Sorry, that I haven't written anything to you lately. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about you. I actually got reminded of that night a few days ago. It was horrible because it felt like all over again. My friend Dan suddenly DMed, after so long that he needed my help. And of course , I said yes. He needed to find out if his gf was still alive. The thing is he lives in UK and she lives in Canada. I checked all her accounts and everything said last activity was the night before. My panic attacks started again. I felt like shit for not being able to know if she's alive or not. I said I'd help as much as possible, and let him know when I found out. So I finally found her Tumblr and send her an ask. I couldn't sleep all night, because it felt like I was back in time.

Like when you left. I remember Skyping with you until 4pm, and then you had to leave. Oh, I remember you left because I asked you to get me a pic of the new piece Jackie did and because you hadn't skated much today. You told me you'll be back by 7pm. But you never came. I sent you a message and waited. I waited and I'm still waiting. And by 11pm Jackie sent me a message about what happened. I remember telling her that she shouldn't make such a sick joke. Weeks after, and even months after I checked my Skype just hoping that it was a stupid sick prank. But after talking to Jackie on the phone, it became clear. I was just trying to convince myself you were still there, and just ignoring me. Because I'd rather have you to ignore me, than losing you.

Because of my memories, I worried about someone i don't even know. But in the next days she answered. And she was really mean. Like I wanted to slap myself for caring about her. I told Dan, but then he said " Don't say that about her, you know I love her...what did she say?" What I wanted to answer was just because you love her, doesn't make everything she does right. I wasn't even trying to come between you 2. If I wanted to I'd do it in the start. I don't deserve to feel bad for caring about a stranger...but I just said, that it doesn't matter and that I'm sorry