to someone and ask for a hug, but that's just wierd. The fake liprings J and I ordered has been delivered. Can't wait to check if they suit us. We're gonna try fool some people, by saying they're real. It's gonna be fun. I've been thinking a lot about the piercings, I don't think I want the real ones. Because I want to be something like a doctor or psychologist, so piercings won't help me getting a job. 

I'm still not allowed to buy a skateboard. But I want to one so bad. Every time I talk about it with someone they say it won't suit me. They say I won't be able to skate. Who do they think they are? How can they allow themselves to talk such bullshit? If I want to, I'll try harder than anything to make it happen. 

I told my mum dancing is my life. She told me that it can't be. Who is she to decide what I should be thinking about my life? I am the only one who got the rights to decide what my life is. She's saying life is education and having a family. She told me that I'd not be able to find a partner, if dance means so much to me. She asked me who would spent their life with someone who dedicate their life to a sport?  If I can't find someone who accepts me the way I am, I'd rather not marry anyone. The most important thing in love is accepting and loving every single flaw. Doesn't she knoe what love is? Poor woman

-A

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Dear Alex, 
Currently sitting in class. I'm so nervous for our presentation, but it'll probably be alright. 

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Dear Alex, 
We had this parent-meeting today. The teachers told me that I was a great student, and that I cold get straight A's. But I had to talk some more in class for that. I know this. And I've been told this since forever. But I don't even understand why I don't do it then. We have to find some way to keep my confidence up all the time. How do I do that? Maybe a style-change will help? Or what can I do to make me feel better? I should be asking myself, but instead I'm asking you.

I've realized,  I'm not the only one who puts everything in friendship. J feels the same way, I can feel it. She's been talking a lot about out little group. Just the three of us. R moving is gonna hurt her too, so we'll go thru this together. She talks a lot about you too for some reason. She said that you inspire her. I don't understand in which way tho, because she doesn't even know the half about you. But you are an really inspirational person. I admire the way you handled everything.

Since she talks a lot about our little group, it's been on my mind. Isn't it weird  how we finally ended with this group? Would we have talked with each other if none of us had these problems? Until now, I thought I was the only one who felt the "group" between us. But J does too. And so does R. It's really indescribably amazing to know the ones you love and care about the most, love you back.

-A

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Dear Alex,
I don't know I haven't been up to much lately. Nothing special good happened. Hmm..did I tell you about the fight? I don't know, if I should. No, probably not. But yeah, one of us who started the fight will get kicked out. But Franko has put on a challenge, whoever loses the challenge is out. It's quite fair, but where do I find a dancing noob who is willing to learn to dance? But other than that. I'm alright. I don't really have any emotions, I don't even understand how that's possible. I don't have a lot to say anymore. I'm turning into some kinda empty soul, I guess. That's kinda good, because no feelings means not getting hurt.

We have parents-meeting tomorrow. I'm afraid that my teacher is going to tell about my problems. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow before the meeting. I don't want my parents to find out. They don't even know much about you. I don't want them involved in anything about you.

-A

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Dear Alex,
Today was amazing. To be fucking honest, I loved this week. It's been great. We're finally done with the project work. We are just gonna do the last touch-ups tomorrow, and then the presentation next week. We finished it off early so we went to J's place. J and I have been asking R to let us straighten his hair for a while, so he finally let us today. His hair is quite long. For a second he looked like a twin you or something. You know sometimes people have this one moment where they look unnaturally perfect? Yup, R had one of those. I swear, "emo" or goth R will be the death of me. After that we went down to the skate park. I love watching people skate, I could do it for hours. But it was cold, so I went home earlier.

I'm the kind of person who is honest, when it's people I wanna be honest with. Like I won't ever hesitate on telling R on how perfect he is? Tbh I think I've told him a few times, and the funny thing is I don't even get embarrassed  Because that's the true. I can see his flaws. I know his bad habits. But he's perfect. I don't even understand how that's possible. But you know? Sometimes you see someone who isn't perfect for everyone else, but no matter how hard you try to tell yourself they aren't perfect. You just can't.

But I've cleared up a bit of my feelings now. I don't have a crush on R. I'm sure, all I ever wanted was a friendship. Now that I get it, I don't get this moments where I could just cry about everything. Some people may think it's wierd that being friends with someone means so much to me, but if they were me they'd understand.

R and J are my sunshines. Because of the time I've spent with them this week, I didn't focus on the bad at all. But I probably should give it a lil bit attention, so I don't end in some big trouble when I'm alone. Well, I've these huge problems with some girls. We get in lots of fights, so one of us will be set off the hiphop-crew. I have this bad feeling that it's gonna be me, because most don't like me. I've always been the one they didn't like. I joined in those old days, where Franko was here. I miss her like hell.

-A

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Dear Alex,
R wasn't at school today, he had a day off. When I got home the first things my parents asked was "Why do you look so sad? Wasn't R at school". First of all I wouldn't say I looked sad, it's just my face. Second, since when did my parents start noticing what I care about and how I am. I guess it's the right way to go. They've started understanding a bit.

So we did some of the work for the project, and sent R a lot of stuff to read and re-write. We are great friends, aren't we? Making him read and re-write stuff that we don't even need. Excited to see his work tomorrow aha. I learnt making those paper wish stars today. So proud of me. Then I decided to make a star for every single person I love 100% , trust and care about. Surprisingly, I could only make 4 stars.

I kinda hate myself for not loving more people truly, but that's just how I am. I think I'm finally getting more comfortable being around R when others are there too. That's great.

I know I talk and think about R & J a lot. But those people are my only reasons to be here. It's nice to know that I mean a lot to J too. J and I talked a lot about life today. How wierd it's gonna be when R moves school, and then the next year we're all in different schools. I hope J and I are still friends. I'm not sure about R. I wish we will stay friends, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Because he's moving twice. He'll get new better friends. But a little piece of my heart is still hoping for one of the magical friendship. Like you know in movies? Where the group of friends meet up like very year same place, same date, same time.

Anyways, J is thinking about a bit style change. She said she got inspired by your style. Finally I've been waiting for someone to change their styles completely. She wants to get her hair layered and then dye it black. She's in love with the whole "Skater"-thing. Like I used to be. I really hope she changes her style. Nothing wrong with the current one, but a change doesn't hurt. Her dad will maybe let her. I wish I could do the same. But my parents want me to be "normal".

We're ordering some fake liprings soon. Then we'll try some black washout dye. If it all works together. Perfect! :D

-A

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Dear Alex,
Today has been fun. We're half done with the project work. We're a good group, I'm telling you. Then we went down town to waste some time, and after that we went to the skate park.You probably still remember my huge love for skate parks even tho I never skated? It's about 1 and a half year since I've been to any skate parks, so it was quite nice to be there. I love spending time watching people doing something the really love. I spend 2 hours just watching R and J skating, or R was skating and J was riding her waveboard. They asked me a lot of times to join, but you remember how big of a skate disaster I am,right? So I refused. But then I finally I decided to try. And I'm telling I'm never ever going to stand on a waveboard again. I don't understand that thing. I fell off once, and then I didn't wanna try again. But the skateboard was a bit easier. Not telling you that I can actually skate, but at least I didn't fall off. But even tho I didn't do much,I enjoyed watching them. I can watch people skate forever. You know? It's like a drug watching people do something they really enjoy. Like you get completely lost in the way they move? I can't really explain, but I think you get me. For a short moment I thought I saw you, but it was just R. It scared me a bit. But yeah, as I told you it's like my drug.

Ballet class got cancelled today, so I went to the hiphop "class" instead. I don't think my parents will ever understand my passion for dancing. I tried off singing for a while, it's alright. But I think it's about time that I admit, that I can't live without dancing.

-A

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Dear Alex, 
I love my style. Yup, I finally found one more thing I love about myself. My style isn't that special, and you can't really stereotype it because it's so mixed. I love how I can fix my style, it's not like I need an amount of money to make it look like me. We started the project today, we didn't really do much. Because we're all lazy asses.But I promise we'll do more tomorrow. Our goal is getting an A, just to prove our teacher wrong, and show her that we can actually work in a group together. I think I'm slowly learning to accept life the way it is. Because I got no other choice. R is going to that boarding school an hour away from here after the summer, and after that he's moving to Copenhagen. So it's about time that I prepare my mind, to that the last day of school before summer holiday is the last day I'm gonna see him. It's weird to think about how he just popped up in my life for 2 years, and then he's gone again. J will be here after the summer holiday tho.And after that I'll move to a city nearby if my parents allow me or maybe I'm stuck here idk. But isn't it weird how we are forced to move on all the time?

We're going to the skate park tomorrow. Did you know that R has been the skate park nearby? Yeah, that place. It's horrible to know that the place exists. And that it all actually happened. I met the boys few days ago. It's awful to live here. When I know they're are in the neighborhood. It's a nightmare. No one would be able to survive this. How would you feel if you met the ones who did such cruel things to you? It's makes me wanna cry. But I don't bc no. But then later on i met the girls who support the boys. They're the worst. They're girls,right? Shouldn't they understand how I'm feeling. Anyways I ignore all they said and kept on walking but then this lil biatch, who used to be my friend mentioned you. That's when hell started. I punched the lead girl. Remind me that I'm awful at punching people, and that I end up hurting my fist. Just so I know next time. But they were like 4-5 against me, so it wasn't really a fight. My legs are still blue-ish, but don't worry I'll be alright soon.

Back to the fun. Skate park tomorrow. My parents told me that I'm not allowed to skate. I told them that I can't lie, and that I've skated in school some times. And even tho they won't let me I'll probably do it in school. My dad thanked me for being honest, I guess that's good.  But he won't ever let me buy a skateboard. But if I can find other ways to skate, then I'm allowed.

Now to the greatest news of the day. Guess who will be going to Ballet-classes again soon? Yup, that's me. If I promised not to talk about moving away all the time, my parents will pay for my classes. Great deal! Isn't it? Pretty easy, since I'm starting to accept everything.

Oh, and one more thing. I dreamt about R's brother last night. Pretty weird, since I don't really know him.

-A

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Dear Alex, 
My brain is not functioning good enough to write a proper letter. So I'll just write down all my thoughts. Have you ever wondered what the meaning with friendships is?  Like why make friends, when you're going to change them all thru life? How long do you think we would have lasted? That's been on my mind a lot. Do you think our friendship would have lasted? I don't like the way life is something that constantly keeps changing. I wish it was possible to know people forever. But I guess, it's possible. Like if both people want it to last, it can last. But mostly it's one of them who moves on, and the other one who misses the friendship. I feel like I'm always the one wants things to last forever. I'm having this bad feeling that I'm going to be the one who can't move on after summer. I'm gonna be stuck, and I can't do anything about it. I wish my parents had money enough to let me go to a boarding school. I'd love it. It's like once in life-time chance, if I can't this year, it's never going to happen. People say "Money can't buy happiness", but it can make a difference. I'm not saying that all you need to be happy is money,but it can help.

Rant over. I'm so sorry, but I had to get all of that off my mind. Let me tell you about the good things in my life. Yes, I know I talk a lot about the negative, but I do notice good too.

Well, I'll be trying to skate soon. My friend's brother has an old skateboard. He's willing to sell it cheap, or maybe even free. I'm so excited for getting it. I hope I like skateboarding. There are some few things in life that make me feel infinite. I'm hoping that skateboarding is something I can add to the list but who knows.

I've realised there some people who really care about me. I wasn't at school today, because I was mentally down. But I woke up to 3 texts. 1 from a the one with the skateboard, asking why I wasn't at school. And the other 2 were from J. She was getting worried. That girl is amazing. The only reason I'll survive next year. But I still really wanna go to the boarding school. It's my only way to get into the Performance-thingy.

-A

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