It's like my mind is in a state of bliss, and everything is not perfect but it isn't bad either. I just don't feel like writing much, because I haven't been bottling up any feeling.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Omg god why the fucking fuck did I start reading Looking For Alaska. My heart is currently feeling like a glass breaking and a paper crumbling at the same time. And all the tiny pieces of heart there is left, is coming together in the middle of me. And I feel like that I should throw it up and get rid of it. But that's impossible.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
So I was sitting in class, doing my things. And suddenly (as always) my mind freezes. And when starts again I'm sad. Nothing big tragical has happened but I couldn't put myself. A need to cry out. So I decided to write it all down in the side and hold the tears in until the break. So this is what I wrote. Just wanted to show you. The picture is not that good, so I'll type it in now.
"Kill me.
These thoughts are worse than suicidal selfdestructing thoughts.
This hurts way more...
It's lile someone is digging in something inside me. Every dig, leaves me feeling emptier and emptier. But emptiness does not equal numb. I'm longing for someone I never had and probably never will. It's not even like I wanna be romantically involved with them, I just want them near me. Just so I can hear their voice and witness their existence. It's hurting. Someone who doesn't belong with me, feels like a part of me. I promise you, this is the worst feeling. Because nothing has changed, but you just feel worse and there is nothing to do about it. You connect with strangers on a level that can't be described, but you can do nothing about it and you know, as soon as they're gone, you'll be left feeling empty. And for every one of those kind of people you meet, you'll only feel all good at once, and then it'll drain you."
These thoughts are worse than suicidal selfdestructing thoughts.
This hurts way more...
It's lile someone is digging in something inside me. Every dig, leaves me feeling emptier and emptier. But emptiness does not equal numb. I'm longing for someone I never had and probably never will. It's not even like I wanna be romantically involved with them, I just want them near me. Just so I can hear their voice and witness their existence. It's hurting. Someone who doesn't belong with me, feels like a part of me. I promise you, this is the worst feeling. Because nothing has changed, but you just feel worse and there is nothing to do about it. You connect with strangers on a level that can't be described, but you can do nothing about it and you know, as soon as they're gone, you'll be left feeling empty. And for every one of those kind of people you meet, you'll only feel all good at once, and then it'll drain you."
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Dear Alex,
It's been so long now. But I guess this just shows how much more independent I've become. I just read through the letter from June. I really cared about R,huh? Guess what now? I met him last time few months ago. Everything is being exactly how I predicted it to be. The surprising thing is I'm no longer hurt by it. I chat with E on a daily base. Yeah, and KMc. That's about it. But I'm happy now. I do Dance twice a week. I know what I want to do with my future. What more do I need?
-A
It's been so long now. But I guess this just shows how much more independent I've become. I just read through the letter from June. I really cared about R,huh? Guess what now? I met him last time few months ago. Everything is being exactly how I predicted it to be. The surprising thing is I'm no longer hurt by it. I chat with E on a daily base. Yeah, and KMc. That's about it. But I'm happy now. I do Dance twice a week. I know what I want to do with my future. What more do I need?
-A
Saturday, September 21, 2013
So I often catch myself asking "Why?". I bet lots of others do that as well. But what do we actually want answered? The answers could be so many things, but yet we decide just to sit and keep questioning ourselves, instead of going out of the darkest corner of our mind and discovering all the possible answers.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Hello there,
Today has been quite cute idk. K is really funny, not exactly funny. But more like silly. Apparently we are now the "cute friends" in our year. I don't really get it, because we just sit making weird faces at each other and then laugh. You know what's so great about his laugh? He doesn't laugh very often, he actually doesn't even smile. I'm not sure, but from what I've heard. He's got some kinda mental disorder, and some problems at home. Our teacher is often asks if he's ok and stuff. So he must be one of us. J and I kinda probably had a feeling from the start. Sometimes you just know who will need your support and won't push you away. Nothing makes my day better than knowing that I'm making someone feel better.
Today has been quite cute idk. K is really funny, not exactly funny. But more like silly. Apparently we are now the "cute friends" in our year. I don't really get it, because we just sit making weird faces at each other and then laugh. You know what's so great about his laugh? He doesn't laugh very often, he actually doesn't even smile. I'm not sure, but from what I've heard. He's got some kinda mental disorder, and some problems at home. Our teacher is often asks if he's ok and stuff. So he must be one of us. J and I kinda probably had a feeling from the start. Sometimes you just know who will need your support and won't push you away. Nothing makes my day better than knowing that I'm making someone feel better.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Hello Alex,
I had something important to tell you when I was typing in the url, but know I forgot. Well, I miss you. J said she missed you too, even tho she never knew you. I thought this year, I would be able to get over the fact that the one that I used to come running to whenever just the tiniest bit was wrong was gone. But I can't accept it. It's not fair that so many idiots are alive, while you aren't. Why did this happen? Probably because you deserve heaven more than anyone, but why did it happen like that? Have I sinned or something? Since I'm the one who is most affected by it. Of course your sister was hurt too, but she found her love. I'm really happy her, and I wish I had been to the wedding. But school, and I also think it would be emotionally hard for your sis and I. Even tho she understands me know, I still don't think the hatred for me deep inside her will ever disappear.
Back to life.
I have already been more social than I've been the past 2 years. I think it's a great change. But I still dislike a lot of people. Even ones I talk with. I'll give you an update on people I'll eventually talk about:
KJ- He's a new guy in my class. The only guy from my class I can get along with, well there's actually one more but he's one of the popular kids. So it doesn't really work out. Now back to K. I started out thinking he was okay, but then he was apparently (I don't know exactly what happened) was a dick to my Ballet-friend. It's something about her liking him, and he acted like it was mutual. At the same time he flirted with some other girls. And then his attitude was like "Idc if you call me a player, I just wanna get to know every girl on this year". And he told everyone that he was the one who dumped her, while it actually was her who dumped him. But anyways I thought that it wouldn't be fair to judge him completely.He really is arrogant and kinda annoying. But he's really nice to me and J, so he's accepted in the lil crew, now that we've lost three members (E, R and Mg). I'm really a straight forward person, so I've already told him that I think he's annoying but I'm annoying too. So that's the reason I think we could get along. Oh and one more thing that makes him a good friend. He got soft hair. I used the whole journey from Paris to home, on stroking his hair. Didn't even care if he was asleep or not. He seemed to enjoy so I think it was fine.
Az- New girl in my class. She's really beautiful. Loves Mickey and Dance. It says it all? Doesn't it? She's like a soulfriend. She's funny the weird way as well. At first when I saw her, I thought she was one of the popular kids bc soooooo beautiful. She has started to hang out with some people I dislike, but they haven't started to dislike me yet so I guess it's fine.
L- New girl in K's class. She's so funny and nice and sweet. We have some common obsessions like dance, Disney and Dance academy. She's really weird the good way too. Even tho Az is prettier, I think I like L better. Because she likes me as well. (no homo, just here)
I think it's enough people for now. I remember why I came here at first now. You're the only one who want to listen to all my bullshit.So thank you very much. Don't think I'm done yet. I got a few memories from the Paris trip that I'd like to tell you about.
I had to share room with the Balletfriend. She's so girly, and so " miss-everything-have-to-be-perfect-bc-I'm-daddy's-little-girl"-type. Which annoys the shit out of me, but I survived 5 days. So where is the applause? Thank you. From our room we could see some of the other kids' rooms. It was fun until one of the boys decided to get ready for be. So he just.....oops got distracted by something else. Back to the matter. so he just forgot that their curtains were open and started stripping down. We were like omg kill me. The funny thing is we couldn't see who any of the kids were, beside that it was someone from our year. And then the next morning this dude said " did you like what you saw" and we all died of laughter.
Someone knocked on the door. I'll be back later. Finally back.
Hmm...what to tell about now? Ooh I can tell you about the night adventures in the scary hotel. So it was a really....oh sorry got distracted again by new photos posted on Fb from the trip. Yeah right, the hotel was quite strict. So we weren't allowed to visit each other as at all. So this one night, I think it was Thursday night. J sneaked into my room....
Oh wait I got another story before that. Tuesday night we had a groupcall with R on Skype. It was so fuunnn. And it made my day so much better. My roommate, the Balletfriend, was so annoyed bc she used to be bestfriends with R and she's feeling replaced by me and J. But what can I do? Honestly, I don't think it's my problem. They had problems even before I moved here.
Now back to this Thursday. We chilled in our room and when our teacher knocked on the door we had to hide in bathroom. We felt really badass. And then J went to her room to get a torch. At 12 the mission was to get into K's room. Which way more difficult. Because the boys' rooms were a floor above us, and it was dark. But we managed complete the mission. First it was awkward because we were the 2 only girls, among 4 boys. And everyone was in their "pyjamas". Well let's say less clothed than usual. But I realised how much more confident I've actually become now. I didn't feel insecure at all, and I was only wearing shorts and a croptop. That's quite a change on my level of confidence. But I couldn't say I was as confident as before when the girls joined. So boys don't make me nervous, girls do. That's something I've just learnt about myself.
It was so nice. Just talking and group cuddles. We almost got caught twice, but our luck I didn't burst out laughing. Then at 3am we sneaked down again to sleep. And of course my Balletfriend was grumpy in the morning, and didn't like that we had been in K's room so late and dressed like "that".
I think I've told you all have for now. So byyyyyyyyyyyye!
-A
I had something important to tell you when I was typing in the url, but know I forgot. Well, I miss you. J said she missed you too, even tho she never knew you. I thought this year, I would be able to get over the fact that the one that I used to come running to whenever just the tiniest bit was wrong was gone. But I can't accept it. It's not fair that so many idiots are alive, while you aren't. Why did this happen? Probably because you deserve heaven more than anyone, but why did it happen like that? Have I sinned or something? Since I'm the one who is most affected by it. Of course your sister was hurt too, but she found her love. I'm really happy her, and I wish I had been to the wedding. But school, and I also think it would be emotionally hard for your sis and I. Even tho she understands me know, I still don't think the hatred for me deep inside her will ever disappear.
Back to life.
I have already been more social than I've been the past 2 years. I think it's a great change. But I still dislike a lot of people. Even ones I talk with. I'll give you an update on people I'll eventually talk about:
KJ- He's a new guy in my class. The only guy from my class I can get along with, well there's actually one more but he's one of the popular kids. So it doesn't really work out. Now back to K. I started out thinking he was okay, but then he was apparently (I don't know exactly what happened) was a dick to my Ballet-friend. It's something about her liking him, and he acted like it was mutual. At the same time he flirted with some other girls. And then his attitude was like "Idc if you call me a player, I just wanna get to know every girl on this year". And he told everyone that he was the one who dumped her, while it actually was her who dumped him. But anyways I thought that it wouldn't be fair to judge him completely.He really is arrogant and kinda annoying. But he's really nice to me and J, so he's accepted in the lil crew, now that we've lost three members (E, R and Mg). I'm really a straight forward person, so I've already told him that I think he's annoying but I'm annoying too. So that's the reason I think we could get along. Oh and one more thing that makes him a good friend. He got soft hair. I used the whole journey from Paris to home, on stroking his hair. Didn't even care if he was asleep or not. He seemed to enjoy so I think it was fine.
Az- New girl in my class. She's really beautiful. Loves Mickey and Dance. It says it all? Doesn't it? She's like a soulfriend. She's funny the weird way as well. At first when I saw her, I thought she was one of the popular kids bc soooooo beautiful. She has started to hang out with some people I dislike, but they haven't started to dislike me yet so I guess it's fine.
L- New girl in K's class. She's so funny and nice and sweet. We have some common obsessions like dance, Disney and Dance academy. She's really weird the good way too. Even tho Az is prettier, I think I like L better. Because she likes me as well. (no homo, just here)
I think it's enough people for now. I remember why I came here at first now. You're the only one who want to listen to all my bullshit.So thank you very much. Don't think I'm done yet. I got a few memories from the Paris trip that I'd like to tell you about.
I had to share room with the Balletfriend. She's so girly, and so " miss-everything-have-to-be-perfect-bc-I'm-daddy's-little-girl"-type. Which annoys the shit out of me, but I survived 5 days. So where is the applause? Thank you. From our room we could see some of the other kids' rooms. It was fun until one of the boys decided to get ready for be. So he just.....oops got distracted by something else. Back to the matter. so he just forgot that their curtains were open and started stripping down. We were like omg kill me. The funny thing is we couldn't see who any of the kids were, beside that it was someone from our year. And then the next morning this dude said " did you like what you saw" and we all died of laughter.
Someone knocked on the door. I'll be back later. Finally back.
Hmm...what to tell about now? Ooh I can tell you about the night adventures in the scary hotel. So it was a really....oh sorry got distracted again by new photos posted on Fb from the trip. Yeah right, the hotel was quite strict. So we weren't allowed to visit each other as at all. So this one night, I think it was Thursday night. J sneaked into my room....
Oh wait I got another story before that. Tuesday night we had a groupcall with R on Skype. It was so fuunnn. And it made my day so much better. My roommate, the Balletfriend, was so annoyed bc she used to be bestfriends with R and she's feeling replaced by me and J. But what can I do? Honestly, I don't think it's my problem. They had problems even before I moved here.
Now back to this Thursday. We chilled in our room and when our teacher knocked on the door we had to hide in bathroom. We felt really badass. And then J went to her room to get a torch. At 12 the mission was to get into K's room. Which way more difficult. Because the boys' rooms were a floor above us, and it was dark. But we managed complete the mission. First it was awkward because we were the 2 only girls, among 4 boys. And everyone was in their "pyjamas". Well let's say less clothed than usual. But I realised how much more confident I've actually become now. I didn't feel insecure at all, and I was only wearing shorts and a croptop. That's quite a change on my level of confidence. But I couldn't say I was as confident as before when the girls joined. So boys don't make me nervous, girls do. That's something I've just learnt about myself.
It was so nice. Just talking and group cuddles. We almost got caught twice, but our luck I didn't burst out laughing. Then at 3am we sneaked down again to sleep. And of course my Balletfriend was grumpy in the morning, and didn't like that we had been in K's room so late and dressed like "that".
I think I've told you all have for now. So byyyyyyyyyyyye!
-A
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Hello Alex,
I thought I would be able to handle this year without talking to you, but I need you. Because my thoughts are sick. Well they really aren't but for average people they are. I don't want to eat anymore, but I stil get hungry. It needs to stop, the hunger. I'm not getting an ED, I just want to be a bit thinner. I know my limit. I won't let it go too far like last time. I promise. I'm satisfied with my body, but I need to stop eating and do more exercise to be happy. You understand me.
Sincerly yours A
I thought I would be able to handle this year without talking to you, but I need you. Because my thoughts are sick. Well they really aren't but for average people they are. I don't want to eat anymore, but I stil get hungry. It needs to stop, the hunger. I'm not getting an ED, I just want to be a bit thinner. I know my limit. I won't let it go too far like last time. I promise. I'm satisfied with my body, but I need to stop eating and do more exercise to be happy. You understand me.
Sincerly yours A
Friday, June 28, 2013
Dear Alex,
The last days were nothing like I expected. I thought they'd be the saddest of this month, but they've been fine. R said see ya in the weekends after summer, so he won't forget about me just like that. E once again promised that he'll never stop talking with me. M hasn't been the one I've talked the most about here, but he is like a brother. Like you don't talk about problems with him, but just have fun. A lot of banter.
I'm leaving tomorrow morning to Dubai and then Sri Lanka. It's all gonna be great. I won't have WiFi anywhere so this is my last letter for the next month. I'm gonna miss you a lot, maybe I'll take a diary with me. Let's see!
Byyyyyyyye!
Love you!
A loooooooot!
The last days were nothing like I expected. I thought they'd be the saddest of this month, but they've been fine. R said see ya in the weekends after summer, so he won't forget about me just like that. E once again promised that he'll never stop talking with me. M hasn't been the one I've talked the most about here, but he is like a brother. Like you don't talk about problems with him, but just have fun. A lot of banter.
I'm leaving tomorrow morning to Dubai and then Sri Lanka. It's all gonna be great. I won't have WiFi anywhere so this is my last letter for the next month. I'm gonna miss you a lot, maybe I'll take a diary with me. Let's see!
Byyyyyyyye!
Love you!
A loooooooot!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Dear
All exams are done. Got a 12 and two 10's. I'm actually okay, with that. Three 12 would have been better, but I did what I could. Just got home from the skatepark. Met a guy I used to be in class with 2 years ago.
Now that I have nothing to get done, the emptiness is filling more and more. I wish I could be in some kinda rush all the time. A boarding school would be great, surrounded by young people all the time. I actually just need someone to talk to all the time.
Being an only child, I should've gotten used to it by now. But alone is never something for me. I'm currently ignoring all texts, because every single thing annoys me. Why can't all this just end?
Monday, June 24, 2013
Dear
The empty feeling is slowly killing me. I wish it'd just physically kill me, instead of causing all this mental pain. The funny thing, that isn't even funny, is that it's not here because of something bad happening. I should be happy. Good grade,, Holiday. Summer.
I can't even say it's because I'm feeling alone. I have a few amazing people around me, even tho the fact that some I cared about don't give a fuck about me. S,K, MC and E are the only ones I thikn won't leave me now.
You're probably wondering about J and M now. Well,J? She cares about me, but she also hurts me. I'm sure she will leave me, as soon as we finish 9th grade. Maybe we won't even be friends at the end of 9th. She's way too perfect. I feel like I'm the one who's stopping her from being one of the popular ones. M? I just can't talk to her about problems, she just makes me feel thousand times worse. Because she thinks the logical way, and talks about her experience with bullying. She just doesn't get the emotional part is different from human to human. I can hang out with her and have fun, just not have a real talk.And I'm still afraid that E forgetting me. He's promised a lot of times that he won't, and that it'd be a very unforgivable thing to do. But deep inside I just don't wanna trust too much.
Because that's exactly what I did with R, now see what happened. I still can't believe R changed just like that. But worst of all I still care about him. I'd still do anything to make sure he's alright. I'd still defend him. Because if it wasn't for this lil idiot, I wouldn't even be here.He's probably not even an idiot. Since when did my opinion on him change. This is probably just me trying to convince myself that he doesn't matter.
The worst is that this sounds like someone getting over a love. But I never liked him the romantic way. I just want you. So I thought the second best would do.But now here I am, completely lost in my own mind.This was exacty why I didn't talk to him the first year. I should've stayed that way.
The empty feeling is slowly killing me. I wish it'd just physically kill me, instead of causing all this mental pain. The funny thing, that isn't even funny, is that it's not here because of something bad happening. I should be happy. Good grade,, Holiday. Summer.
I can't even say it's because I'm feeling alone. I have a few amazing people around me, even tho the fact that some I cared about don't give a fuck about me. S,K, MC and E are the only ones I thikn won't leave me now.
You're probably wondering about J and M now. Well,J? She cares about me, but she also hurts me. I'm sure she will leave me, as soon as we finish 9th grade. Maybe we won't even be friends at the end of 9th. She's way too perfect. I feel like I'm the one who's stopping her from being one of the popular ones. M? I just can't talk to her about problems, she just makes me feel thousand times worse. Because she thinks the logical way, and talks about her experience with bullying. She just doesn't get the emotional part is different from human to human. I can hang out with her and have fun, just not have a real talk.And I'm still afraid that E forgetting me. He's promised a lot of times that he won't, and that it'd be a very unforgivable thing to do. But deep inside I just don't wanna trust too much.
Because that's exactly what I did with R, now see what happened. I still can't believe R changed just like that. But worst of all I still care about him. I'd still do anything to make sure he's alright. I'd still defend him. Because if it wasn't for this lil idiot, I wouldn't even be here.He's probably not even an idiot. Since when did my opinion on him change. This is probably just me trying to convince myself that he doesn't matter.
The worst is that this sounds like someone getting over a love. But I never liked him the romantic way. I just want you. So I thought the second best would do.But now here I am, completely lost in my own mind.This was exacty why I didn't talk to him the first year. I should've stayed that way.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Today was the last day of 8th grade. The day as a school day was amazing. We played games and so many people brought cake and stuff. J and I talked about how empty it was going to be. She only feels like 10% of what I feel tho. She's still going to see them in the weekends. They're the skaters.
Funny how I was the one who actually wanted to skate. But I ended up being banned from it by my parents.
Anyway after school I had to give R the jar with reasons to be happy. I waited until we were the only ones left. I was trying to talk, but suddenly it was like my mind went blank.I just stood there like an idiot, trying to talk and I actually think I said "omg, I don't know how to talk". And he was like "Oh come on, just say it." The fact that he sounded so irritated made me feel even worse. So I just found the jar in my bag, and said the most important thing. All I said was "Thank you". He was like "What? For what?". I didn't know what to say, so I said something along "For getting me through the past 2 years". He was just like "oh". My mind went crazy that moment. Because my voice was trembling and my eyes got teary. Even when I said thank you, I couldn't really look him in the eyes. So I hurried to leave.
Just as I turned away from him my eyes went crazy like a waterfall. It was quite embarrassing walking down the school road crying. But I couldn't. It was not like I was sobbing. The tears just streamed down my face, as it hit me that I'll probably never be his friend again.
As my eyes didn't have more water to pour out, I saw some girls from my class walking few meters away, so I walked with them home. I got home did some homework, and then decided to dance. I danced for like 4 hours, and then just sat there like a zombie. But after that my mind was better.
I don't care if I'll stay in touch with R or not. I've done what I should to thank him, and made it clear for him, that no matter how many years from now it is, he can always come to me. He owes me nothing. So it's easy. If he wants to he will, if he doesn't then alright.
Because you can only have friendship if it's 2-sided. Like E said he'll stay in touch, which I didn't expect from him. So as long as he wants to I'll keep in touch. But this maybe kinda shows that sometimes you can focus on one person too much, that you forget the other people around.
Funny how I was the one who actually wanted to skate. But I ended up being banned from it by my parents.
Anyway after school I had to give R the jar with reasons to be happy. I waited until we were the only ones left. I was trying to talk, but suddenly it was like my mind went blank.I just stood there like an idiot, trying to talk and I actually think I said "omg, I don't know how to talk". And he was like "Oh come on, just say it." The fact that he sounded so irritated made me feel even worse. So I just found the jar in my bag, and said the most important thing. All I said was "Thank you". He was like "What? For what?". I didn't know what to say, so I said something along "For getting me through the past 2 years". He was just like "oh". My mind went crazy that moment. Because my voice was trembling and my eyes got teary. Even when I said thank you, I couldn't really look him in the eyes. So I hurried to leave.
Just as I turned away from him my eyes went crazy like a waterfall. It was quite embarrassing walking down the school road crying. But I couldn't. It was not like I was sobbing. The tears just streamed down my face, as it hit me that I'll probably never be his friend again.
As my eyes didn't have more water to pour out, I saw some girls from my class walking few meters away, so I walked with them home. I got home did some homework, and then decided to dance. I danced for like 4 hours, and then just sat there like a zombie. But after that my mind was better.
I don't care if I'll stay in touch with R or not. I've done what I should to thank him, and made it clear for him, that no matter how many years from now it is, he can always come to me. He owes me nothing. So it's easy. If he wants to he will, if he doesn't then alright.
Because you can only have friendship if it's 2-sided. Like E said he'll stay in touch, which I didn't expect from him. So as long as he wants to I'll keep in touch. But this maybe kinda shows that sometimes you can focus on one person too much, that you forget the other people around.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I feel like shit, and I've been feeling this way the past week. E was nice, and is still trying to help me. But I'm again in the situation where you are the only one who can put me in a better mood. Yet somehow my mind goes all positive when I'm in school with a few attacks of anxiety. But as soon as I'm out, my mind goes on torture-mode. I have this feeling,where I really need someone to talk with. But that someone has to be YOU. Nobody else makes me feel free.
Well, R does as well. But it's hard to talk with him. Because his face automatically brings happiness. So instead of actually talking about the things that worry me, I'll automatically be put in a good mood. Which is actually a good thing. But as soon as he's not around the thoughts come back.
Tomorrow is the last day of being in same class as R,E and M. Gonna miss those guys a lot. It's sad, how I always get close to people just before they leave. R is my life. E is the nicest guy on earth. And yeah, I'm not very close to M, but he's fun. It's gonna be so empty in class next year.
Well, R does as well. But it's hard to talk with him. Because his face automatically brings happiness. So instead of actually talking about the things that worry me, I'll automatically be put in a good mood. Which is actually a good thing. But as soon as he's not around the thoughts come back.
Tomorrow is the last day of being in same class as R,E and M. Gonna miss those guys a lot. It's sad, how I always get close to people just before they leave. R is my life. E is the nicest guy on earth. And yeah, I'm not very close to M, but he's fun. It's gonna be so empty in class next year.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I missed you. The weekend was packed with parties, so it was fun. It was really nice to meet up with people you haven't seen for a while. E promised to never forget me. He fucking promised it. I'm glad that at least someone won't forget me. Yesterday I was seriously getting to a bad stage. I was thinking about suicide, but realized I would never be able to do it. So instead of doing any harm, I trained dancing or 5 hours straight. No break or water. It hurt a lot, because my ankle is injured from a dance class. But it didn't matter. Dance is my way to express myself. I know I use drawing and writing a lot. But I don't feel like it shows my pain, but dance does. And that's what I need.
Friday, June 7, 2013
So today is gonna be pretty great. There is this party today, and a lot of people I know will be there. R,M,J,E and I are going to hang out before the party too. They're going to skate and asked me to hang out too, so I'm going. I still wish I could skate. I feel like an outsider, not being able to skate. They've got some new stuff, and I'd wish I could join them. Just one smoke. But something inside me is telling me no. I still do it, but just not with them.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
You're probably one of the poor people who'll understand me, when i say this. I hate my body. It's not because I wanna be thinner,thicker,curvier, smaller or taller. Because I know none of this will make me more beautiful. And I've just recovered from my ED, even tho I still relapse, but it doesn't happen often at all. Even tho I've stopped starving and purging, the hate I have for my body hasn't stopped at all. Yesterday and this morning, I actually felt quite good about my legs. My legs are usually the part I hate the most. But my calf muscles are getting more toned now, so I actually like my legs for once. But on the other side, I've forgot to do my sit-ups the past two weeks because of all exam stress so now my stomach is fat again. It's annoying me, so I'll change it. But it's annoying having such a big hate towards yourself.
Today my dad bought me two sweaters for doing better in school for some reason. They're nice and cute but by just looking at them, I could say they didn't fit me. Even tho they were both M. But they wanted me to try them on, and I couldn't say no because my dad is easily hurt. I got into my room and took off my clothes. The mirror didn't used to be a problem for me. But when I looked in I could only see this too fat, ugly and weird-looking girl. I tried hard to get it out of my head, because I'm the one who usually wants people to see the beauty in everyone. But this time I couldn't. So I went away from the mirror put the first sweater on and went out to show them. I was trying hard to keep tears away. I then changed to the other one, and showed. Still trying not to cry.
Then I walked in my room and took it all off, and put on my usual stuff. Then I went to the bathroom,because that's the only place I can cry. I don't understand why this is happening again. This is not how I see myself. My mind is playing games with me. This is some kinda nightmare I can't get out of.
I don't understand why this is happening right before a party.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
My urge to cut is really big right now. I need to punish myself, because what I did was wrong. But I can't find my blades. I'm not okay. This is not fair. I've been clean for too long now... It's okay to give up now. But I can't fucking find my blades...I can't do it with something else.
I'm not even in the mood to talk with someone about it. Because I'm ridiculous. I'm crazy. What is this
I'm not even in the mood to talk with someone about it. Because I'm ridiculous. I'm crazy. What is this
I ran 5K today. I'm so proud of my fat body, for not giving up. Maybe being thin isn't really my goal? Well, actually it never was. Because back in time, when I was hospitalized I was actually really thin. But it didn't make me feel more beautiful. I don't look good no matter what. I'll never really happy, until the day that I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I see.
From what I know about me, it's like nothing is good enough for me. I just don't understand why I am this way. I always feel too fat or too skinny, I don't even know how that's possible.
From what I know about me, it's like nothing is good enough for me. I just don't understand why I am this way. I always feel too fat or too skinny, I don't even know how that's possible.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Just as I convinced myself that even tho, I don't wanna stay alive I should do it at least for my education. Because that's the only good part bout my life. It all falls apart. Every single thing that have been my reason to live for, has been ripped into tiny pieces by my dear parents. Do I hate? No,but do I hate that they brought me to this world? Hell yes. The thing I've never wanted life. I'm not living, i'm just trying to survive.
Now that everything is gone, what is my attitude supposed to be? If I still was the old me, the answer would be easy. Suicide. But I'm not like that anymore or at least no right now.So what should I do? I've lost interest in everything. I'm just gonna do whatever they say, turn my own mind off.
Isn't this what a zombie is like? A body with no soul, but still walking around. Wonder how many there are of us?
Now that everything is gone, what is my attitude supposed to be? If I still was the old me, the answer would be easy. Suicide. But I'm not like that anymore or at least no right now.So what should I do? I've lost interest in everything. I'm just gonna do whatever they say, turn my own mind off.
Isn't this what a zombie is like? A body with no soul, but still walking around. Wonder how many there are of us?
It suddenly strikes my mind, how everything is actually going down hill now. But I'm just being happy about the small things. Or am I? Isn't this just me, trying to distract myself. but how long will I be able to do this? Is this even fair against myself? Haven't I just made it all a mess,pretending to be happy. Or was I actually happy?
I don't trust anyone or anything anymore, or do I? How come I tell someone about my secrets if I don't trust? but why don't I tell them everything if I do trust them?
When people tell you that you can text them anytime you need them, do they actually mean it? or are they just trying to be nice? Do they actually care? Or are they just looking for something to relate to? Just in case, they actually meant it. How do you start talking to them? Like what do you say? Can I just text them "I'm feeling bad, and I need you"? How can I get to the matter otherwise?
Even in real life, I don't know how to ask for help. When I used to have these panic/anxiety-attacks it was much easier to get help, because people would notice when you were shaking really bad. But what do I do when it's like this? I'm too good at pretending I'm okay, when I walk out of the house I automatically put on this smile. Because I know seeing me down triggers J, and I can't have her relapsing, she's doing so good now.
I don't trust anyone or anything anymore, or do I? How come I tell someone about my secrets if I don't trust? but why don't I tell them everything if I do trust them?
When people tell you that you can text them anytime you need them, do they actually mean it? or are they just trying to be nice? Do they actually care? Or are they just looking for something to relate to? Just in case, they actually meant it. How do you start talking to them? Like what do you say? Can I just text them "I'm feeling bad, and I need you"? How can I get to the matter otherwise?
Even in real life, I don't know how to ask for help. When I used to have these panic/anxiety-attacks it was much easier to get help, because people would notice when you were shaking really bad. But what do I do when it's like this? I'm too good at pretending I'm okay, when I walk out of the house I automatically put on this smile. Because I know seeing me down triggers J, and I can't have her relapsing, she's doing so good now.
Friday, May 31, 2013
I told E about you today. He was really nice about it, and said that i could text him any time. He's now added to my list of fave people, well he's been on there for a while now.
R has a girlfriend, or that's what it sounded like. Her name is Sarah/Sara, I think. Since hearing that I felt like a brick had been thrown in my face. I don't really know why tho, because I'm not jealous. I'm happy for him if it's true. I hope they're both happy. It's a long distance relationship, so I kind of believe in it. I feel like he's slipping away from me, not that he's ever been mine. But I never wanted him that way.
But I just don't like thought of not knowing him anymore in the future. Like he'll be one of my best memories about this school, but he probably won't even remember me. I'm afraid, I don't want this to happen. I just can't take it. I owe him a lot, and I'll never be able to pay him back. The only way I can pay him back is by being there for him, but I think our friendship will just fade away.
So just to give him a tiny reason to remember me, I'm giving him this jar of reasons to smile. I'm gonna fill it up with small compliments and hope it'll help him in the darkest times. And in the inside of the jar, I've taped a note. That says in "Emergency number for sadness: ********" (my number). I'm gonna make a long chain of the compliments, so every time he feels sad he can open a message. And the last message will be "Call me, I promise to listen. It's the least I can do."
Because that way I won't be sad if he never calls me, I'll just be like "Well, that probably means he's happy".
On the other hand I think keeping in touch with E will be easier. Talking/Chatting with him daily makes me happy. He's always nice, and supportive. He's an amazing guy.
-A
R has a girlfriend, or that's what it sounded like. Her name is Sarah/Sara, I think. Since hearing that I felt like a brick had been thrown in my face. I don't really know why tho, because I'm not jealous. I'm happy for him if it's true. I hope they're both happy. It's a long distance relationship, so I kind of believe in it. I feel like he's slipping away from me, not that he's ever been mine. But I never wanted him that way.
But I just don't like thought of not knowing him anymore in the future. Like he'll be one of my best memories about this school, but he probably won't even remember me. I'm afraid, I don't want this to happen. I just can't take it. I owe him a lot, and I'll never be able to pay him back. The only way I can pay him back is by being there for him, but I think our friendship will just fade away.
So just to give him a tiny reason to remember me, I'm giving him this jar of reasons to smile. I'm gonna fill it up with small compliments and hope it'll help him in the darkest times. And in the inside of the jar, I've taped a note. That says in "Emergency number for sadness: ********" (my number). I'm gonna make a long chain of the compliments, so every time he feels sad he can open a message. And the last message will be "Call me, I promise to listen. It's the least I can do."
Because that way I won't be sad if he never calls me, I'll just be like "Well, that probably means he's happy".
On the other hand I think keeping in touch with E will be easier. Talking/Chatting with him daily makes me happy. He's always nice, and supportive. He's an amazing guy.
-A
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Sorry, that I haven't written anything to you lately. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you. I actually got reminded of that night a few days ago. It was horrible because it felt like all over again. My friend Dan suddenly DMed, after so long that he needed my help. And of course , I said yes. He needed to find out if his gf was still alive. The thing is he lives in UK and she lives in Canada. I checked all her accounts and everything said last activity was the night before. My panic attacks started again. I felt like shit for not being able to know if she's alive or not. I said I'd help as much as possible, and let him know when I found out. So I finally found her Tumblr and send her an ask. I couldn't sleep all night, because it felt like I was back in time.
Like when you left. I remember Skyping with you until 4pm, and then you had to leave. Oh, I remember you left because I asked you to get me a pic of the new piece Jackie did and because you hadn't skated much today. You told me you'll be back by 7pm. But you never came. I sent you a message and waited. I waited and I'm still waiting. And by 11pm Jackie sent me a message about what happened. I remember telling her that she shouldn't make such a sick joke. Weeks after, and even months after I checked my Skype just hoping that it was a stupid sick prank. But after talking to Jackie on the phone, it became clear. I was just trying to convince myself you were still there, and just ignoring me. Because I'd rather have you to ignore me, than losing you.
Because of my memories, I worried about someone i don't even know. But in the next days she answered. And she was really mean. Like I wanted to slap myself for caring about her. I told Dan, but then he said " Don't say that about her, you know I love her...what did she say?" What I wanted to answer was just because you love her, doesn't make everything she does right. I wasn't even trying to come between you 2. If I wanted to I'd do it in the start. I don't deserve to feel bad for caring about a stranger...but I just said, that it doesn't matter and that I'm sorry
Like when you left. I remember Skyping with you until 4pm, and then you had to leave. Oh, I remember you left because I asked you to get me a pic of the new piece Jackie did and because you hadn't skated much today. You told me you'll be back by 7pm. But you never came. I sent you a message and waited. I waited and I'm still waiting. And by 11pm Jackie sent me a message about what happened. I remember telling her that she shouldn't make such a sick joke. Weeks after, and even months after I checked my Skype just hoping that it was a stupid sick prank. But after talking to Jackie on the phone, it became clear. I was just trying to convince myself you were still there, and just ignoring me. Because I'd rather have you to ignore me, than losing you.
Because of my memories, I worried about someone i don't even know. But in the next days she answered. And she was really mean. Like I wanted to slap myself for caring about her. I told Dan, but then he said " Don't say that about her, you know I love her...what did she say?" What I wanted to answer was just because you love her, doesn't make everything she does right. I wasn't even trying to come between you 2. If I wanted to I'd do it in the start. I don't deserve to feel bad for caring about a stranger...but I just said, that it doesn't matter and that I'm sorry
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thank God, I can finally type normally again. Or should I say thank you? Because I actually don't believe in God. But I do believe in you.
Have you heard Nightingale by Demi Lovato? It's beautiful, well most of her new song are amazing. I was reading the story behind it yesterday, because she mentioned in a video that it's written for her best friend who passed away some years ago. So it made me curious, so I tried to find the whole thing. I found a post on Tumblr. I was really crying while reading it. Because it was so relatable. It was comforting knowing I'm not alone with this type of story, but yet it was heartbreaking. Because when it's me I feel like it's my own fault, but seeing other people having the same troubles makes you realize none of us deserve it.
I've been talking with E lately. He's nice. He's a weird kid like the rest of us. I never thought I'd be friend with him. He just seemed too silent, but I was the like that too before. So you can't really tell how people are by that. Because I know a lot of people who assumed that I was either an "Emo" or "Gangster". But when they started talking to me, they probably realized they were wrong.
Have you heard Nightingale by Demi Lovato? It's beautiful, well most of her new song are amazing. I was reading the story behind it yesterday, because she mentioned in a video that it's written for her best friend who passed away some years ago. So it made me curious, so I tried to find the whole thing. I found a post on Tumblr. I was really crying while reading it. Because it was so relatable. It was comforting knowing I'm not alone with this type of story, but yet it was heartbreaking. Because when it's me I feel like it's my own fault, but seeing other people having the same troubles makes you realize none of us deserve it.
I've been talking with E lately. He's nice. He's a weird kid like the rest of us. I never thought I'd be friend with him. He just seemed too silent, but I was the like that too before. So you can't really tell how people are by that. Because I know a lot of people who assumed that I was either an "Emo" or "Gangster". But when they started talking to me, they probably realized they were wrong.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Dear Alex,
you know I've been waiting for a change for too long. I'e waited for everything to get better for too long. I had this really emotionless time, and then the really sad one. Then I was really happy for no reason. And now. I don't feel anything. I just feel that I have to make a change. Because sitting and waiting for something to happen is boring.
I'm going back to being vegetarian first of all. Because being vegetarian keeps me eating disorder away from me. I'm gonna try nice to people, but also more honest. So next I time something pisses me off I won't leave the room to go get get my anger out by hurting myself. Next time, I'll tell them to shut the fuck up, because it isn't my fault.
I'm done with being afraid of doing something. If I feel like it, I'll go for it. Because living for pleasing everybody else, won't make my life worth.
you know I've been waiting for a change for too long. I'e waited for everything to get better for too long. I had this really emotionless time, and then the really sad one. Then I was really happy for no reason. And now. I don't feel anything. I just feel that I have to make a change. Because sitting and waiting for something to happen is boring.
I'm going back to being vegetarian first of all. Because being vegetarian keeps me eating disorder away from me. I'm gonna try nice to people, but also more honest. So next I time something pisses me off I won't leave the room to go get get my anger out by hurting myself. Next time, I'll tell them to shut the fuck up, because it isn't my fault.
I'm done with being afraid of doing something. If I feel like it, I'll go for it. Because living for pleasing everybody else, won't make my life worth.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I've always been a straight A* student in Tamil. But I got a B last year so my mum is freaking out about how i have to put myself together and get at my level again.B is good enough? Noo, it's really bad compared to what I usually get. To make it even worse I went from 100/100 to a B. On top of this shit, I just got the work from the month I was hospitalized beck in November from my physics teacher. So I have a lot to study. Tamil is the hardest language yet so beautiful. Seriously?! People expect too much from me. I'm the only one who is going to have to finish the whole Tamil education thing bc people want me to teach in the school after.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Dear Alex,
I really can't be arsed with lazy people who constantly complain but never do anything about it. They just kill all the positive vibes, you've slowly built up. You try so hard to keep up the positveness even tho you're dying inside but they just destroy it.But sadly one of those people is my friend. It annoys me a lot, and her talking is really triggering. To be honest it annoys me too. I try so hard to recover, but no. Can't do anything about it.
-A
I really can't be arsed with lazy people who constantly complain but never do anything about it. They just kill all the positive vibes, you've slowly built up. You try so hard to keep up the positveness even tho you're dying inside but they just destroy it.But sadly one of those people is my friend. It annoys me a lot, and her talking is really triggering. To be honest it annoys me too. I try so hard to recover, but no. Can't do anything about it.
-A
Dear Alex,
Today have been alright so far. Currently in history class, boring as hell. R is feeling better today, so that's good. Today have been one of those great days. I was like really hyper last night, but it's not that bad today. So yeah, not much to say. Well, I wish I was a skater. Because going down to the skatepark without is really awkward. And I think the skaters judge a loooooooooot. I really need some new pics for my other photoblog, but the only thing I'm interested in photographin is streetart, kids or skaters. So yeah, not much to do about it. I'll talk later, when I have more to say
byyyyyye!
-A
Today have been alright so far. Currently in history class, boring as hell. R is feeling better today, so that's good. Today have been one of those great days. I was like really hyper last night, but it's not that bad today. So yeah, not much to say. Well, I wish I was a skater. Because going down to the skatepark without is really awkward. And I think the skaters judge a loooooooooot. I really need some new pics for my other photoblog, but the only thing I'm interested in photographin is streetart, kids or skaters. So yeah, not much to do about it. I'll talk later, when I have more to say
byyyyyye!
-A
Thursday, May 16, 2013
R has broken his arm. I feel guilty. I had a bad feeling before, but I didn't check on him. Actually I stopped checking on him weeks go, because I'm a selfish idiot. Why do I ever put myself before people? I hope he's ok. Maybe I should text him? But I don't know what.
Just so angry at myself right now.
Just so angry at myself right now.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Dear Alex,
So first of all, if Blogspot was an app, life would be soooo much easier!
Well, today I survived aha. One "attack", no reason. All of the other times it was my mind. It was me thinking about too much sad shit at once. But today's "attack" wasn't like that. It was more physically. Like I felt like my head squeezed ( or something) and that I was running out of air. J was sitting next to me. She asked me what was happening, and what I was thinking about. But I couldn't answer. I suddenly kinda felt like anything I did then the whole world would judge me. So I didn't even leave the class. But then I decided to help myself. I tried to just ignore and keep the work going, but I couldn't. Then I focused on J's breathing. I think she noticed that it helped, because I don't think people normally breathe so slow and loud (wrong word,i think).After couple of minutes I got it all under control.
Social studies went better than usual. I talked more, and according to my teacher that's good. Because apparently I have to potential, but I have to show it more. It's funny how I'm usually on top after one of those "attacks". It's like when they take it all away from me, and remind me to only keep the positive energy.
Our math teacher wasn't there today so we had this other guy. He's quite young, and most of the girls in my class think that he's hot as hell but that he's annoying. Tbh, his looks are alright but omg love his personality. He's really fun and cheeky. I don't think I've laughed so much since forever.
In German we had to do a presentation about breakfast. Which is really wierd, but our teacher loved my group's presentation, even tho we were 2 weeks late.....oops
Hung out with K after school. It was fun to talk with her after a week or something. I love how wierd we can be together. Yes, wierd. I'm not gonna change the way I spell it.
I'm afraid of ruining my body with bulimia. But it's the only thing that makes me feel good. Today I ate one bite of a bun for breakfast, 2 pieces of bread for lunch (which I planned on purging, but the school toilets were crowded and J wouldn't leave me alone), Ice Cream on the way to K. After not purging those 2 things I felt disgusting, like how do I dare put unneeded fat on my body. So we were at this European Market, where they had all these delicious things. They'd make a good binge, but I didn't buy anything. Then we went to her home again and chilled with our wierd minds.
But when I got home I was hungry as f. So I a portion of PastaSalad and then 3 pieces of bread with egg, potatoes and tomato. Then I went for a shower. And got it all out. But I'm not sure if it's all out.
It annoys how i can never be sure if it's all out. And that if i wait too long I can't get anything up.
So I feel really empty now. I miss those times like last year Oct-Nov. Like I didn't eat anything at all, but it never made me feel hungry. Just a couple of weeks more and I'll be fine again.
I'm hungry but don't know what to do. Plus I have to do my outline about Body Image tonight....how ironic
-A
So first of all, if Blogspot was an app, life would be soooo much easier!
Well, today I survived aha. One "attack", no reason. All of the other times it was my mind. It was me thinking about too much sad shit at once. But today's "attack" wasn't like that. It was more physically. Like I felt like my head squeezed ( or something) and that I was running out of air. J was sitting next to me. She asked me what was happening, and what I was thinking about. But I couldn't answer. I suddenly kinda felt like anything I did then the whole world would judge me. So I didn't even leave the class. But then I decided to help myself. I tried to just ignore and keep the work going, but I couldn't. Then I focused on J's breathing. I think she noticed that it helped, because I don't think people normally breathe so slow and loud (wrong word,i think).After couple of minutes I got it all under control.
Social studies went better than usual. I talked more, and according to my teacher that's good. Because apparently I have to potential, but I have to show it more. It's funny how I'm usually on top after one of those "attacks". It's like when they take it all away from me, and remind me to only keep the positive energy.
Our math teacher wasn't there today so we had this other guy. He's quite young, and most of the girls in my class think that he's hot as hell but that he's annoying. Tbh, his looks are alright but omg love his personality. He's really fun and cheeky. I don't think I've laughed so much since forever.
In German we had to do a presentation about breakfast. Which is really wierd, but our teacher loved my group's presentation, even tho we were 2 weeks late.....oops
Hung out with K after school. It was fun to talk with her after a week or something. I love how wierd we can be together. Yes, wierd. I'm not gonna change the way I spell it.
I'm afraid of ruining my body with bulimia. But it's the only thing that makes me feel good. Today I ate one bite of a bun for breakfast, 2 pieces of bread for lunch (which I planned on purging, but the school toilets were crowded and J wouldn't leave me alone), Ice Cream on the way to K. After not purging those 2 things I felt disgusting, like how do I dare put unneeded fat on my body. So we were at this European Market, where they had all these delicious things. They'd make a good binge, but I didn't buy anything. Then we went to her home again and chilled with our wierd minds.
But when I got home I was hungry as f. So I a portion of PastaSalad and then 3 pieces of bread with egg, potatoes and tomato. Then I went for a shower. And got it all out. But I'm not sure if it's all out.
It annoys how i can never be sure if it's all out. And that if i wait too long I can't get anything up.
So I feel really empty now. I miss those times like last year Oct-Nov. Like I didn't eat anything at all, but it never made me feel hungry. Just a couple of weeks more and I'll be fine again.
I'm hungry but don't know what to do. Plus I have to do my outline about Body Image tonight....how ironic
-A
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Dear Alex,
I was at school today. It was fine. But something bothers me but I just don't know what. I don't really talk to R that much anymore, maybe that's the thing. But at least I got a new friend E. Pretty sure I told you about him before. He's really really nice, and he plays the guitar. I love walking home with him.
One of my classmates asked me what i was doing. To be exact "What,girl? Playing around with boys like crazy. Doing boys from the same group of friends isn't really good"
Me? Playing around with boys? Huh?
Some people don't understand that hanging out with people are the only thing that helps me right now. I could hang out with girls, but they talk too much.
P.E was really fun today. I had a water-fight with J. It was awesome, until someone shouted "C'mon boys, wet t-shirt comp"
Went to get McDonalds today. But just after I bought it I felt really guilty. I was trying hard to fight the thoughts, but lost battle :(
Binge and purge all over again. Just got out of shower. I'm really afraid that my mum discovers anything. But one thing, McFlurry on empty tummy is the best! Skinny feels? I'll get them.
-A
I was at school today. It was fine. But something bothers me but I just don't know what. I don't really talk to R that much anymore, maybe that's the thing. But at least I got a new friend E. Pretty sure I told you about him before. He's really really nice, and he plays the guitar. I love walking home with him.
One of my classmates asked me what i was doing. To be exact "What,girl? Playing around with boys like crazy. Doing boys from the same group of friends isn't really good"
Me? Playing around with boys? Huh?
Some people don't understand that hanging out with people are the only thing that helps me right now. I could hang out with girls, but they talk too much.
P.E was really fun today. I had a water-fight with J. It was awesome, until someone shouted "C'mon boys, wet t-shirt comp"
Went to get McDonalds today. But just after I bought it I felt really guilty. I was trying hard to fight the thoughts, but lost battle :(
Binge and purge all over again. Just got out of shower. I'm really afraid that my mum discovers anything. But one thing, McFlurry on empty tummy is the best! Skinny feels? I'll get them.
-A
Monday, May 13, 2013
Dear Alex,
I went to the doctor today. I was almost crying. I couldn't even say anything, I just nodded to everything. He said it's some kind of anxiety. Since I have this huge hate for therapists, he said I don't have to go to one for now. He told me to talk about it with someone I know, and just force the positive thoughts. Right now, I need you more than anything. I don't feel like talking with anyone. I only want to talk with you. My parents told me that I can hang out with whoever I want to, if I promised to talk with someone. But there is absolutely nobody I want to talk with. Well, maybe this one person. But I don't really think I can.
If I don't get better in the next 2-3 weeks, I'll have to talk with a therapist. The worst thing about this, is that I can't concentrate. I really need to finish the stuff for my exams. But I just can't.
I went to the doctor today. I was almost crying. I couldn't even say anything, I just nodded to everything. He said it's some kind of anxiety. Since I have this huge hate for therapists, he said I don't have to go to one for now. He told me to talk about it with someone I know, and just force the positive thoughts. Right now, I need you more than anything. I don't feel like talking with anyone. I only want to talk with you. My parents told me that I can hang out with whoever I want to, if I promised to talk with someone. But there is absolutely nobody I want to talk with. Well, maybe this one person. But I don't really think I can.
If I don't get better in the next 2-3 weeks, I'll have to talk with a therapist. The worst thing about this, is that I can't concentrate. I really need to finish the stuff for my exams. But I just can't.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Dear Alex,
The past days have been really hard. I'm not the strong person I used to be anymore. I break down crying about the smallest thing. I used to rant about my reason to be sad to people but I don't anymore. Just the tiniest suspicious noises scare me. I feel like someone is trying to choke me, and like my head is being crushed.
My parents have noticed, so they said we're going to the doctor. I don't really know how I feel about it.
No matter how many times I've said music is my escape. I think this time is for real. Because the only time I feel safe, is when I have my headphones on and the volume is on the loudest. I haven't been able to do any of my homework,and I'm so worried. Because my oral exam stuff have to be ready soon.
The past days have been really hard. I'm not the strong person I used to be anymore. I break down crying about the smallest thing. I used to rant about my reason to be sad to people but I don't anymore. Just the tiniest suspicious noises scare me. I feel like someone is trying to choke me, and like my head is being crushed.
My parents have noticed, so they said we're going to the doctor. I don't really know how I feel about it.
No matter how many times I've said music is my escape. I think this time is for real. Because the only time I feel safe, is when I have my headphones on and the volume is on the loudest. I haven't been able to do any of my homework,and I'm so worried. Because my oral exam stuff have to be ready soon.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Dear Alex,
So much has happened. Let's talk about yesterday.
So I went from school down to the theatre earlier than usual. Because it was the show day, we had lots of rehearsals. A kid asked me about my scars, I lied to her. It hurts to lie to kids. My "friend" noticed my face and asked me if I she could say something to me. I said no- but asked her again later on. She said it's your own fault. She has been through depression too, how can she say something like that. In that moment I swear, if she had said one more wrong thing she wouldn't have been able to dance.
But being the nice person I am, I told myself to chill. And I was ok with her again, even tho I still her those words. The thing about me is. When someone hurts me with words, I'll keep hearing those words in my head- They never stop. Hearing more and more, is making my head a mess.
An hour before the performance, I felt like something was wrong. It wasn't me or my body. But I just had a feeling that something was wrong. My mind said it couldn't be my parents or K. So I decided that I wanted to check on R and J as always. Skaters are the people you have to check on first.
Before I could get my phone, we had to be ready near stage. So I never checked. The performance was alright, but i could've done better if I wasn't upset.
When we got home after the show our door was broken. The rooms were messed up, and a lot of things were stolen. So basically, I have nice day that ends awful.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
I can't do this. I don't have the courage to do it. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid of tomorrow too tho, I don't wanna go to the doctor. I had stopped cutting, but I gave up today. I never cut so many places but it went crazy today. My full are both full covered, and my stomach. Plus 3 cuts on my wrist. What do I do???????
Dear Alex,
I hope that by tomorrow I'm with you again. Because I'm worth nothing in this world. My parents and a few others were the only reason I stayed here. My parents were the only ones I thought would never hurt me for real. But guess what? I'm apparently an ungrateful dog. Those words were the worst to hear from a father's mouth. But I don't hate him. Because I remember what you taught me. "No matter what happens, love your parents."
But yeah, I'm done
I hope that by tomorrow I'm with you again. Because I'm worth nothing in this world. My parents and a few others were the only reason I stayed here. My parents were the only ones I thought would never hurt me for real. But guess what? I'm apparently an ungrateful dog. Those words were the worst to hear from a father's mouth. But I don't hate him. Because I remember what you taught me. "No matter what happens, love your parents."
But yeah, I'm done
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Dear Alex,
So much have happened. So I'll try tell everything in the right order. I haven't been to school for the past 4 weeks or something because the teachers are having som problems with the government. I actually miss school. It probably sounds wierd, but I think this is good for me too. I used to kind of be addicted to check if R was online. Like I had to know he was alright all the time. But I'm more free now. I have been able to spend over 3 weeks worrying about him. I don't think it'll be as hard as I thought when he moves.
I just got home from London today. So much happened, well it happened ages ago but I just found out.
Your sister is finally alright about me. I don't think she hates me that much anymore. She gave me the letters you wrote to her and me. You know the letters in the last months? The ones you wrote before you realised life is worth living. But it didn't feel right. I felt like I took away something that belonged to her more than it belonged to me. But I got the recording from your entry to the talent show. It's beautiful. I missed hearing your voice.
I'm so happy for your sister, and I'm kind of sorry about your dad. Jackie didn't tell me anything about him, but her fiancé did. But I kind of understand your dad, it must be hard to live feeling guilty. Jackie said she didn't tell me because she couldn't care less about it.
Jackie and I spent one of the nights talking. Like we went to sleep at 7am. It was amazing to get some stuff cleared. There were some misunderstandings, but it's all fine now. She told me to stay strong, and that things will get better. I usually don't believe it when people tell me. But I believe her.
If she could do it. I can too.
Btw your sister's fiancé is awesome. He's a very sweet guy and lots of fun. They're perfect together. It's like God made them, just to find together. Their story is the cutest. They'd make a great family.
So much have happened. So I'll try tell everything in the right order. I haven't been to school for the past 4 weeks or something because the teachers are having som problems with the government. I actually miss school. It probably sounds wierd, but I think this is good for me too. I used to kind of be addicted to check if R was online. Like I had to know he was alright all the time. But I'm more free now. I have been able to spend over 3 weeks worrying about him. I don't think it'll be as hard as I thought when he moves.
I just got home from London today. So much happened, well it happened ages ago but I just found out.
Your sister is finally alright about me. I don't think she hates me that much anymore. She gave me the letters you wrote to her and me. You know the letters in the last months? The ones you wrote before you realised life is worth living. But it didn't feel right. I felt like I took away something that belonged to her more than it belonged to me. But I got the recording from your entry to the talent show. It's beautiful. I missed hearing your voice.
I'm so happy for your sister, and I'm kind of sorry about your dad. Jackie didn't tell me anything about him, but her fiancé did. But I kind of understand your dad, it must be hard to live feeling guilty. Jackie said she didn't tell me because she couldn't care less about it.
Jackie and I spent one of the nights talking. Like we went to sleep at 7am. It was amazing to get some stuff cleared. There were some misunderstandings, but it's all fine now. She told me to stay strong, and that things will get better. I usually don't believe it when people tell me. But I believe her.
If she could do it. I can too.
Btw your sister's fiancé is awesome. He's a very sweet guy and lots of fun. They're perfect together. It's like God made them, just to find together. Their story is the cutest. They'd make a great family.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Dear Alex,
They're back in my head. Well, I think they never left. I just got better at ignoring them. But it's getting hard again. I feel pressured. The worst thing is it's actually a problem. I need help, but I don't want it. All those people who tried to help me, just made me feel worse. Talking with you is relieving, but the thing is I don't just need someone who can listen I need someone who'll answer.But I can't expect anybody understand me. People are struggling with their own problems. I guess you don't have any problems now, so is it okay that I expect that you'll listen now?
First of all I think clearing out the voices, you know getting them defines will help me. I hear different things.
1. This one keeps repeating these words: Fat, ugly, worthless. It's some kinda basic. It just keeps going on.
2. This one keeps talking to me. Like it tells everything that can go wrong. Everything that went wrong in the past.
3. The last one. I don't know if this one makes me uncomfortable or not. It's your voice. It says something, but I'm never able to hear it clearly.
And of course my own mind. Sometimes it just makes me wanna rip my head off. I try as hard as I can to ignore it all. But it makes it hard for me to concentrate or even just be able to have normal convo. I often can't focus on what the people I'm talking with are saying.
My mum keeps yelling at me for forgetting things, and not answering when she's talking. I wish I could just tell her what's going on, but I don't wanna worry her. My dad has been kind of calm the past days.
-A
They're back in my head. Well, I think they never left. I just got better at ignoring them. But it's getting hard again. I feel pressured. The worst thing is it's actually a problem. I need help, but I don't want it. All those people who tried to help me, just made me feel worse. Talking with you is relieving, but the thing is I don't just need someone who can listen I need someone who'll answer.But I can't expect anybody understand me. People are struggling with their own problems. I guess you don't have any problems now, so is it okay that I expect that you'll listen now?
First of all I think clearing out the voices, you know getting them defines will help me. I hear different things.
1. This one keeps repeating these words: Fat, ugly, worthless. It's some kinda basic. It just keeps going on.
2. This one keeps talking to me. Like it tells everything that can go wrong. Everything that went wrong in the past.
3. The last one. I don't know if this one makes me uncomfortable or not. It's your voice. It says something, but I'm never able to hear it clearly.
And of course my own mind. Sometimes it just makes me wanna rip my head off. I try as hard as I can to ignore it all. But it makes it hard for me to concentrate or even just be able to have normal convo. I often can't focus on what the people I'm talking with are saying.
My mum keeps yelling at me for forgetting things, and not answering when she's talking. I wish I could just tell her what's going on, but I don't wanna worry her. My dad has been kind of calm the past days.
-A
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Dear Alex,
I need someone to cry out to. But I don't trust anyone. It's hard life. One minute, you think everything is fine and then the next second it isn't. I actually don't know what or how or why I feel anymore. I just wish I had at least one true friend. I'm not telling you my friends are fake. Well, some were but I know J,KM, K and R aren't. Or actually don't know about some of them. My definition of true friend has changed a lot. They're probably great friends, but it's me. I'm the one who can't be true.
Why am I like this? Lately I haven't had those horrible nightmares about the accident. I guess that's good, but my dreams involved R and his brother...
I want to die. I ask people to kill me so often. Imagine if one day they didn't joke, they actually killed me. That wouldn't be good. Because then they'd get in jail. Poor soul will be living a sad life. But I would be a free soul. I actually don't want to die anymore, when I think about. I used to wan to die, because then I could finally be with you. But that won't happen. I'm a sinner. The worst kind. I lie. I lie a lot. But I know why I do it. I have to lie to keep people around me believing I'm alright. But since I'm telling lies almost all the time, I have to keep it. So I can't just lie to one person, I have to do it to everyone. And sometimes when I'm lying about being alright, my brain is like "why just be alright? no, make people think you're happy. It'll make them happy to know that you're great. come on,A! It's just tiny lies to make people happy. Maybe you can even fool yourself into being happy"
But now I feel guilty. I shouldn't be telling lies. If I can't say I'm not ok, then I shouldn't say anything at all...
I'll delete every lie on this blog now. Just letting you know this the guy is not true.
KM: I know this is the second time I've lied. I'm really sorry. But it was kind of comforting. I didn't only lie to you, I fooled myself too. You can ask me anything and I'll answer truthfully tonight. You may be wondering why I'll only answer tonight.Well, you can ask me anytime. But tonight is the only time I'm completely sure, I won't have to tell any lies.
-A
I need someone to cry out to. But I don't trust anyone. It's hard life. One minute, you think everything is fine and then the next second it isn't. I actually don't know what or how or why I feel anymore. I just wish I had at least one true friend. I'm not telling you my friends are fake. Well, some were but I know J,KM, K and R aren't. Or actually don't know about some of them. My definition of true friend has changed a lot. They're probably great friends, but it's me. I'm the one who can't be true.
Why am I like this? Lately I haven't had those horrible nightmares about the accident. I guess that's good, but my dreams involved R and his brother...
I want to die. I ask people to kill me so often. Imagine if one day they didn't joke, they actually killed me. That wouldn't be good. Because then they'd get in jail. Poor soul will be living a sad life. But I would be a free soul. I actually don't want to die anymore, when I think about. I used to wan to die, because then I could finally be with you. But that won't happen. I'm a sinner. The worst kind. I lie. I lie a lot. But I know why I do it. I have to lie to keep people around me believing I'm alright. But since I'm telling lies almost all the time, I have to keep it. So I can't just lie to one person, I have to do it to everyone. And sometimes when I'm lying about being alright, my brain is like "why just be alright? no, make people think you're happy. It'll make them happy to know that you're great. come on,A! It's just tiny lies to make people happy. Maybe you can even fool yourself into being happy"
But now I feel guilty. I shouldn't be telling lies. If I can't say I'm not ok, then I shouldn't say anything at all...
I'll delete every lie on this blog now. Just letting you know this the guy is not true.
KM: I know this is the second time I've lied. I'm really sorry. But it was kind of comforting. I didn't only lie to you, I fooled myself too. You can ask me anything and I'll answer truthfully tonight. You may be wondering why I'll only answer tonight.Well, you can ask me anytime. But tonight is the only time I'm completely sure, I won't have to tell any lies.
-A
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Dear
Ballet class yesterday was great. When you see you can do better than some of the skinny girls, it makes you feel better. When I'm in class I feel worth. Just the tiny compliments from anyone about my dancing makes me so happy. Especially when it's the teacher or one of the great dancers. My teacher said I got potential. Which made me extremely happy.
So about today. I've been looking through old books, and re'writing my notes from last year classes. I'm gonna read a lot the next weeks. I want to be a straight A's student. It's gonna be hard work but I'll try as hard as needed. My grades have to be perfect. Maybe if I get better grades my parents will consider letting me get my education the way I want it. I want to go UWC so badly. I know I'll have to wait 2 years anyways. But you know? I just want the confidence that my parents support my decisions. UWC will probably be the best years of my life.
My parents it's very selfish of me wanting to go UWC. They say if I leave them then they're alone. Well, I'm not. They got eachother. The things they say are actually cute, but stupid too. I think I got every rights to be selfish this time. It's my life and education. I think my mum should stop being so selfish. She needs to realise you have to live for your own. I won't be with her all the time. She asked me how I could leave them alone, when they both get worried so easily. Well, then this is the time they get better. They'll understand when they're too protective.
Lastly I want to tell you how much I miss you. I can't talk with anyone they way I could with you. I thought I could with him, but no. Whenever I talked with him, I didn't actually talk with him. I tried to put him in your place. Which was really stupid of me. I was sending mixed signals. But fuck it.
I regret showing these letters to you to some people. I hope they understand who they are. So will you please tell them to stop caring about me? Because they aren't actually helping me at all. They think they help me by talking about things, but they're just being annoying with stupid questions. Tell them to forget about everything they know about me, if they thinkt they know who I'm talking about tell them to ask me. Now.
-A
Ballet class yesterday was great. When you see you can do better than some of the skinny girls, it makes you feel better. When I'm in class I feel worth. Just the tiny compliments from anyone about my dancing makes me so happy. Especially when it's the teacher or one of the great dancers. My teacher said I got potential. Which made me extremely happy.
So about today. I've been looking through old books, and re'writing my notes from last year classes. I'm gonna read a lot the next weeks. I want to be a straight A's student. It's gonna be hard work but I'll try as hard as needed. My grades have to be perfect. Maybe if I get better grades my parents will consider letting me get my education the way I want it. I want to go UWC so badly. I know I'll have to wait 2 years anyways. But you know? I just want the confidence that my parents support my decisions. UWC will probably be the best years of my life.
My parents it's very selfish of me wanting to go UWC. They say if I leave them then they're alone. Well, I'm not. They got eachother. The things they say are actually cute, but stupid too. I think I got every rights to be selfish this time. It's my life and education. I think my mum should stop being so selfish. She needs to realise you have to live for your own. I won't be with her all the time. She asked me how I could leave them alone, when they both get worried so easily. Well, then this is the time they get better. They'll understand when they're too protective.
Lastly I want to tell you how much I miss you. I can't talk with anyone they way I could with you. I thought I could with him, but no. Whenever I talked with him, I didn't actually talk with him. I tried to put him in your place. Which was really stupid of me. I was sending mixed signals. But fuck it.
I regret showing these letters to you to some people. I hope they understand who they are. So will you please tell them to stop caring about me? Because they aren't actually helping me at all. They think they help me by talking about things, but they're just being annoying with stupid questions. Tell them to forget about everything they know about me, if they thinkt they know who I'm talking about tell them to ask me. Now.
-A
Monday, April 1, 2013
Dear Alex,
you know what inspires me the most? P A S S I O N.
It's an amazing thing, when people put all they got into the thing they're doing. Sometimes I say I felt like falling in love with the skaters. But the thing is I fall in love with people's passion for their interests. Passion is what makes the difference when you see performances. It could be the exact same choreography, but one will do it for doing it and other will do it because that's what they feel like. Obviously both can be great dancers, but the one who puts all their powers in it will be the best.
My passion has always been and will always be Dance. No matter how I deny it, it's the true. I've been dancing all my life.
From 3-10 I did Show Dance. I never went to classes, my parents aren't dancers but somehow I made up my own choreographies and performed. Which made me the performer kid in town. Then more people started doing it, and i stopped. Because I felt like I wasn't good enough. But I'm quite proud of the younger me, for starting the dance performances at birthday parties trend in the brown people group thingy.
From 7-9 I did Ballet. I went to classes, but then i had to stop because it didn't fit in my schedule. I really loved it. This was also the first time I met Franko.
From 11-14 I did Hip Hop with a great crew. These are my best dance memories. Because I joined alone. Made some friends. We were the only ones who continued the second year. This was some kinda free thing for the ghetto kids. To keep us out of criminality and drugs and stuff. I didn't need it, but I joined because whatever involves need to be tried out. At the end of the first year I met Franko again. It was funny, because I had only seen her in Ballet. But now she was so different. She told me about how Ballet wasn't her thing, so she started doing Hip Hop when she was 15, and at the age of 19 she's a professional choreographer. She's my inspiration, don't ask me why. She's just perfect in every way. But at the end of the free thingy, you could apply for the crew. But then you had to pay for it. Plus, you had to be 13. At that time I was only 12 and my parents couldn't really afford or more they like they didn't want me to do it. So I didn't. The last day you could apply Franko asked me why I didn't apply. Then I told her about it. She said that she could get me in, and that I could end up being an amazing dancer. But I couldn't go against my parents' words so I said no thank you. Then she told me to never giver up on dance, and not to waste my potential.
Hip Hop 13-14 was kinda on and off. Sometimes when I could sneak out I went, other times I couldn't go. And now I'm kicked off the crew for being a bitch.
14- till forever: Ballet. Well, I started doing Ballet again. I love it. I really wanna do Modern Ballet too, but I'm gonna wait and ask my parents because asking about too much at the same time can mess things up.
The only thing I've danced almost all my life and my parents have supported fully about is Bharata Natyam. It's an Indian Classical Dance. I've been dancing since I was 5 and I'm hope I'll continue it.
I wish everything wasn't so expensive. I wish I could go dance classes every day. Now you'll probably ask my why I don't dance at home then? Well, I would. I don't need a teacher. I just need a huge room, music and mirrors.
-A
you know what inspires me the most? P A S S I O N.
It's an amazing thing, when people put all they got into the thing they're doing. Sometimes I say I felt like falling in love with the skaters. But the thing is I fall in love with people's passion for their interests. Passion is what makes the difference when you see performances. It could be the exact same choreography, but one will do it for doing it and other will do it because that's what they feel like. Obviously both can be great dancers, but the one who puts all their powers in it will be the best.
My passion has always been and will always be Dance. No matter how I deny it, it's the true. I've been dancing all my life.
From 3-10 I did Show Dance. I never went to classes, my parents aren't dancers but somehow I made up my own choreographies and performed. Which made me the performer kid in town. Then more people started doing it, and i stopped. Because I felt like I wasn't good enough. But I'm quite proud of the younger me, for starting the dance performances at birthday parties trend in the brown people group thingy.
From 7-9 I did Ballet. I went to classes, but then i had to stop because it didn't fit in my schedule. I really loved it. This was also the first time I met Franko.
From 11-14 I did Hip Hop with a great crew. These are my best dance memories. Because I joined alone. Made some friends. We were the only ones who continued the second year. This was some kinda free thing for the ghetto kids. To keep us out of criminality and drugs and stuff. I didn't need it, but I joined because whatever involves need to be tried out. At the end of the first year I met Franko again. It was funny, because I had only seen her in Ballet. But now she was so different. She told me about how Ballet wasn't her thing, so she started doing Hip Hop when she was 15, and at the age of 19 she's a professional choreographer. She's my inspiration, don't ask me why. She's just perfect in every way. But at the end of the free thingy, you could apply for the crew. But then you had to pay for it. Plus, you had to be 13. At that time I was only 12 and my parents couldn't really afford or more they like they didn't want me to do it. So I didn't. The last day you could apply Franko asked me why I didn't apply. Then I told her about it. She said that she could get me in, and that I could end up being an amazing dancer. But I couldn't go against my parents' words so I said no thank you. Then she told me to never giver up on dance, and not to waste my potential.
Hip Hop 13-14 was kinda on and off. Sometimes when I could sneak out I went, other times I couldn't go. And now I'm kicked off the crew for being a bitch.
14- till forever: Ballet. Well, I started doing Ballet again. I love it. I really wanna do Modern Ballet too, but I'm gonna wait and ask my parents because asking about too much at the same time can mess things up.
The only thing I've danced almost all my life and my parents have supported fully about is Bharata Natyam. It's an Indian Classical Dance. I've been dancing since I was 5 and I'm hope I'll continue it.
I wish everything wasn't so expensive. I wish I could go dance classes every day. Now you'll probably ask my why I don't dance at home then? Well, I would. I don't need a teacher. I just need a huge room, music and mirrors.
-A
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Dear Alex,
How on earth is this fair? You know you always make things better for me. So can you please sort this shit out. Because this time life is really unfair. Like you see? What kind of game is whoever controls life playing with me? "Give her a friend,take him away, give, take, give, take?"
All my life this has been happening. So don't blame me for thinking that I don't deserve any type of friendship. I don't deserve it, but it's what keeps me alive. It's like keeping me alive,is useless. It's a waste of time. The day people stop loving me, I'll finally have the strength to take my last breath. Love/Friendship is what makes me weak.
Now back to the whoever-you-believe-in's(let's make it a male bc stereotyping) game. I'm gonna show you exactly what I mean.
From the top!
1.The twins:
So my mum was supposed to have twins before me. But no, they were too precious for earth. So they got in heaven without even seeing the world. Sometimes I wonder if I'm such a disappointment maybe they could have done better than me. To be honest, I think they deserved to live more than I do. But on the other side, maybe living is an punishment. So that's why I'm sent here. But the thing is I often feel like, they got taken away from me because I don't deserve them.
2.Cousins:
I grew up with my 2 cousins. They were like brothers to me. I had them by my side until I was 7-8, but then they moved away. But some months after my oldest cousin moved in our house. He lived with us for a year or a half, because his school was nearer us. He was becoming like a real big brother to me. He was the one who helped me with homework, told me about weird things and I always looked around in his stuff to find funny things. He would even bring me something every night he worked at McDonald's. But then he moved back to his family, and he kinda forgot about me, I guess. 2 years ago my younger cousin moved in our house. Because he had a hard time at home. I was worried about him. I cried every night. Do you know how hard it is to see, people you love, having such a bad time that they can't control themselves? Yes, I had to survive it. Everyone focused on how his siblings were feeling about it. But nobody thought about me. I was the one who was most affected tho. His siblings didn't even live in the same house as him. I had him randomly yelling at me. Even tho many would see it as a bad time for me too. I wouldn't say it was. I felt like I got to know him more. But later he was sent to hospital. I think he realized how he had been acting towards me, and he had told my mum he was embarrassed. He slowly stopped talking with me.
3.Big Cousin
So my cousin moved from my motherland to Denmark. We became close very quickly. I think this was around 10'? idk. He lived here for 3-5 months. I knew he'll be moving again soon, but I thought nothing would change. He moved to France. We had to cut down the contact, but it was fine. I missed him, but I was convinced that as soon as everything became alright. We could visit each other. But no, the idiot he was he decided to go back to his country. Then, bang. He forgot about me. But how come I thought I'd ever be like a real sis to anybody? He already got his real one.
4.You
The creators plans strike again. He did it again, just like with the twins.
5.R
So the guy fucking pops up in my life like a "don't kill yourself"-sign, and then leaves again. Like what now? Does this mean I can leave now? But a lesson is learnt. Next I won't wait for so long to talk with someone. Because people are actually not always the worst.
-A
Friday, March 29, 2013
Dear Alex,
I feel empty/lost/awful once again. Why did he come into my life again? if he's going away again. Dinner with my family went really good. Nobody commented my looks this time. That was really nice.
Now the thing is, it's this summer he's going. It's soon. It's very soon. I feel like this summer is gonna be my hell. R is moving. Everything is changing.
I already miss him. He's on holiday right now. He'll be home tomorrow . I feel like everything is pointless right now.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I had nobody to talk with. It's scary how alone I feel. Will you please come and take me away from all of this?
To make things even worse, my weight is hell again. I'm fat.
Yesterday I said I was living a dream, but it turned out to be a nightmare pretty quickly.
-A
I feel empty/lost/awful once again. Why did he come into my life again? if he's going away again. Dinner with my family went really good. Nobody commented my looks this time. That was really nice.
Now the thing is, it's this summer he's going. It's soon. It's very soon. I feel like this summer is gonna be my hell. R is moving. Everything is changing.
I already miss him. He's on holiday right now. He'll be home tomorrow . I feel like everything is pointless right now.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I had nobody to talk with. It's scary how alone I feel. Will you please come and take me away from all of this?
To make things even worse, my weight is hell again. I'm fat.
Yesterday I said I was living a dream, but it turned out to be a nightmare pretty quickly.
-A
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Dear Alex,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you for so long. I just didn't know what write, or more like I didn't have time. Just got home from S'. It was great to catch up with her. We talked a lot. I mean a loooooooot. When you sit talking about stuff, you often realise something. That's when she said, if all that has happened didn't, we wouldn't have been this close. If you were still here, I wouldn't have been bestfriends with her. It's wierd to think about. I can't imagine how my life would be, if you were still here. Like losing you, changed me a lot. You are kinda the one who made me the way I am.
Feels like living in a fantasy world...
-A
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Dear Alex.
To make you more comfortable, I've eaten 2 muffins today. So no, I'm not starving myself. R is going to Dubai tomorrow, so not seeing him for a week. So I got this easter holiday coming. The plans about going London are cancelled again :((((
I have never once in my life been told my parents to be myself, and get others to accept me the way I am. Every single time, I get told "Fit in, be like others, make people like you" . Even tho they keep telling me this, I've got the healthier mindset on check. I'm the way I am, and I'll be the way I am. If you like me, then cool. If you don't, that's not my problem.
But yeah for the holiday. Well, I got a English presentation to make, and then hang out with the best friend, and I'm saving up money for a skateboard. I'm not allowed to get it, but they don't understand my love. So I'll just get it. It's first time I'm buying something without their permission, but what can I do?
I've started doing some different drawing stuff. Graffiti is really cool, but I hate that some people use it the wrong way. R said my stuff is really good, and that I should consider making a piece at the skate park. Idk, if it's legal or not? But the place is already covered with shit and a few good pieces, so a little art won't hurt,right? I don't know when I'll be getting the skateboard, but I'll do asap.
The fucking snow is back.
-A
To make you more comfortable, I've eaten 2 muffins today. So no, I'm not starving myself. R is going to Dubai tomorrow, so not seeing him for a week. So I got this easter holiday coming. The plans about going London are cancelled again :((((
I have never once in my life been told my parents to be myself, and get others to accept me the way I am. Every single time, I get told "Fit in, be like others, make people like you" . Even tho they keep telling me this, I've got the healthier mindset on check. I'm the way I am, and I'll be the way I am. If you like me, then cool. If you don't, that's not my problem.
But yeah for the holiday. Well, I got a English presentation to make, and then hang out with the best friend, and I'm saving up money for a skateboard. I'm not allowed to get it, but they don't understand my love. So I'll just get it. It's first time I'm buying something without their permission, but what can I do?
I've started doing some different drawing stuff. Graffiti is really cool, but I hate that some people use it the wrong way. R said my stuff is really good, and that I should consider making a piece at the skate park. Idk, if it's legal or not? But the place is already covered with shit and a few good pieces, so a little art won't hurt,right? I don't know when I'll be getting the skateboard, but I'll do asap.
The fucking snow is back.
-A
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Dear Alex,
Today has been amazing. I survived the whole day (school,PE and ballet) without any food. You should be proud. Don't try to convince me that I'm going into my bad routines again. Don't say that I'm just harming my body, or that I shouldn't do this because of my weight. I said I haven't eaten, but that doesn't mean I didn't drink anything. In the morning I had a cup of milk, and then when I got home I had a couple of glasses.On the way to Ballet I had some ice coffee. So no! This is not my eating disorder taking over again!
Ballet class went alright. I'm more comfortable now. I don't feel fat at all. Maybe I'm even happy that I got my body the way it is. Like who wouldn't appreciate a great ass? ;)
Do you think our three-way friendship will last? I mean me, J and R. If it does I'll be amazed. I'm telling you I'll always make an effort to keep it, but if they want to? Idk it's their choice. R is going Dubai tomorrow or on Thursday, I'm not really sure. I hope he enjoys the trip. I mean, of course he will. Who doesn't like being with their family?
I really like spending time with family. But we never do it. We kinda do, but it's always the way my parents want it to be. I mean, sometimes they should try make an effort understanding me. I wish all my family lived in Denmark. Like uncles, aunts, cousins and grandma. That would be amazing. My uncle lives nearby. I wish I spent more time with them. Maybe I should contact my cousin, and we could find a way to bring he families together...I'll work it out later.
My dad talked about going to London after the Easter holiday, because the prices in the holidays are quite expensive. I hope he finds some cheap tickets. If we go London, I promise to find some way to visit your grave. I'm in touch with your sister now, so let's hope she would like to meet me again.
-A
Today has been amazing. I survived the whole day (school,PE and ballet) without any food. You should be proud. Don't try to convince me that I'm going into my bad routines again. Don't say that I'm just harming my body, or that I shouldn't do this because of my weight. I said I haven't eaten, but that doesn't mean I didn't drink anything. In the morning I had a cup of milk, and then when I got home I had a couple of glasses.On the way to Ballet I had some ice coffee. So no! This is not my eating disorder taking over again!
Ballet class went alright. I'm more comfortable now. I don't feel fat at all. Maybe I'm even happy that I got my body the way it is. Like who wouldn't appreciate a great ass? ;)
Do you think our three-way friendship will last? I mean me, J and R. If it does I'll be amazed. I'm telling you I'll always make an effort to keep it, but if they want to? Idk it's their choice. R is going Dubai tomorrow or on Thursday, I'm not really sure. I hope he enjoys the trip. I mean, of course he will. Who doesn't like being with their family?
I really like spending time with family. But we never do it. We kinda do, but it's always the way my parents want it to be. I mean, sometimes they should try make an effort understanding me. I wish all my family lived in Denmark. Like uncles, aunts, cousins and grandma. That would be amazing. My uncle lives nearby. I wish I spent more time with them. Maybe I should contact my cousin, and we could find a way to bring he families together...I'll work it out later.
My dad talked about going to London after the Easter holiday, because the prices in the holidays are quite expensive. I hope he finds some cheap tickets. If we go London, I promise to find some way to visit your grave. I'm in touch with your sister now, so let's hope she would like to meet me again.
-A
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Dear Alex,
I'm so happy for J. She got a boyfriend. I don't know him much, but from what I know he sounds like a nice guy. Just to be sure, that my girl isn't around with some troublemaker I checked his Facebook. He's 2-3 years older than us. I guess that's alright. Plus, he isn't that attractive. Don't get me wrong, he's not attractive from my point of view. Which I think is good. Because attractive guys tend to be more player types. If he ever hurts her, I swear I'll kill.
This kinda makes me sad. I'm not saying I'm not happy for her, I'm beyond happy for them. She deserve all good in life. But when people get into relationships, they often forget their friends. She's my only friend, and I won't handle it.
I'm kinda jealous too. Because she's with a guy again. She got guys waiting for her all the time. She's perfect. She's pretty, gorgeous hair, perfect body, athletic and perfect personality. She's the pretty friend. I'm the one who is just there.
No boy have ever liked me. No one has ever had a crush on me. I'm not saying that you aren't a boy. I bet you wouldn't even have liked me, if it weren't for that time where T left us at her house for 2 hours and we were kinda forced to get to know each other. But you know? I've never been the type who is into having a boyfriend. And you knew it.
My mind works the way that, there is no need to tell everyone that you're in a relationship as long as you know you love each other. Like why would you want them to know? I remember more than you'd wish I did remember. Your childish little love.
What were you even thinking,baby? You thought I would want a boyfriend when I was 12? You know? If it wasn't you, the friendship we had would've ended that second. But only because it was you it didn't, because I loved you already as my best friend. I hoped that friendship would develop thru the years. Not go from bestfriends to couple in a day, but slowly turn into love.
Now when I think about it, I regret a lot. It still doesn't change that I think having a boyfriend at that young age is pointless. But I do wish you were my first love.
-A
I'm so happy for J. She got a boyfriend. I don't know him much, but from what I know he sounds like a nice guy. Just to be sure, that my girl isn't around with some troublemaker I checked his Facebook. He's 2-3 years older than us. I guess that's alright. Plus, he isn't that attractive. Don't get me wrong, he's not attractive from my point of view. Which I think is good. Because attractive guys tend to be more player types. If he ever hurts her, I swear I'll kill.
This kinda makes me sad. I'm not saying I'm not happy for her, I'm beyond happy for them. She deserve all good in life. But when people get into relationships, they often forget their friends. She's my only friend, and I won't handle it.
I'm kinda jealous too. Because she's with a guy again. She got guys waiting for her all the time. She's perfect. She's pretty, gorgeous hair, perfect body, athletic and perfect personality. She's the pretty friend. I'm the one who is just there.
No boy have ever liked me. No one has ever had a crush on me. I'm not saying that you aren't a boy. I bet you wouldn't even have liked me, if it weren't for that time where T left us at her house for 2 hours and we were kinda forced to get to know each other. But you know? I've never been the type who is into having a boyfriend. And you knew it.
My mind works the way that, there is no need to tell everyone that you're in a relationship as long as you know you love each other. Like why would you want them to know? I remember more than you'd wish I did remember. Your childish little love.
What were you even thinking,baby? You thought I would want a boyfriend when I was 12? You know? If it wasn't you, the friendship we had would've ended that second. But only because it was you it didn't, because I loved you already as my best friend. I hoped that friendship would develop thru the years. Not go from bestfriends to couple in a day, but slowly turn into love.
Now when I think about it, I regret a lot. It still doesn't change that I think having a boyfriend at that young age is pointless. But I do wish you were my first love.
-A
Dear Alex,
I feel like so much had happened, but not. I don't ever feel complete. Let me try tell about the past few days. I talked about texting R's mum,right? Yeah, I did. And she texted back that he was alright, and an hour after that he texted back too. Maybe it's just me. But when I look back at my texts to him, it's kinda embarrassing. But it was fine with him, so it's alright.
I've finally told S about everything, well I didn't tell her. I just told her to read this blog. I'm kinda relieved that she knows, and she said she'll always be there for me. A lot of people say that, and I guess it's one more of that kind. People need to realise there is a huge difference between understanding people and just saying okay to everything. I probably expect too much from people.
Well, let's move on to something less serious. I've started watching Switched At Birth. It's amazing.I think I got a small crush on Sean Berdy. How come I've never heard about him before? His ASL music video for Hero is just fantastic. I'm in love with sign language. It's not just something I'm saying because of Sean and Switched At Birth. You know I loved looking at people signing, and your sister said she'd learn me some. But the thing I know are American, I've found out there is a huge difference between American and British.
I got a new canvas couple of days ago. I got some ideas on my mind, but don't know which one to choose. I'd like to begin working today, but need to choose first.
-A
I feel like so much had happened, but not. I don't ever feel complete. Let me try tell about the past few days. I talked about texting R's mum,right? Yeah, I did. And she texted back that he was alright, and an hour after that he texted back too. Maybe it's just me. But when I look back at my texts to him, it's kinda embarrassing. But it was fine with him, so it's alright.
I've finally told S about everything, well I didn't tell her. I just told her to read this blog. I'm kinda relieved that she knows, and she said she'll always be there for me. A lot of people say that, and I guess it's one more of that kind. People need to realise there is a huge difference between understanding people and just saying okay to everything. I probably expect too much from people.
Well, let's move on to something less serious. I've started watching Switched At Birth. It's amazing.I think I got a small crush on Sean Berdy. How come I've never heard about him before? His ASL music video for Hero is just fantastic. I'm in love with sign language. It's not just something I'm saying because of Sean and Switched At Birth. You know I loved looking at people signing, and your sister said she'd learn me some. But the thing I know are American, I've found out there is a huge difference between American and British.
I got a new canvas couple of days ago. I got some ideas on my mind, but don't know which one to choose. I'd like to begin working today, but need to choose first.
-A
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Dear Alex,
Still no R at school, and my attacks are starting again. I know that he usually gets these really bad headaches, but I can't stop worrying. He haven't answered any texts and haven't been online on Skype. J has texted him too, and I think she even rang him. But no answer.
I know I shouldn't be worrying, but it's hard when I get these nightmares every single night about your accident. It's like it so frustrating. Because what if the nightmares are some signs? What if what happened to you, happens to him because he started talking with me. I feel like I'm some danger-magnet, who attracts problems.
I got this really bad attack in class. I think people are getting used to me having attacks now. But I just couldn't stop. I was shaking really bad, crying and I couldn't breather normally. Then our teacher walked in asked if I wanted to tell about it or if J is allowed to tell her about it. I don't think I could've told so, I let J do it. I guess, it was too much to handle for my teacher. She left after that, and somehow I finally calmed down a bit. She had told J, that she didn't know what to do.
Well, I don't think it's possible to get me out of this by talking to a psychologist because they annoy me. The only way is self-control. I have to get through this alone. Nobody are able to do it for me. After class J and I went down to talk with R's cousin. Because J thought that proving he was alright would help me.
I don't think people will ever get, how it isn't something that I actually think. It's something that's on my mind. I know nothing has happened to him, but my mind is trying to prove me wrong. If I had control, I would control it. But I don't.
Just to be completely sure, and get rid of the bad feeling maybe I should text his mum. That may be wierd, but what if that's what's needed to get me calmed down?
-A
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Dear Alex,
R wasn't at school today. I know he's probably alright, but whenever he isn't at school my brain automatically imagines the worst things possible. It's horrible. We got our project grades today. Our project wasn't good. But the teacher said that my confident while doing the presentation, and the way I talked added up on our grades. She told us, that I was the one who saved the presentation-part. It made me really happy, because I'm not usually good at doing talking-stuff.
Since the teachers told me to say more in class, I've been really active today. Sitting in the front of class helps a lot, because then I won't think about the ones who sit behind me who'll maybe judge me. My confidence was kinda good today. Even tho my mind was messed. Because I'm constantly worrying about R. I really need to stop it.
I talked a lot today. I was talking like non-stop. I also talked with E. I think I've told about him once before. He's usually really quiet,doesn't say much. But just to get him to talk, I kept annoying him. It was fun, even tho some asked if I was high.
After school I was supposed to walk home with M and some other girls, but they got someone to pick them up. So I was just kidding and told them that if they left me, then I got my new homie E. But I actually ended up walking home with him. It was fun, because we were just teasing each other all the time. I'm really childish, even tho I can be mature at times.
-A
R wasn't at school today. I know he's probably alright, but whenever he isn't at school my brain automatically imagines the worst things possible. It's horrible. We got our project grades today. Our project wasn't good. But the teacher said that my confident while doing the presentation, and the way I talked added up on our grades. She told us, that I was the one who saved the presentation-part. It made me really happy, because I'm not usually good at doing talking-stuff.
Since the teachers told me to say more in class, I've been really active today. Sitting in the front of class helps a lot, because then I won't think about the ones who sit behind me who'll maybe judge me. My confidence was kinda good today. Even tho my mind was messed. Because I'm constantly worrying about R. I really need to stop it.
I talked a lot today. I was talking like non-stop. I also talked with E. I think I've told about him once before. He's usually really quiet,doesn't say much. But just to get him to talk, I kept annoying him. It was fun, even tho some asked if I was high.
After school I was supposed to walk home with M and some other girls, but they got someone to pick them up. So I was just kidding and told them that if they left me, then I got my new homie E. But I actually ended up walking home with him. It was fun, because we were just teasing each other all the time. I'm really childish, even tho I can be mature at times.
-A
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Dear Alex,
I like the Italic font, so that's what I'll be using. Had my first Ballet class after like 5 years now. It' was alright, we already got a show this spring. I don't really know what I want to tell you, but I can just feel I need to talk with you. I'm getting this really bad feeling, without any reason. I had a tiny bad feeling 2 days ago, because I thought R has thrown the badge I gave him away. But he was wearing it today, so he still got it. I really don't know what's upsetting me now. Until I get to the main thing that upsets, which I don't know I can tell you something random. I want a hug. One tight hug that lasts for a while. I want it from you. Nobody else could do it. But yeah, random thing hmm...what should I tell you? This is not gonna be interesting at all, I really don't know what to say. But I'm not stopping until I feel relieved. Well, I got a mark on my knuckle. Don't try to slap R, while he's talking. You'll hit his teeth, and it'll your hand more than it'll hurt his face. A lesson is learnt. I love him.
That was pretty damn random,wasn't it? I wish you could just walk up to someone and ask for a hug, but that's just wierd. The fake liprings J and I ordered has been delivered. Can't wait to check if they suit us. We're gonna try fool some people, by saying they're real. It's gonna be fun. I've been thinking a lot about the piercings, I don't think I want the real ones. Because I want to be something like a doctor or psychologist, so piercings won't help me getting a job.
I'm still not allowed to buy a skateboard. But I want to one so bad. Every time I talk about it with someone they say it won't suit me. They say I won't be able to skate. Who do they think they are? How can they allow themselves to talk such bullshit? If I want to, I'll try harder than anything to make it happen.
I told my mum dancing is my life. She told me that it can't be. Who is she to decide what I should be thinking about my life? I am the only one who got the rights to decide what my life is. She's saying life is education and having a family. She told me that I'd not be able to find a partner, if dance means so much to me. She asked me who would spent their life with someone who dedicate their life to a sport? If I can't find someone who accepts me the way I am, I'd rather not marry anyone. The most important thing in love is accepting and loving every single flaw. Doesn't she knoe what love is? Poor woman
-A
I like the Italic font, so that's what I'll be using. Had my first Ballet class after like 5 years now. It' was alright, we already got a show this spring. I don't really know what I want to tell you, but I can just feel I need to talk with you. I'm getting this really bad feeling, without any reason. I had a tiny bad feeling 2 days ago, because I thought R has thrown the badge I gave him away. But he was wearing it today, so he still got it. I really don't know what's upsetting me now. Until I get to the main thing that upsets, which I don't know I can tell you something random. I want a hug. One tight hug that lasts for a while. I want it from you. Nobody else could do it. But yeah, random thing hmm...what should I tell you? This is not gonna be interesting at all, I really don't know what to say. But I'm not stopping until I feel relieved. Well, I got a mark on my knuckle. Don't try to slap R, while he's talking. You'll hit his teeth, and it'll your hand more than it'll hurt his face. A lesson is learnt. I love him.
That was pretty damn random,wasn't it? I wish you could just walk up to someone and ask for a hug, but that's just wierd. The fake liprings J and I ordered has been delivered. Can't wait to check if they suit us. We're gonna try fool some people, by saying they're real. It's gonna be fun. I've been thinking a lot about the piercings, I don't think I want the real ones. Because I want to be something like a doctor or psychologist, so piercings won't help me getting a job.
I'm still not allowed to buy a skateboard. But I want to one so bad. Every time I talk about it with someone they say it won't suit me. They say I won't be able to skate. Who do they think they are? How can they allow themselves to talk such bullshit? If I want to, I'll try harder than anything to make it happen.
I told my mum dancing is my life. She told me that it can't be. Who is she to decide what I should be thinking about my life? I am the only one who got the rights to decide what my life is. She's saying life is education and having a family. She told me that I'd not be able to find a partner, if dance means so much to me. She asked me who would spent their life with someone who dedicate their life to a sport? If I can't find someone who accepts me the way I am, I'd rather not marry anyone. The most important thing in love is accepting and loving every single flaw. Doesn't she knoe what love is? Poor woman
-A
Monday, March 11, 2013
Dear Alex,
We had this parent-meeting today. The teachers told me that I was a great student, and that I cold get straight A's. But I had to talk some more in class for that. I know this. And I've been told this since forever. But I don't even understand why I don't do it then. We have to find some way to keep my confidence up all the time. How do I do that? Maybe a style-change will help? Or what can I do to make me feel better? I should be asking myself, but instead I'm asking you.
I've realized, I'm not the only one who puts everything in friendship. J feels the same way, I can feel it. She's been talking a lot about out little group. Just the three of us. R moving is gonna hurt her too, so we'll go thru this together. She talks a lot about you too for some reason. She said that you inspire her. I don't understand in which way tho, because she doesn't even know the half about you. But you are an really inspirational person. I admire the way you handled everything.
Since she talks a lot about our little group, it's been on my mind. Isn't it weird how we finally ended with this group? Would we have talked with each other if none of us had these problems? Until now, I thought I was the only one who felt the "group" between us. But J does too. And so does R. It's really indescribably amazing to know the ones you love and care about the most, love you back.
-A
We had this parent-meeting today. The teachers told me that I was a great student, and that I cold get straight A's. But I had to talk some more in class for that. I know this. And I've been told this since forever. But I don't even understand why I don't do it then. We have to find some way to keep my confidence up all the time. How do I do that? Maybe a style-change will help? Or what can I do to make me feel better? I should be asking myself, but instead I'm asking you.
I've realized, I'm not the only one who puts everything in friendship. J feels the same way, I can feel it. She's been talking a lot about out little group. Just the three of us. R moving is gonna hurt her too, so we'll go thru this together. She talks a lot about you too for some reason. She said that you inspire her. I don't understand in which way tho, because she doesn't even know the half about you. But you are an really inspirational person. I admire the way you handled everything.
Since she talks a lot about our little group, it's been on my mind. Isn't it weird how we finally ended with this group? Would we have talked with each other if none of us had these problems? Until now, I thought I was the only one who felt the "group" between us. But J does too. And so does R. It's really indescribably amazing to know the ones you love and care about the most, love you back.
-A
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Dear Alex,
I don't know I haven't been up to much lately. Nothing special good happened. Hmm..did I tell you about the fight? I don't know, if I should. No, probably not. But yeah, one of us who started the fight will get kicked out. But Franko has put on a challenge, whoever loses the challenge is out. It's quite fair, but where do I find a dancing noob who is willing to learn to dance? But other than that. I'm alright. I don't really have any emotions, I don't even understand how that's possible. I don't have a lot to say anymore. I'm turning into some kinda empty soul, I guess. That's kinda good, because no feelings means not getting hurt.
We have parents-meeting tomorrow. I'm afraid that my teacher is going to tell about my problems. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow before the meeting. I don't want my parents to find out. They don't even know much about you. I don't want them involved in anything about you.
-A
I don't know I haven't been up to much lately. Nothing special good happened. Hmm..did I tell you about the fight? I don't know, if I should. No, probably not. But yeah, one of us who started the fight will get kicked out. But Franko has put on a challenge, whoever loses the challenge is out. It's quite fair, but where do I find a dancing noob who is willing to learn to dance? But other than that. I'm alright. I don't really have any emotions, I don't even understand how that's possible. I don't have a lot to say anymore. I'm turning into some kinda empty soul, I guess. That's kinda good, because no feelings means not getting hurt.
We have parents-meeting tomorrow. I'm afraid that my teacher is going to tell about my problems. I'm going to talk with her tomorrow before the meeting. I don't want my parents to find out. They don't even know much about you. I don't want them involved in anything about you.
-A
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Dear Alex,
Today was amazing. To be fucking honest, I loved this week. It's been great. We're finally done with the project work. We are just gonna do the last touch-ups tomorrow, and then the presentation next week. We finished it off early so we went to J's place. J and I have been asking R to let us straighten his hair for a while, so he finally let us today. His hair is quite long. For a second he looked like a twin you or something. You know sometimes people have this one moment where they look unnaturally perfect? Yup, R had one of those. I swear, "emo" or goth R will be the death of me. After that we went down to the skate park. I love watching people skate, I could do it for hours. But it was cold, so I went home earlier.
I'm the kind of person who is honest, when it's people I wanna be honest with. Like I won't ever hesitate on telling R on how perfect he is? Tbh I think I've told him a few times, and the funny thing is I don't even get embarrassed Because that's the true. I can see his flaws. I know his bad habits. But he's perfect. I don't even understand how that's possible. But you know? Sometimes you see someone who isn't perfect for everyone else, but no matter how hard you try to tell yourself they aren't perfect. You just can't.
But I've cleared up a bit of my feelings now. I don't have a crush on R. I'm sure, all I ever wanted was a friendship. Now that I get it, I don't get this moments where I could just cry about everything. Some people may think it's wierd that being friends with someone means so much to me, but if they were me they'd understand.
R and J are my sunshines. Because of the time I've spent with them this week, I didn't focus on the bad at all. But I probably should give it a lil bit attention, so I don't end in some big trouble when I'm alone. Well, I've these huge problems with some girls. We get in lots of fights, so one of us will be set off the hiphop-crew. I have this bad feeling that it's gonna be me, because most don't like me. I've always been the one they didn't like. I joined in those old days, where Franko was here. I miss her like hell.
-A
Today was amazing. To be fucking honest, I loved this week. It's been great. We're finally done with the project work. We are just gonna do the last touch-ups tomorrow, and then the presentation next week. We finished it off early so we went to J's place. J and I have been asking R to let us straighten his hair for a while, so he finally let us today. His hair is quite long. For a second he looked like a twin you or something. You know sometimes people have this one moment where they look unnaturally perfect? Yup, R had one of those. I swear, "emo" or goth R will be the death of me. After that we went down to the skate park. I love watching people skate, I could do it for hours. But it was cold, so I went home earlier.
I'm the kind of person who is honest, when it's people I wanna be honest with. Like I won't ever hesitate on telling R on how perfect he is? Tbh I think I've told him a few times, and the funny thing is I don't even get embarrassed Because that's the true. I can see his flaws. I know his bad habits. But he's perfect. I don't even understand how that's possible. But you know? Sometimes you see someone who isn't perfect for everyone else, but no matter how hard you try to tell yourself they aren't perfect. You just can't.
But I've cleared up a bit of my feelings now. I don't have a crush on R. I'm sure, all I ever wanted was a friendship. Now that I get it, I don't get this moments where I could just cry about everything. Some people may think it's wierd that being friends with someone means so much to me, but if they were me they'd understand.
R and J are my sunshines. Because of the time I've spent with them this week, I didn't focus on the bad at all. But I probably should give it a lil bit attention, so I don't end in some big trouble when I'm alone. Well, I've these huge problems with some girls. We get in lots of fights, so one of us will be set off the hiphop-crew. I have this bad feeling that it's gonna be me, because most don't like me. I've always been the one they didn't like. I joined in those old days, where Franko was here. I miss her like hell.
-A
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Dear Alex,
R wasn't at school today, he had a day off. When I got home the first things my parents asked was "Why do you look so sad? Wasn't R at school". First of all I wouldn't say I looked sad, it's just my face. Second, since when did my parents start noticing what I care about and how I am. I guess it's the right way to go. They've started understanding a bit.
So we did some of the work for the project, and sent R a lot of stuff to read and re-write. We are great friends, aren't we? Making him read and re-write stuff that we don't even need. Excited to see his work tomorrow aha. I learnt making those paper wish stars today. So proud of me. Then I decided to make a star for every single person I love 100% , trust and care about. Surprisingly, I could only make 4 stars.
I kinda hate myself for not loving more people truly, but that's just how I am. I think I'm finally getting more comfortable being around R when others are there too. That's great.
I know I talk and think about R & J a lot. But those people are my only reasons to be here. It's nice to know that I mean a lot to J too. J and I talked a lot about life today. How wierd it's gonna be when R moves school, and then the next year we're all in different schools. I hope J and I are still friends. I'm not sure about R. I wish we will stay friends, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Because he's moving twice. He'll get new better friends. But a little piece of my heart is still hoping for one of the magical friendship. Like you know in movies? Where the group of friends meet up like very year same place, same date, same time.
Anyways, J is thinking about a bit style change. She said she got inspired by your style. Finally I've been waiting for someone to change their styles completely. She wants to get her hair layered and then dye it black. She's in love with the whole "Skater"-thing. Like I used to be. I really hope she changes her style. Nothing wrong with the current one, but a change doesn't hurt. Her dad will maybe let her. I wish I could do the same. But my parents want me to be "normal".
We're ordering some fake liprings soon. Then we'll try some black washout dye. If it all works together. Perfect! :D
-A
R wasn't at school today, he had a day off. When I got home the first things my parents asked was "Why do you look so sad? Wasn't R at school". First of all I wouldn't say I looked sad, it's just my face. Second, since when did my parents start noticing what I care about and how I am. I guess it's the right way to go. They've started understanding a bit.
So we did some of the work for the project, and sent R a lot of stuff to read and re-write. We are great friends, aren't we? Making him read and re-write stuff that we don't even need. Excited to see his work tomorrow aha. I learnt making those paper wish stars today. So proud of me. Then I decided to make a star for every single person I love 100% , trust and care about. Surprisingly, I could only make 4 stars.
I kinda hate myself for not loving more people truly, but that's just how I am. I think I'm finally getting more comfortable being around R when others are there too. That's great.
I know I talk and think about R & J a lot. But those people are my only reasons to be here. It's nice to know that I mean a lot to J too. J and I talked a lot about life today. How wierd it's gonna be when R moves school, and then the next year we're all in different schools. I hope J and I are still friends. I'm not sure about R. I wish we will stay friends, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Because he's moving twice. He'll get new better friends. But a little piece of my heart is still hoping for one of the magical friendship. Like you know in movies? Where the group of friends meet up like very year same place, same date, same time.
Anyways, J is thinking about a bit style change. She said she got inspired by your style. Finally I've been waiting for someone to change their styles completely. She wants to get her hair layered and then dye it black. She's in love with the whole "Skater"-thing. Like I used to be. I really hope she changes her style. Nothing wrong with the current one, but a change doesn't hurt. Her dad will maybe let her. I wish I could do the same. But my parents want me to be "normal".
We're ordering some fake liprings soon. Then we'll try some black washout dye. If it all works together. Perfect! :D
-A
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Dear Alex,
Today has been fun. We're half done with the project work. We're a good group, I'm telling you. Then we went down town to waste some time, and after that we went to the skate park.You probably still remember my huge love for skate parks even tho I never skated? It's about 1 and a half year since I've been to any skate parks, so it was quite nice to be there. I love spending time watching people doing something the really love. I spend 2 hours just watching R and J skating, or R was skating and J was riding her waveboard. They asked me a lot of times to join, but you remember how big of a skate disaster I am,right? So I refused. But then I finally I decided to try. And I'm telling I'm never ever going to stand on a waveboard again. I don't understand that thing. I fell off once, and then I didn't wanna try again. But the skateboard was a bit easier. Not telling you that I can actually skate, but at least I didn't fall off. But even tho I didn't do much,I enjoyed watching them. I can watch people skate forever. You know? It's like a drug watching people do something they really enjoy. Like you get completely lost in the way they move? I can't really explain, but I think you get me. For a short moment I thought I saw you, but it was just R. It scared me a bit. But yeah, as I told you it's like my drug.
Ballet class got cancelled today, so I went to the hiphop "class" instead. I don't think my parents will ever understand my passion for dancing. I tried off singing for a while, it's alright. But I think it's about time that I admit, that I can't live without dancing.
-A
Today has been fun. We're half done with the project work. We're a good group, I'm telling you. Then we went down town to waste some time, and after that we went to the skate park.You probably still remember my huge love for skate parks even tho I never skated? It's about 1 and a half year since I've been to any skate parks, so it was quite nice to be there. I love spending time watching people doing something the really love. I spend 2 hours just watching R and J skating, or R was skating and J was riding her waveboard. They asked me a lot of times to join, but you remember how big of a skate disaster I am,right? So I refused. But then I finally I decided to try. And I'm telling I'm never ever going to stand on a waveboard again. I don't understand that thing. I fell off once, and then I didn't wanna try again. But the skateboard was a bit easier. Not telling you that I can actually skate, but at least I didn't fall off. But even tho I didn't do much,I enjoyed watching them. I can watch people skate forever. You know? It's like a drug watching people do something they really enjoy. Like you get completely lost in the way they move? I can't really explain, but I think you get me. For a short moment I thought I saw you, but it was just R. It scared me a bit. But yeah, as I told you it's like my drug.
Ballet class got cancelled today, so I went to the hiphop "class" instead. I don't think my parents will ever understand my passion for dancing. I tried off singing for a while, it's alright. But I think it's about time that I admit, that I can't live without dancing.
-A
Monday, March 4, 2013
Dear Alex,
I love my style. Yup, I finally found one more thing I love about myself. My style isn't that special, and you can't really stereotype it because it's so mixed. I love how I can fix my style, it's not like I need an amount of money to make it look like me. We started the project today, we didn't really do much. Because we're all lazy asses.But I promise we'll do more tomorrow. Our goal is getting an A, just to prove our teacher wrong, and show her that we can actually work in a group together. I think I'm slowly learning to accept life the way it is. Because I got no other choice. R is going to that boarding school an hour away from here after the summer, and after that he's moving to Copenhagen. So it's about time that I prepare my mind, to that the last day of school before summer holiday is the last day I'm gonna see him. It's weird to think about how he just popped up in my life for 2 years, and then he's gone again. J will be here after the summer holiday tho.And after that I'll move to a city nearby if my parents allow me or maybe I'm stuck here idk. But isn't it weird how we are forced to move on all the time?
We're going to the skate park tomorrow. Did you know that R has been the skate park nearby? Yeah, that place. It's horrible to know that the place exists. And that it all actually happened. I met the boys few days ago. It's awful to live here. When I know they're are in the neighborhood. It's a nightmare. No one would be able to survive this. How would you feel if you met the ones who did such cruel things to you? It's makes me wanna cry. But I don't bc no. But then later on i met the girls who support the boys. They're the worst. They're girls,right? Shouldn't they understand how I'm feeling. Anyways I ignore all they said and kept on walking but then this lil biatch, who used to be my friend mentioned you. That's when hell started. I punched the lead girl. Remind me that I'm awful at punching people, and that I end up hurting my fist. Just so I know next time. But they were like 4-5 against me, so it wasn't really a fight. My legs are still blue-ish, but don't worry I'll be alright soon.
Back to the fun. Skate park tomorrow. My parents told me that I'm not allowed to skate. I told them that I can't lie, and that I've skated in school some times. And even tho they won't let me I'll probably do it in school. My dad thanked me for being honest, I guess that's good. But he won't ever let me buy a skateboard. But if I can find other ways to skate, then I'm allowed.
Now to the greatest news of the day. Guess who will be going to Ballet-classes again soon? Yup, that's me. If I promised not to talk about moving away all the time, my parents will pay for my classes. Great deal! Isn't it? Pretty easy, since I'm starting to accept everything.
Oh, and one more thing. I dreamt about R's brother last night. Pretty weird, since I don't really know him.
-A
I love my style. Yup, I finally found one more thing I love about myself. My style isn't that special, and you can't really stereotype it because it's so mixed. I love how I can fix my style, it's not like I need an amount of money to make it look like me. We started the project today, we didn't really do much. Because we're all lazy asses.But I promise we'll do more tomorrow. Our goal is getting an A, just to prove our teacher wrong, and show her that we can actually work in a group together. I think I'm slowly learning to accept life the way it is. Because I got no other choice. R is going to that boarding school an hour away from here after the summer, and after that he's moving to Copenhagen. So it's about time that I prepare my mind, to that the last day of school before summer holiday is the last day I'm gonna see him. It's weird to think about how he just popped up in my life for 2 years, and then he's gone again. J will be here after the summer holiday tho.And after that I'll move to a city nearby if my parents allow me or maybe I'm stuck here idk. But isn't it weird how we are forced to move on all the time?
We're going to the skate park tomorrow. Did you know that R has been the skate park nearby? Yeah, that place. It's horrible to know that the place exists. And that it all actually happened. I met the boys few days ago. It's awful to live here. When I know they're are in the neighborhood. It's a nightmare. No one would be able to survive this. How would you feel if you met the ones who did such cruel things to you? It's makes me wanna cry. But I don't bc no. But then later on i met the girls who support the boys. They're the worst. They're girls,right? Shouldn't they understand how I'm feeling. Anyways I ignore all they said and kept on walking but then this lil biatch, who used to be my friend mentioned you. That's when hell started. I punched the lead girl. Remind me that I'm awful at punching people, and that I end up hurting my fist. Just so I know next time. But they were like 4-5 against me, so it wasn't really a fight. My legs are still blue-ish, but don't worry I'll be alright soon.
Back to the fun. Skate park tomorrow. My parents told me that I'm not allowed to skate. I told them that I can't lie, and that I've skated in school some times. And even tho they won't let me I'll probably do it in school. My dad thanked me for being honest, I guess that's good. But he won't ever let me buy a skateboard. But if I can find other ways to skate, then I'm allowed.
Now to the greatest news of the day. Guess who will be going to Ballet-classes again soon? Yup, that's me. If I promised not to talk about moving away all the time, my parents will pay for my classes. Great deal! Isn't it? Pretty easy, since I'm starting to accept everything.
Oh, and one more thing. I dreamt about R's brother last night. Pretty weird, since I don't really know him.
-A
Friday, March 1, 2013
Dear Alex,
My brain is not functioning good enough to write a proper letter. So I'll just write down all my thoughts. Have you ever wondered what the meaning with friendships is? Like why make friends, when you're going to change them all thru life? How long do you think we would have lasted? That's been on my mind a lot. Do you think our friendship would have lasted? I don't like the way life is something that constantly keeps changing. I wish it was possible to know people forever. But I guess, it's possible. Like if both people want it to last, it can last. But mostly it's one of them who moves on, and the other one who misses the friendship. I feel like I'm always the one wants things to last forever. I'm having this bad feeling that I'm going to be the one who can't move on after summer. I'm gonna be stuck, and I can't do anything about it. I wish my parents had money enough to let me go to a boarding school. I'd love it. It's like once in life-time chance, if I can't this year, it's never going to happen. People say "Money can't buy happiness", but it can make a difference. I'm not saying that all you need to be happy is money,but it can help.
Rant over. I'm so sorry, but I had to get all of that off my mind. Let me tell you about the good things in my life. Yes, I know I talk a lot about the negative, but I do notice good too.
Well, I'll be trying to skate soon. My friend's brother has an old skateboard. He's willing to sell it cheap, or maybe even free. I'm so excited for getting it. I hope I like skateboarding. There are some few things in life that make me feel infinite. I'm hoping that skateboarding is something I can add to the list but who knows.
I've realised there some people who really care about me. I wasn't at school today, because I was mentally down. But I woke up to 3 texts. 1 from a the one with the skateboard, asking why I wasn't at school. And the other 2 were from J. She was getting worried. That girl is amazing. The only reason I'll survive next year. But I still really wanna go to the boarding school. It's my only way to get into the Performance-thingy.
-A
My brain is not functioning good enough to write a proper letter. So I'll just write down all my thoughts. Have you ever wondered what the meaning with friendships is? Like why make friends, when you're going to change them all thru life? How long do you think we would have lasted? That's been on my mind a lot. Do you think our friendship would have lasted? I don't like the way life is something that constantly keeps changing. I wish it was possible to know people forever. But I guess, it's possible. Like if both people want it to last, it can last. But mostly it's one of them who moves on, and the other one who misses the friendship. I feel like I'm always the one wants things to last forever. I'm having this bad feeling that I'm going to be the one who can't move on after summer. I'm gonna be stuck, and I can't do anything about it. I wish my parents had money enough to let me go to a boarding school. I'd love it. It's like once in life-time chance, if I can't this year, it's never going to happen. People say "Money can't buy happiness", but it can make a difference. I'm not saying that all you need to be happy is money,but it can help.
Rant over. I'm so sorry, but I had to get all of that off my mind. Let me tell you about the good things in my life. Yes, I know I talk a lot about the negative, but I do notice good too.
Well, I'll be trying to skate soon. My friend's brother has an old skateboard. He's willing to sell it cheap, or maybe even free. I'm so excited for getting it. I hope I like skateboarding. There are some few things in life that make me feel infinite. I'm hoping that skateboarding is something I can add to the list but who knows.
I've realised there some people who really care about me. I wasn't at school today, because I was mentally down. But I woke up to 3 texts. 1 from a the one with the skateboard, asking why I wasn't at school. And the other 2 were from J. She was getting worried. That girl is amazing. The only reason I'll survive next year. But I still really wanna go to the boarding school. It's my only way to get into the Performance-thingy.
-A
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Dear Alex,
Today has been alright, nothing special happened. But I still feel like I got a lot to tell you. Oh, I showed R the picture of you. He said that you look more like his brother. Maybe you do, but when I say I see you in R. I mean the way you are. You are both the most amazing boys, I've ever known. I've been thinking about this thing for a while. It really bothers me. You are the only person who loved me, even after knowing everything about me. You gave me the hope about boys back, but then you were gone. I lost my hope again. Because I think the only reason you loved and understood me, was because you're an Angel. My sad empty feelings are starting to get back to me now. I really don't like it, but this time I'll try to control better. I don't want the summer to come. I know everyone loves summer, and want sun and holiday. But I don't. I want this spring to last forever. I don't even want holidays. If I could be away from home forever, I would. R and his mates are moving away this summer. I wish it was me moving. I just can't accept the fact that when I finally find some people I like, they move away. There are no reason to be here anymore. I don't get it. I'm gonna try enjoy the last months as much as possible. People tell me to get over it. Fucking get over it. Are they crazy? This isn't some kinda break-up to get over. If anybody ever knew as much as you did, they would hate me. They would wish they didn't know me.
The past 2 years R has been the memory about you that kept me alive. But what will I do after summer? What if we don't talk anymore? I hope we do. But there is no chance. I think he's the type who only keeps in touch with a very very few people. It's funny, how I'm always the one who care too much or have to let go.
But I guess that's how life is.
To a happier thing. My new mission is to learn skateboarding before the summer is over. Sounds great,right? I know what's on your mind,right now. But I think my balance is better now. Well, I hope it is.
-A
Today has been alright, nothing special happened. But I still feel like I got a lot to tell you. Oh, I showed R the picture of you. He said that you look more like his brother. Maybe you do, but when I say I see you in R. I mean the way you are. You are both the most amazing boys, I've ever known. I've been thinking about this thing for a while. It really bothers me. You are the only person who loved me, even after knowing everything about me. You gave me the hope about boys back, but then you were gone. I lost my hope again. Because I think the only reason you loved and understood me, was because you're an Angel. My sad empty feelings are starting to get back to me now. I really don't like it, but this time I'll try to control better. I don't want the summer to come. I know everyone loves summer, and want sun and holiday. But I don't. I want this spring to last forever. I don't even want holidays. If I could be away from home forever, I would. R and his mates are moving away this summer. I wish it was me moving. I just can't accept the fact that when I finally find some people I like, they move away. There are no reason to be here anymore. I don't get it. I'm gonna try enjoy the last months as much as possible. People tell me to get over it. Fucking get over it. Are they crazy? This isn't some kinda break-up to get over. If anybody ever knew as much as you did, they would hate me. They would wish they didn't know me.
The past 2 years R has been the memory about you that kept me alive. But what will I do after summer? What if we don't talk anymore? I hope we do. But there is no chance. I think he's the type who only keeps in touch with a very very few people. It's funny, how I'm always the one who care too much or have to let go.
But I guess that's how life is.
To a happier thing. My new mission is to learn skateboarding before the summer is over. Sounds great,right? I know what's on your mind,right now. But I think my balance is better now. Well, I hope it is.
-A
Monday, February 25, 2013
Dear Alex,
Are you playing with some kinda magic? Because every time I tell you about something and then the next day it happens. Like I told you yesterday about how I wish I still had a pic of you. And then I found an old pic saved on my computer as "Abekat". omg, how come I totally forgot that it used to be your nickname? Today hasn't been that interesting. R wasn't at school, so J and I couldn't start the project. But I talked with him now. He's feeling a little bit better now, so he'll be there tomorrow. He's very excited to see the picture of you. I think he was the first one who asked me for it. It's not the best picture tho. It doesn't really show your beautiful eyes. Sometimes I wonder why you always hid your beautiful face behind your hair, but then again....How would girls be able to breathe? ;) Well, do you remember talking about whether to get spider or snake bites? Yeah, it's the pic where you're trying the snake-bite look. J said that you look hot. Well, I can't deny. But I hated the way she said it. My little jealousy problem never left me, I still get jealous about the smallest things. I just can't control. But I've learned to control my anger better. You should be proud of me. I haven't got in any big fights since I moved to this school. I'm rocking the innocent girl- style.
I had a dream about you last night, and for once it wasn't a bad one. It was a memory. Do you remember trying to learn me to skate? I do. I clearly do aha. I've been thinking about trying again. But I'm just scared. Not scared of falling, but of failing. Should I give it a go?
-A
Are you playing with some kinda magic? Because every time I tell you about something and then the next day it happens. Like I told you yesterday about how I wish I still had a pic of you. And then I found an old pic saved on my computer as "Abekat". omg, how come I totally forgot that it used to be your nickname? Today hasn't been that interesting. R wasn't at school, so J and I couldn't start the project. But I talked with him now. He's feeling a little bit better now, so he'll be there tomorrow. He's very excited to see the picture of you. I think he was the first one who asked me for it. It's not the best picture tho. It doesn't really show your beautiful eyes. Sometimes I wonder why you always hid your beautiful face behind your hair, but then again....How would girls be able to breathe? ;) Well, do you remember talking about whether to get spider or snake bites? Yeah, it's the pic where you're trying the snake-bite look. J said that you look hot. Well, I can't deny. But I hated the way she said it. My little jealousy problem never left me, I still get jealous about the smallest things. I just can't control. But I've learned to control my anger better. You should be proud of me. I haven't got in any big fights since I moved to this school. I'm rocking the innocent girl- style.
I had a dream about you last night, and for once it wasn't a bad one. It was a memory. Do you remember trying to learn me to skate? I do. I clearly do aha. I've been thinking about trying again. But I'm just scared. Not scared of falling, but of failing. Should I give it a go?
-A
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Dear Alex,
from now on this blog is dedicated to you. I finally realized why blogging have helped me, it's because I need to tell someone everything like I did with you. Do you remember our chats? I loved hearing about your day. It was so amazing how the distance meant nothing, and that we could talk about everything. Like we just knew people from each other's life without even knowing them... Those were the times.
I hope you're alright.I know you're alright. Must be amazing to finally spend time with your mum. Some months after you were gone, I tried to get to you. Because I'd love to meet your mum, and spent forever with you. But they won't let me go. But someday, we'll meet. Promise.
I wish had saved at least one picture of you, or a video. But I was too stupid. I thought deleting everything about you would help me move on. I do some impulsive stupid stuff some times, as you knew. I've used a lot of time searching thru websites trying to find a picture that maybe slipped away. I'm not giving up. One day I'll find it.
So I know you see everything I type, or I believe you do. So maybe I should explain some people for you? Because so much have happened since you decided to leave me...
I've moved school. It's been 2 years now. It's a private school, a little bit posh compared to my old school.
I've had some fake friends, and made some real ones. So I'll make you a list of people you don't know, you actually don't know most of them.
People you should know by now
R- He reminds me a lot of you. He's amazing, or more like perfect. Let's just say he could've been your long lost twin. He's in my class. I didn't talk with him most of the first year on this school, because I was scared of how much you two are a like. But then I started talking to him, and he's a great friend. I've told him about you. He asked me if I had a pic of you, but sadly I don't. I even asked your sister for a picture, but I guess she's still having a hard time.
J- She's been thru a lot. She's a very strong girl, and one of the best friends on earth. She knows about you too. I've been friends with her since I moved to this school, but we've got closer the past 2 months. Because she finally knows everything about me.
M- She is a very very recent new friend. We never really talked, but one day where we were walking home together we just started talking about random stuff. Then she said that she'd noticed stuff, then I played all innocent and said I don't do drugs. But then she told me everything she had noticed ( ED & SH) and I got so surprised. I couldn't deny anything, because it was all so true, and she described how she noticed so accurate. I never knew people notice, even tho they don't know you. But since then we've been friends, and we both like some of the same music.
K- You actually know a tiny bit about her. I've been spending lots of time with her. She's a great friend, but I don't tell her much. Because I don't think she knows how to react. She's a very intelligent, creative and talented girl. You had probably met her that summer, if you were here.
S- I'm completely sure, that you know about her. There is no way that I haven't told you about her. She's like my sister. The cutest person ever. I've known her forever, but we've grown closer now. Do you remember our plans about you and I moving to London? Well, since you can't do that. I've made some new plans. S and I are moving to Aarhus when we finish college. We'll live together in a flat, while we study Uni.
KM- I haven't really known her for that long. She's from Ireland. Once again, distance is being the problem. But she's an amazing girl. Never thought that I'd start talking with someone from another country like I did with you. We chat daily, just like you and I did. I know, cute.
So I think those are the people...but if I've missed out any, just get someone to comment. okay?
from now on this blog is dedicated to you. I finally realized why blogging have helped me, it's because I need to tell someone everything like I did with you. Do you remember our chats? I loved hearing about your day. It was so amazing how the distance meant nothing, and that we could talk about everything. Like we just knew people from each other's life without even knowing them... Those were the times.
I hope you're alright.I know you're alright. Must be amazing to finally spend time with your mum. Some months after you were gone, I tried to get to you. Because I'd love to meet your mum, and spent forever with you. But they won't let me go. But someday, we'll meet. Promise.
I wish had saved at least one picture of you, or a video. But I was too stupid. I thought deleting everything about you would help me move on. I do some impulsive stupid stuff some times, as you knew. I've used a lot of time searching thru websites trying to find a picture that maybe slipped away. I'm not giving up. One day I'll find it.
So I know you see everything I type, or I believe you do. So maybe I should explain some people for you? Because so much have happened since you decided to leave me...
I've moved school. It's been 2 years now. It's a private school, a little bit posh compared to my old school.
I've had some fake friends, and made some real ones. So I'll make you a list of people you don't know, you actually don't know most of them.
People you should know by now
R- He reminds me a lot of you. He's amazing, or more like perfect. Let's just say he could've been your long lost twin. He's in my class. I didn't talk with him most of the first year on this school, because I was scared of how much you two are a like. But then I started talking to him, and he's a great friend. I've told him about you. He asked me if I had a pic of you, but sadly I don't. I even asked your sister for a picture, but I guess she's still having a hard time.
J- She's been thru a lot. She's a very strong girl, and one of the best friends on earth. She knows about you too. I've been friends with her since I moved to this school, but we've got closer the past 2 months. Because she finally knows everything about me.
M- She is a very very recent new friend. We never really talked, but one day where we were walking home together we just started talking about random stuff. Then she said that she'd noticed stuff, then I played all innocent and said I don't do drugs. But then she told me everything she had noticed ( ED & SH) and I got so surprised. I couldn't deny anything, because it was all so true, and she described how she noticed so accurate. I never knew people notice, even tho they don't know you. But since then we've been friends, and we both like some of the same music.
K- You actually know a tiny bit about her. I've been spending lots of time with her. She's a great friend, but I don't tell her much. Because I don't think she knows how to react. She's a very intelligent, creative and talented girl. You had probably met her that summer, if you were here.
S- I'm completely sure, that you know about her. There is no way that I haven't told you about her. She's like my sister. The cutest person ever. I've known her forever, but we've grown closer now. Do you remember our plans about you and I moving to London? Well, since you can't do that. I've made some new plans. S and I are moving to Aarhus when we finish college. We'll live together in a flat, while we study Uni.
KM- I haven't really known her for that long. She's from Ireland. Once again, distance is being the problem. But she's an amazing girl. Never thought that I'd start talking with someone from another country like I did with you. We chat daily, just like you and I did. I know, cute.
So I think those are the people...but if I've missed out any, just get someone to comment. okay?
Friday, February 22, 2013
So basically yesterday was the most perfect day. I hope it's alright that I forgot to blog.
So we started musical rehearsals at 8am and finished around 11am. Since we finished before time, and all was perfect the teachers decided to give us a huuuge break. It was quite nice. "The populars" found their cliques and went to town. Or some where idk. J and M started straightening my hair. It took a lot of time, but nobody criticized my hair for being big or anything. A lot of people said that it looked amazing. But I don't really believe anyone, bc I'm stupid like that. After that we went to the nearest store to buy something to drink. Because how else were we supposed to survive the day? We ended up buyng some cans of energy drinks. I don't even really remember where M went. Suddenly she was gone hah. But yeah, so it was just me and J after that. Maybe I shouldn't have finished the 2 liters of Orange Juice and the half can of BURN. Because that resulted in a very very hyper A. R and some of his friends were playing drums and stuff. So I just went back stage with J and jammed. It was really fun. I just ran around backstage dancing the whole break.
When the break finished we had to get our costumes on. I just love my role in the play. I play this really gangster poc boy. It's a boost to my self-esteem for sure :P Then I just walked around saying this to random girls in the musical crew "Wassup,babe? You and me, a drink tonight?" Some people were surprised that I was so loud and carefree, because I'm usually very insecure and silent. I wish I could be the way I was yesterday forever. Anyways then I saw R, and put on my Joey accent, and said "How you doing? I'm telling you, I'd go gay for you. You look smoking hot tonight". Omg, you should have seen his face .I think he forgot it was actually just me under the costume for a bit. But then he laughed and said "I'm sorry. I'm as hetero as hetero can be. But if you got a sister let me know"and blinked. It was soooo funny playing the role, because I could just walk around all day saying that I'm practising my role, and just be this flirty boy with a top class self-esteem and no-one would judge me. It was amazing-
So we had to wait backstage and relax for 1 and a half hour. It was nerve-wrecking at first, because I was alone but then I found my homies. We just sat there talking about random stuff. Drinking that much juice wasn't the best idea, because I had to pee 3-4 times while the play was on. But it went really really good. Better than I expected. And R was so cute. When we were off stage he ran up to and highfived me. I didn't expect it at all,so I got so surprised and happy omg ahhh <3 Here I am getting totally happy about a highfive.
After we cleaned up backstage we had to hurry up to dressing-rooms, because we had to change to our dresses. I don't look at people that way, but omg those girls *-* so many beautiful girls with amazing curls and perfect smiles! My self-esteem hit the lowest point, where it couldn't get worse. I didn't even wanna change my hoodie to my dress. Because I probably looked crap with my fat body. But J wouldn't let me wear the hoodie, because we were supposed to look elegant. Even R who always wears hoodies was wearing a shirt. So I kinda had to. I put it on and waited in the toilet for a bit, because I didn't feel very good about wearing it. But when I went out all the girls were waiting for me. Sometimes I think most of the girls know about my very bad self-esteem, because they're always so nice. But then again they could be telling the truth... They told me I looked amazing and stuff, but you know? I'm bad at accepting compliments.So I just went away from the girls-crowd. Then I accidentally walked into the boys-dressing room. I hate myself so much. I'm so awkward. I just said sorry quickly closed the door. It was so embarrassing, they probably didn't see who it was, but it was really embarrassing. I finally found J, and we decided to walk around together. Then we met R he was like woah. To be more exact. His words "Woah, what a transformation.....You look stunning!"
You know I say I don't trust people when they compliment me, but that made my day. That was what I needed to hear. So my self-esteem was top class after that.
It was fun dancing Lancier, because it's a really posh dance. R and I were the best at it, no just kidding. We failed a bit but who cares. This thing happened which could have been awkward but it wasn't. The musical week have changed how I am a bit, in a good way. Well, R had forgotten his belt so he had to pull up his pants all the time. And my dress was crawling up all the time so I had to pull down. But we timed our "pulling ups and downs" pretty good. Compared to the rehearsals the real thing was pretty bad. But only we knew.
After the dancing bit I walked around with J and K. But I had to find R so I left them. Because I promised KM a pic with him. So I just asked him and he was like "Yeah, sure. Ay, M can you take a pic?" I thought it was going to be one of those awkward pics, where there are so much distance between us, but no. he just put his arm on my shoulder as if it was what he used to. When the pic was taken, I didn't even check if it was alright. I just had to get away, but the pic is pretty good if you ask KM haha.
Then I found K sitting with her parents. She said she had an headache, but I'm pretty sure something else was wrong too. But she didn't wanna go near the dance floor. So I kinda had to walk around with her, it was pretty boring. But I couldn't just let her sit with her parents. That's just a no go. But then I finally found someone who didn't wanna go near the dance floor either.Phew, they went together.
So I just went over to the dance floor a.k.a my home. I just started dancing with some girls from the musical crew, and there we go. new friends made. We danced for a bit, and for some reasons my eyes were searching for R all the time. Maybe it's time that I admit I might have a tiny crush on him. Well, M teases me about it for a bit. It didn't even annoy me. Then we went outside to take pictures. It was really fun. Then JS(new friend) and I went back to the dance floor, the music was really good. So I just started jamming. and then JS asked me to learn her to do the booty shake. I don't even understand how my brain works at times. Like we just stood the on the corner booty shaking or JS was trying. some people were like "omg the black are taking over. white peeps, can't dance. leave the dance floor" the fun thing I'm one of the few people with another ethnicity. But yeah, ,I went outside for a bit.
Then i went back in. Because music is my drug. The DJ is my dealer. Dancing is my way to smoke. Woaah, that sounded good. My mind was telling me that tonight was my night. So when we got to the dance floor, I started dancing with R's friend and later on with R. I'm so happy that I got to dance with him/them because it's their last prom on this school. But then my dad came and said that we had to go home. I was about to leave, when R came running after me, just ask me if I was leaving and to say bye. Cute,isn't he?
But yeah, today has been ok. Not much to say. But this is the longest post ever.
-A
So we started musical rehearsals at 8am and finished around 11am. Since we finished before time, and all was perfect the teachers decided to give us a huuuge break. It was quite nice. "The populars" found their cliques and went to town. Or some where idk. J and M started straightening my hair. It took a lot of time, but nobody criticized my hair for being big or anything. A lot of people said that it looked amazing. But I don't really believe anyone, bc I'm stupid like that. After that we went to the nearest store to buy something to drink. Because how else were we supposed to survive the day? We ended up buyng some cans of energy drinks. I don't even really remember where M went. Suddenly she was gone hah. But yeah, so it was just me and J after that. Maybe I shouldn't have finished the 2 liters of Orange Juice and the half can of BURN. Because that resulted in a very very hyper A. R and some of his friends were playing drums and stuff. So I just went back stage with J and jammed. It was really fun. I just ran around backstage dancing the whole break.
When the break finished we had to get our costumes on. I just love my role in the play. I play this really gangster poc boy. It's a boost to my self-esteem for sure :P Then I just walked around saying this to random girls in the musical crew "Wassup,babe? You and me, a drink tonight?" Some people were surprised that I was so loud and carefree, because I'm usually very insecure and silent. I wish I could be the way I was yesterday forever. Anyways then I saw R, and put on my Joey accent, and said "How you doing? I'm telling you, I'd go gay for you. You look smoking hot tonight". Omg, you should have seen his face .I think he forgot it was actually just me under the costume for a bit. But then he laughed and said "I'm sorry. I'm as hetero as hetero can be. But if you got a sister let me know"and blinked. It was soooo funny playing the role, because I could just walk around all day saying that I'm practising my role, and just be this flirty boy with a top class self-esteem and no-one would judge me. It was amazing-
So we had to wait backstage and relax for 1 and a half hour. It was nerve-wrecking at first, because I was alone but then I found my homies. We just sat there talking about random stuff. Drinking that much juice wasn't the best idea, because I had to pee 3-4 times while the play was on. But it went really really good. Better than I expected. And R was so cute. When we were off stage he ran up to and highfived me. I didn't expect it at all,so I got so surprised and happy omg ahhh <3 Here I am getting totally happy about a highfive.
After we cleaned up backstage we had to hurry up to dressing-rooms, because we had to change to our dresses. I don't look at people that way, but omg those girls *-* so many beautiful girls with amazing curls and perfect smiles! My self-esteem hit the lowest point, where it couldn't get worse. I didn't even wanna change my hoodie to my dress. Because I probably looked crap with my fat body. But J wouldn't let me wear the hoodie, because we were supposed to look elegant. Even R who always wears hoodies was wearing a shirt. So I kinda had to. I put it on and waited in the toilet for a bit, because I didn't feel very good about wearing it. But when I went out all the girls were waiting for me. Sometimes I think most of the girls know about my very bad self-esteem, because they're always so nice. But then again they could be telling the truth... They told me I looked amazing and stuff, but you know? I'm bad at accepting compliments.So I just went away from the girls-crowd. Then I accidentally walked into the boys-dressing room. I hate myself so much. I'm so awkward. I just said sorry quickly closed the door. It was so embarrassing, they probably didn't see who it was, but it was really embarrassing. I finally found J, and we decided to walk around together. Then we met R he was like woah. To be more exact. His words "Woah, what a transformation.....You look stunning!"
You know I say I don't trust people when they compliment me, but that made my day. That was what I needed to hear. So my self-esteem was top class after that.
It was fun dancing Lancier, because it's a really posh dance. R and I were the best at it, no just kidding. We failed a bit but who cares. This thing happened which could have been awkward but it wasn't. The musical week have changed how I am a bit, in a good way. Well, R had forgotten his belt so he had to pull up his pants all the time. And my dress was crawling up all the time so I had to pull down. But we timed our "pulling ups and downs" pretty good. Compared to the rehearsals the real thing was pretty bad. But only we knew.
After the dancing bit I walked around with J and K. But I had to find R so I left them. Because I promised KM a pic with him. So I just asked him and he was like "Yeah, sure. Ay, M can you take a pic?" I thought it was going to be one of those awkward pics, where there are so much distance between us, but no. he just put his arm on my shoulder as if it was what he used to. When the pic was taken, I didn't even check if it was alright. I just had to get away, but the pic is pretty good if you ask KM haha.
Then I found K sitting with her parents. She said she had an headache, but I'm pretty sure something else was wrong too. But she didn't wanna go near the dance floor. So I kinda had to walk around with her, it was pretty boring. But I couldn't just let her sit with her parents. That's just a no go. But then I finally found someone who didn't wanna go near the dance floor either.Phew, they went together.
So I just went over to the dance floor a.k.a my home. I just started dancing with some girls from the musical crew, and there we go. new friends made. We danced for a bit, and for some reasons my eyes were searching for R all the time. Maybe it's time that I admit I might have a tiny crush on him. Well, M teases me about it for a bit. It didn't even annoy me. Then we went outside to take pictures. It was really fun. Then JS(new friend) and I went back to the dance floor, the music was really good. So I just started jamming. and then JS asked me to learn her to do the booty shake. I don't even understand how my brain works at times. Like we just stood the on the corner booty shaking or JS was trying. some people were like "omg the black are taking over. white peeps, can't dance. leave the dance floor" the fun thing I'm one of the few people with another ethnicity. But yeah, ,I went outside for a bit.
Then i went back in. Because music is my drug. The DJ is my dealer. Dancing is my way to smoke. Woaah, that sounded good. My mind was telling me that tonight was my night. So when we got to the dance floor, I started dancing with R's friend and later on with R. I'm so happy that I got to dance with him/them because it's their last prom on this school. But then my dad came and said that we had to go home. I was about to leave, when R came running after me, just ask me if I was leaving and to say bye. Cute,isn't he?
But yeah, today has been ok. Not much to say. But this is the longest post ever.
-A
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