I told E about you today. He was really nice about it, and said that i could text him any time. He's now added to my list of fave people, well he's been on there for a while now.

R has a girlfriend, or that's what it sounded like. Her name is Sarah/Sara, I think. Since hearing that I felt like a brick had been thrown in my face. I don't really know why tho, because I'm not jealous. I'm happy for him if it's true. I hope they're both happy. It's a long distance relationship, so I kind of believe in it. I feel like he's slipping away from me, not that he's ever been mine. But I never wanted him that way.

But I just don't like thought of not knowing him anymore in the future. Like he'll be one of my best memories about this school, but he probably won't even remember me. I'm afraid, I don't want this to happen. I just can't take it. I owe him a lot, and I'll never be able to pay him back. The only way I can pay him back is by being there for him, but I think our friendship will just fade away.

So just to give him a tiny reason to remember me, I'm giving him this jar of reasons to smile. I'm gonna fill it up with small compliments and hope it'll help him in the darkest times. And in the inside of the jar, I've taped a note. That says in "Emergency number for sadness: ********" (my number). I'm gonna make a long chain of the compliments, so every time he feels sad he can open a message. And the last message will be "Call me, I promise to listen. It's the least I can do."

Because that way I won't be sad if he never calls me, I'll just be like "Well, that probably means he's happy".

On the other hand I think keeping in touch with E will be easier. Talking/Chatting with him daily makes me happy. He's always nice, and supportive. He's an amazing guy.

-A

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Sorry, that I haven't written anything to you lately. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you. I actually got reminded of that night a few days ago. It was horrible because it felt like all over again. My friend Dan suddenly DMed, after so long that he needed my help. And of course , I said yes. He needed to find out if his gf was still alive. The thing is he lives in UK and she lives in Canada. I checked all her accounts and everything said last activity was the night before. My panic attacks started again. I felt like shit for not being able to know if she's alive or not. I said I'd help as much as possible, and let him know when I found out. So I finally found her Tumblr and send her an ask. I couldn't sleep all night, because it felt like I was back in time.

Like when you left. I remember Skyping with you until 4pm, and then you had to leave. Oh, I remember you left because I asked you to get me a pic of the new piece Jackie did and because you hadn't skated much today. You told me you'll be back by 7pm. But you never came. I sent you a message and waited. I waited and I'm still waiting. And by 11pm Jackie sent me a message about what happened. I remember telling her that she shouldn't make such a sick joke. Weeks after, and even months after I checked my Skype just hoping that it was a stupid sick prank. But after talking to Jackie on the phone, it became clear. I was just trying to convince myself you were still there, and just ignoring me. Because I'd rather have you to ignore me, than losing you.

Because of my memories, I worried about someone i don't even know. But in the next days she answered. And she was really mean. Like I wanted to slap myself for caring about her. I told Dan, but then he said " Don't say that about her, you know I love her...what did she say?" What I wanted to answer was just because you love her, doesn't make everything she does right. I wasn't even trying to come between you 2. If I wanted to I'd do it in the start. I don't deserve to feel bad for caring about a stranger...but I just said, that it doesn't matter and that I'm sorry

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I miss you.

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Thank God, I can finally type normally again. Or should I say thank you? Because I actually don't believe in God. But I do believe in you.

Have you heard Nightingale by Demi Lovato? It's beautiful, well most of her new song are amazing. I was reading the story behind it yesterday, because she mentioned in a video that it's written for her best friend who passed away some years ago. So it made me curious, so I tried to find the whole thing. I found a post on Tumblr. I was really crying while reading it. Because it was so relatable. It was comforting knowing I'm not alone with this type of story, but yet it was heartbreaking. Because when it's me I feel like it's my own fault, but seeing other people having the same troubles makes you realize none of us deserve it.

I've been talking with E lately. He's nice. He's a weird kid like the rest of us. I never thought I'd be friend with him. He just seemed too silent, but I was the like that too before. So you can't really tell how people are by that. Because I know a lot of people who assumed that I was either an "Emo" or "Gangster". But when they started talking to me, they probably realized they were wrong.

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Dear Alex,
you know I've been waiting for a change for too long. I'e waited for everything to get better for too long. I had this really emotionless time, and then the really sad one. Then I was really happy for no reason. And now. I don't feel anything. I just feel that I have to make a change. Because sitting and waiting for something to happen is boring.

I'm going back to being vegetarian first of all. Because being vegetarian keeps me eating disorder away from me. I'm gonna try nice to people, but also more honest. So next I time something pisses me off I won't leave the room to go get get my anger out by hurting myself. Next time, I'll tell them to shut the fuck up, because it isn't my fault.

I'm done with being afraid of doing something. If I feel like it, I'll go for it. Because living for pleasing everybody else, won't make my life worth.

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So this fucking annoying girl in my class, who does nothing but talk shit. I could kill her right now.

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I've always been a straight A* student in Tamil. But I got a B last year so my mum is freaking out about how i have to put myself together and get at my level again.B is good enough? Noo, it's really bad compared to what I usually get. To make it even worse I went from 100/100 to a B. On top of this shit, I just got the work from the month I was hospitalized beck in November from my physics teacher. So I have a lot to study. Tamil is the hardest language yet so beautiful. Seriously?! People expect too much from me. I'm the only one who is going to have to finish the whole Tamil education thing bc people want me to teach in the school after.

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Dear Alex,
I really can't be arsed with lazy people who constantly complain but never do anything about it. They just kill all the positive vibes, you've slowly built up. You try so hard to keep up the positveness even tho you're dying inside but they just destroy it.But sadly one of those people is my friend. It annoys me a lot, and her talking is really triggering. To be honest it annoys me too. I try so hard to recover, but no. Can't do anything about it.
-A

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Dear Alex,
Today have been alright so far. Currently in history class, boring as hell. R is feeling better today, so that's good. Today have been one of those great days. I was like really hyper last night, but it's not that bad today. So yeah, not much to say. Well, I wish I was a skater. Because going down to the skatepark without  is really awkward. And I think the skaters judge a loooooooooot. I really need some new pics for my other photoblog, but the only thing I'm interested in photographin is streetart, kids or skaters. So yeah, not much to do about it. I'll talk later, when I have more to say
 byyyyyye!
-A

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R has broken his arm. I feel guilty. I had a bad feeling before, but I didn't check on him. Actually I stopped checking on him weeks go, because I'm a selfish idiot. Why do I ever put myself before people? I hope he's ok. Maybe I should text him? But I don't know what.
Just so angry at myself right now.

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Dear Alex,
So first of all, if Blogspot  was an app, life would be soooo much easier!

Well, today I survived aha. One "attack", no reason. All of the other times it was my mind. It was me thinking about too much sad shit at once. But today's "attack" wasn't like that. It was more physically. Like I felt like my head squeezed ( or something) and that I was running out of air. J was sitting next to me. She asked me what was happening, and what I was thinking about. But I couldn't answer. I suddenly kinda felt like anything I did then the whole world would judge me. So I didn't even leave the class. But then I decided to help myself. I tried to just ignore and keep the work going, but I couldn't. Then I focused on J's breathing. I think she noticed that it helped, because I don't think people normally breathe so slow and loud (wrong word,i think).After couple of minutes I got it all under control.

Social studies went better than usual. I talked more, and according to my teacher that's good. Because apparently I have to potential, but I have to show it more. It's funny how I'm usually on top after one of those "attacks". It's like when they take it all away from me, and remind me to only keep the positive energy.

Our math teacher wasn't there today so we had this other guy. He's quite young, and most of the girls in my class think that he's hot as hell but that he's annoying. Tbh, his looks are alright but omg love his personality. He's really fun and cheeky. I don't think I've laughed so much since forever.

In German we had to do a presentation about breakfast. Which is really wierd, but our teacher loved my group's presentation, even tho we were 2 weeks late.....oops

Hung out with K after school. It was fun to talk with her after a week or something. I love how wierd we can be together. Yes, wierd. I'm not gonna change the way I spell it.

I'm afraid of ruining my body with bulimia. But it's the only thing that makes me feel good. Today I ate one bite of a bun for breakfast, 2 pieces of bread for lunch (which I planned on purging, but the school toilets were crowded and J wouldn't leave me alone), Ice Cream on the way to K. After not purging those 2 things I felt disgusting, like how do I dare put unneeded fat on my body. So we were at this European Market, where they had all these delicious things. They'd make a good binge, but I didn't buy anything. Then we went to her home again and chilled with our wierd minds.


But when I got home I was hungry as f. So I  a portion of PastaSalad and then 3 pieces of bread with egg, potatoes and tomato. Then I went for a shower. And got it all out. But I'm not sure if it's all out.
It annoys how i can never be sure if it's all out. And that if i wait too long I can't get anything up.

So I feel really empty now. I miss those times like last year Oct-Nov. Like I didn't eat anything at all, but it never made me feel hungry. Just a couple of weeks more and I'll be fine again.

I'm hungry but don't know what to do. Plus I have to do my outline about Body Image tonight....how ironic


-A

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Dear Alex,
I was at school today. It was fine. But something bothers me but I just don't know what. I don't really talk to R that much anymore, maybe that's the thing. But at least I got a new friend E. Pretty sure I told you about him before. He's really really nice, and he plays the guitar. I love walking home with him.

One of my classmates asked me what i was doing. To be exact "What,girl? Playing around with boys like crazy. Doing boys from the same group of friends isn't really good"

Me? Playing around with boys? Huh?

Some people don't understand that hanging out with people are the only thing that helps me right now. I could hang out with girls, but they talk too much.

P.E was really fun today. I had a water-fight with J. It was awesome, until someone shouted "C'mon boys, wet t-shirt comp"

Went to get McDonalds today. But just after I bought it I felt really guilty. I was trying hard to fight the thoughts, but lost battle :(

Binge and purge all over again. Just got out of shower. I'm really afraid that my mum discovers anything. But one thing, McFlurry on empty tummy is the best! Skinny feels? I'll get them.

-A

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Dear Alex,
I went to the doctor today. I was almost crying. I couldn't even say anything, I just nodded to everything. He said it's some kind of anxiety. Since I have this huge hate for therapists, he said I don't have to go to one for now. He told me to talk about it with someone I know, and just force the positive thoughts.  Right now, I need you more than anything. I don't feel like talking with anyone.  I only want to talk with you. My parents told me that I can hang out with whoever I want to, if I promised to talk with someone. But there is absolutely nobody I want to talk with. Well, maybe this one person. But I don't really think I can.

If I don't get better in the next 2-3 weeks, I'll have to talk with a therapist. The worst thing about this, is that I can't concentrate. I really need to finish the stuff for my exams. But I just can't.

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Dear Alex,
The past days have been really hard. I'm not the strong person I used to be anymore. I break down crying about the smallest thing. I used to rant about my reason to be sad to people but I don't anymore. Just the tiniest suspicious noises scare me. I feel like someone is trying to choke me, and like my head is being crushed.

My parents have noticed, so they said we're going to the doctor. I don't really know how I feel about it.

No matter how many times I've said music is my escape. I think this time is for real. Because the only time I feel safe, is when I have my headphones on and the volume is on the loudest. I haven't been able to do any of my homework,and I'm so worried. Because my oral exam stuff have to be ready soon.

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Dear Alex,

So much has happened. Let's talk about yesterday.

So I went from school down to the theatre earlier than usual. Because it was the show day, we had lots of rehearsals. A kid asked me about my scars, I lied to her. It hurts to lie to kids. My "friend" noticed my face and asked me if I she could say something to me. I said no- but asked her again later on. She said it's your own fault. She has been through depression too, how can she say something like that. In that moment I swear, if she had said one more wrong thing she wouldn't have been able to dance. 

But being the nice person I am, I told myself to chill. And I was ok with her again, even tho I still her those words. The thing about me is. When someone hurts me with words, I'll keep hearing those words in my head- They never stop. Hearing more and more, is making my head a mess. 

 

An hour before the performance, I felt like something was wrong. It wasn't me or my body. But I just had a feeling that something was wrong. My mind said it couldn't be my parents or K. So I decided that I wanted to check on R and J as always. Skaters are the people you have to check on first. 

Before I could get my phone, we had to be ready near stage. So I never checked. The performance  was alright, but i could've done better if I wasn't upset. 

When we got home after the show our door was broken. The rooms were messed up, and a lot of things were stolen. So basically, I have nice day that ends awful.

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Dear Alex,
I haven't written to you much lately, I don't even know why. I haven't felt like talking to anybody. School has started, I don't really know if I told you already. I don't really know how I feel anymore. I wanna die, but kind of not. Because I there is so much I still wanna do.

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