Still no R at school, and my attacks are starting again. I know that he usually gets these really bad headaches, but I can't stop worrying. He haven't answered any texts and haven't been online on Skype. J has texted him too, and I think she even rang him. But no answer.
I know I shouldn't be worrying, but it's hard when I get these nightmares every single night about your accident. It's like it so frustrating. Because what if the nightmares are some signs? What if what happened to you, happens to him because he started talking with me. I feel like I'm some danger-magnet, who attracts problems.
I got this really bad attack in class. I think people are getting used to me having attacks now. But I just couldn't stop. I was shaking really bad, crying and I couldn't breather normally. Then our teacher walked in asked if I wanted to tell about it or if J is allowed to tell her about it. I don't think I could've told so, I let J do it. I guess, it was too much to handle for my teacher. She left after that, and somehow I finally calmed down a bit. She had told J, that she didn't know what to do.
Well, I don't think it's possible to get me out of this by talking to a psychologist because they annoy me. The only way is self-control. I have to get through this alone. Nobody are able to do it for me. After class J and I went down to talk with R's cousin. Because J thought that proving he was alright would help me.
I don't think people will ever get, how it isn't something that I actually think. It's something that's on my mind. I know nothing has happened to him, but my mind is trying to prove me wrong. If I had control, I would control it. But I don't.
Just to be completely sure, and get rid of the bad feeling maybe I should text his mum. That may be wierd, but what if that's what's needed to get me calmed down?
-A
