the best & the worst

So we had to practice musical in the first 2 lessons. The play is going ok. But I fucking hate the music-teacher!!! First he was like "no, you can't audition. Not my fault that you were at hospital" but then this other teacher talked with him, and he was like "all right, one chance then". Then they wanted me to sing Summer Nights from Grease, which I hate. I really hate the girl's voice, it's so high. But because I love performing, and it is my only chance to sing in front of a bigger crowd, I said yes. I used so much time practicing it, but at music class I found out that I've practiced it in a wrong pitch. So I got told listen to the song as much as possible, and keep practicing. I did that. I fucking listened to that fucking annoying song ao many times. But today, they said they're not even going to use it. Ugh, I fucking hate it, when people make you all excited, but then no...Boom, and put you down low again. Waaaahay! :(

But if we look on the bright side, no big attacks at all! Only some few shakes, but it went over again. J only want the best for me, but she just messed up my mind. But she asked what if I didn't know the truth about my angle's death? Like I never got any confirming, what if it wasn't an accident?  It's been hard to concentrate with that on my mind, but I'll be fine.

Wherever he is, he's better there! He deserves the best, and that's what he'll be getting!

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Sickest mood-swing

So I had the sickest mood-swings today. Like seriously?! Yesterday I was like all "be happy", and that continued through the morning today. So it was an alright day. We had to write an essay about life-decisions, so I wrote about my life. I always get good grades on my emotional essays, so I wrote about admitting my ED, and telling it to J, R and M. Writing the part about telling the doctor, J or M wasn't hard at all. But the R part was a little bit harder, because then  I started thinking about my angel. And how nervous I was after giving the letter. So I decided to go for a walk, when I came back I was totally fine again.

But in the last break we ended up how I found R's brother's picture, and that he doesn't even have an account where I found the picture. It was quite scary, because that means someone is using his picture. Then R&J asked if I could show them a picture of my angel, but I had to admit that I've deleted them all. R asked if I couldn't ask my angel's parents, and J asked if I couldn't get it from his sis. They really wanted to see him. I felt really bad about it, because why did I even delete all the pics? Why didn't I at least save one or something?
I thought this was going to be a day without any of these "attacks", but then it started. I had to walk out of class, I spent the whole maths lesson outside the classroom crying. So many people walked by but no-one noticed. I don't even know if I wanted people to care, because there are only a very few I want to talk with. But after the maths lesson, my friend found me. I really don't know who'll understand me better than J. She's perfect!

She tried to get me to calm down, it kind of helped. We walked in to class, but then R asked if I'm ok, and then the tears came running back. Because that boy is one of the few reminders of Alex, there is left on this earth. When I looked in his eyes, I was so ashamed of myself. Because he's helped me through so much the last 2 years, but I couldn't even do one thing for him. I ran out. Took some deep breathes and then I was ready again. So we had these double-lesson of German, I started out not feeling well and I was shaking so much, that I couldn't even do any of my work.  But J really understands me well, sometimes I even think she can read my mind, but probably not. We both tagged along with the boy group. I really prefer they boys' in my class compared to the others, even tho some say they're weird. So since J and I don't have much trouble with German, we finished ours quickly. Rest of that lesson we just sat looking at the boys having a "don't laugh"-competition and then they started doing prank-calls. It was really funny. R is sooooo adorable, that it hurts. E is the guy who never talk much or loud, but he was the one doing the prank calls. He even shouted something funny, and I was just surprised that he could sound so loud hah. But these boys got me in a really good mood.


So today's heroes: E&M&R&J


I

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New beginning

My day has been messed up as always, with my attacks. It's daily now. But I'll learn to control it. I'm sick of being the kid with problems. Maybe I'm just doing one thing wrong, and that's why everything seems so wrong. Anyways from now on I'm gonna look at thing with another perspective. Like my angel isn't someone who isn't with me anymore, he's not someone who left me on this hell, he's not gone. He's with me. I'm actually luckier than most people. I got a guardian angel. I know he'll be there for me. I'm gonna live to make him proud. the thing I really need to work on is the attacks, but I'll fight it.

I'm so happy that by changing, i can help a friend too. She's having a bad time too, so I suggested that we'll both get thru this together. We've bot said this a lot of times, but I hope this time it really works out. This is the end.

Happiness is to be found.

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Plot-twists

Sprained wrist and a stomach covered with scars aren't how you are supposed to turn up to prom dance rehearsals, and if your dance partner isn't as caring as mine. It'll be even worse. The rehearsals went ok, even tho I couldn't do much. And this bitch accidently held my hand really tight. Accidently. Accidently?! Like is she blind or something. It's kinda obvious that you've to be careful, when someone got their hand covered in bandage isn't it?

Seriously, I could look at this guy all day all my life. Not as perfect as my angel. But enough to make me happy, sometimes I wish I was best friends with him, but then I'll remind myself how awkward I am. I'm seriously sooooo bad at getting new friends.

Why does these attack thing happen to me?! Seriously, I could kind of feel it coming, so I went outside for a walk. I thought it was alright after that, but no. I started shaking, got scared, started getting this kinda blackouts. I feel so bad for M. She really wanna help me, but I don't know how it's possible. I seriously don't know what I would do at school without J. I feel bad for her too. She's going thru a lot herself, but instead of being there for her and help her as I used to. I'm here struggling with shit.

Now comes the plot-twist of the day. Like a seriously big plot-twist. I used to have this pic of a random guy saved on my pc, I've had it as my background and it has helped me to calm down after some of the "attacks". But the guy turned out to be R's brother. The way he was casual about it scared me even more, if someone had your bro as their background, shouldn't you be more than "Yeah, that is my bro."?!

I still can't believe this is actually true. There are so many people on earth, how come the only pic I found that looks like my angel is the one of R's bro?

Plot-twists.

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Relieved

Phew.......R took it well. He seems understanding, and he was kinda surprised, but oh well. Probably because I'm most of an all happy person most of the time.

Finished my Tamil exam without even studying for it, guess it went ok. Not too bad. I think I finally found my dress for prom. I'm the very picky type, when it's about something I wear. Because I wanted it to look good on me, without being too fir or too loose. And I have this thing about i want it to be simple, but not boring. Shows my figure, but not too girly. And it HAS to be black. You see my problem? Well, anyways th e problem is solved now. Just thinking about shoes now, because I only feel comfortable in a short dress if I wear heels, but I don't know if I wanna wear heels because that'll probably make me taller than R. But whatever? 

So I'm trying to get my body in "shape" for prom. I'm not allowed to say I'm fat anymore, since I got proven that I weigh too little. So what can I say? I don't feel like my body looks the way it should. It's not perfect. Like my thighs and bum are too big. My upper body is ok, but my arms are wierd. I'll just hide it with a cardigan. 

So I got this kinda Anxiety-thing. Where I get really nervous/scared for a while. It's really scary, and embarrassing when people ask what's wrong, but I can't do anything about it. I've had a few "attacks" at school, but luckily the only who noticed are M&J. But I'm getting more and more of these, it's been worse thru the weekend. I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid. What if it happens, and others notice? My social life is bad already, could this make it even worse? 

This is really relieving. I think I finally found my way to talk with someone.

I don't even care if noone reads this, but one day I'll look back at this and see how my days used to be. 

Sincerely yours

-A

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I'm here to stay

Hello there
From now on this is just gonna be a blog about my life. I'm currently reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, it's amaaaaaaaaazing! Charlie is such a cutie! I really love how he writes letters about his life to a stranger. I want to do the same kinda thing, so I'll do it here!

So I decided to tell all the people I love and trust about my life, and everything I feel they deserve know. It was quite easy telling M&J, but I was nervous about telling R. You may be wondering why i use letters instead of names, but I can't have people knowing everything, can I? Anyways, because I'm the type who gets really nervous, when I have to tell something I wrote him a letter. I had to leave before he read it, and he is ill today. So I haven't seen him since. Wonder if he thinks I'm a psycho or if he'll just accept the way I am?

Currently sitting in History Class writing this, what a good student I am? Well, today haven't been that good. Had one of those bad moments, where everything is wrong. It could be anxiety? Well, I'm deffo not going to the doctors' to find out. I hate doctors, they are so scary. Just the way they talk makes me wanna cry.

I got a Tamil exam on Sunday, i better start studying soon. I used to be A+ student, but lately I've been having trouble on concentrating.Haven't done anything productive today, just been looking at pics. So the next tomorrow is going to be all-study-study-study. Sounds fun,right?

I'll make sure to get some pictures for the next post. History class is ending soon.

 byeee!

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Back in the game ;)

So I haven't blogged for a while. I'm actually quite busy right now. But it's fun tho. Drama,Dance and Singing, I'm kinda doin what I love :D <3
I'm thinking about start doing videos, and model pics. So I give it a try? ;)
Byyee

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