It suddenly strikes my mind, how everything is actually going down hill now. But I'm just being happy about the small things. Or am I? Isn't this just me, trying to distract myself. but how long will I be able to do this? Is this even fair against myself? Haven't I just made it all a mess,pretending to be happy. Or was I actually happy?
I don't trust anyone or anything anymore, or do I? How come I tell someone about my secrets if I don't trust? but why don't I tell them everything if I do trust them?

When people tell you that you can text them anytime you need them, do they actually mean it? or are they just trying to be nice? Do they actually care? Or are they just looking for something to relate to? Just in case, they actually meant it. How do you start talking to them? Like what do you say? Can I just text them "I'm feeling bad, and I need you"?  How can I get to the matter otherwise?

Even in real life, I don't know how to ask for help. When I used to have these panic/anxiety-attacks it was much easier to get help, because people would notice when you were shaking really bad. But what do I do when it's like this? I'm too good at pretending I'm okay, when I walk out of the house I automatically put on this smile. Because I know seeing me down triggers J, and I can't have her relapsing, she's doing so good now.