Sickest mood-swing

So I had the sickest mood-swings today. Like seriously?! Yesterday I was like all "be happy", and that continued through the morning today. So it was an alright day. We had to write an essay about life-decisions, so I wrote about my life. I always get good grades on my emotional essays, so I wrote about admitting my ED, and telling it to J, R and M. Writing the part about telling the doctor, J or M wasn't hard at all. But the R part was a little bit harder, because then  I started thinking about my angel. And how nervous I was after giving the letter. So I decided to go for a walk, when I came back I was totally fine again.

But in the last break we ended up how I found R's brother's picture, and that he doesn't even have an account where I found the picture. It was quite scary, because that means someone is using his picture. Then R&J asked if I could show them a picture of my angel, but I had to admit that I've deleted them all. R asked if I couldn't ask my angel's parents, and J asked if I couldn't get it from his sis. They really wanted to see him. I felt really bad about it, because why did I even delete all the pics? Why didn't I at least save one or something?
I thought this was going to be a day without any of these "attacks", but then it started. I had to walk out of class, I spent the whole maths lesson outside the classroom crying. So many people walked by but no-one noticed. I don't even know if I wanted people to care, because there are only a very few I want to talk with. But after the maths lesson, my friend found me. I really don't know who'll understand me better than J. She's perfect!

She tried to get me to calm down, it kind of helped. We walked in to class, but then R asked if I'm ok, and then the tears came running back. Because that boy is one of the few reminders of Alex, there is left on this earth. When I looked in his eyes, I was so ashamed of myself. Because he's helped me through so much the last 2 years, but I couldn't even do one thing for him. I ran out. Took some deep breathes and then I was ready again. So we had these double-lesson of German, I started out not feeling well and I was shaking so much, that I couldn't even do any of my work.  But J really understands me well, sometimes I even think she can read my mind, but probably not. We both tagged along with the boy group. I really prefer they boys' in my class compared to the others, even tho some say they're weird. So since J and I don't have much trouble with German, we finished ours quickly. Rest of that lesson we just sat looking at the boys having a "don't laugh"-competition and then they started doing prank-calls. It was really funny. R is sooooo adorable, that it hurts. E is the guy who never talk much or loud, but he was the one doing the prank calls. He even shouted something funny, and I was just surprised that he could sound so loud hah. But these boys got me in a really good mood.


So today's heroes: E&M&R&J


I