Dear Alex,
I need someone to cry out to. But I don't trust anyone. It's hard life. One minute, you think everything is fine and then the next second it isn't. I actually don't know what or how or why I feel anymore. I just wish I had at least one true friend. I'm not telling you my friends are fake. Well, some were but I know J,KM, K and R aren't. Or actually don't know about some of them. My definition of true friend has changed a lot. They're probably great friends, but it's me. I'm the one who can't be true.

Why am I like this? Lately I haven't had those horrible nightmares about the accident. I guess that's good, but my dreams involved  R and his brother...
I want to die. I ask people to kill me so often. Imagine if one day they didn't joke, they actually killed me. That wouldn't be good. Because then they'd get in jail. Poor soul will be living a sad life. But I would be a free soul.  I actually don't want to die anymore, when I think about. I used to wan to die, because then I could finally be with you. But that won't happen. I'm a sinner. The worst kind. I lie. I lie a lot. But I know why I do it.  I have to lie to keep people around me believing I'm alright. But since I'm telling lies almost all the time, I have to keep it. So I can't just lie to one person, I have to do it to everyone. And sometimes when I'm lying about being alright, my brain is like "why just be alright? no, make people think you're happy. It'll make them happy to know that you're great. come on,A! It's just tiny lies to make people happy. Maybe you can even fool yourself into being happy"

But now I feel guilty. I shouldn't be telling lies. If I can't say I'm not ok, then I shouldn't say anything at all...
I'll delete every lie on this blog now. Just letting you know this the guy is not true.

KM: I know this is the second time I've lied. I'm really sorry. But it was kind of comforting. I didn't only lie to you, I fooled myself too. You can ask me anything and I'll answer truthfully tonight. You may be wondering why I'll only answer tonight.Well, you can ask me anytime. But tonight is the only time I'm completely sure, I won't have to tell any lies.


-A