You're probably one of the poor people who'll understand me, when i say this. I hate my body. It's not because I wanna be thinner,thicker,curvier, smaller or taller. Because I know none of this will make me more beautiful. And I've just recovered from my ED, even tho I still relapse, but it doesn't happen often at all. Even tho I've stopped starving and purging, the hate I have for my body hasn't stopped at all. Yesterday and this morning, I actually felt quite good about my legs. My legs are usually the part I hate the most. But my calf muscles are getting more toned now, so I actually like my legs for once. But on the other side, I've forgot to do my sit-ups the past two weeks because of all exam stress so now my stomach is fat again. It's annoying me, so I'll change it. But it's annoying having such a big hate towards yourself. 

Today my dad bought me two sweaters for doing better in school for some reason. They're nice and cute but by just looking at them, I could say they didn't fit me. Even tho they were both M. But they wanted me to try them on, and I couldn't say no because my dad is easily hurt. I got into my room and took off my clothes. The mirror didn't used to be a problem for me. But when I looked in I could only see this too fat, ugly and weird-looking girl. I tried hard to get it out of my head, because I'm the one who usually wants people to see the beauty in everyone. But this time I couldn't. So I went away from the mirror put the first sweater on and went out to show them. I was trying hard to keep tears away. I then changed to the other one, and showed. Still trying not to cry.

Then I walked in my room and took it all off, and put on my usual stuff. Then I went to the bathroom,because that's the only place I can cry. I don't understand why this is happening again. This is not how I see myself. My mind is playing games with me. This is some kinda nightmare I can't get out of.

I don't understand why this is happening right before a party.