Dear,
Life has turned out to be much better than I would have expected but I'm sure that a huge part of it is due to me being able to change my attitude towards life. Looking back it's quite tragic to witness how hopeless I used to feel and how lonely I was. However, I'm quite relieved that I had the will to hang in there because had my actions been as loud as my words, I highly doubt that I would be alive to this day. I do actually wonder about what exactly gave me the strength?
I think I have some things that I have to admit to myself. The "you" I created never existed and never have I encountered anyone that could resemble the story of you a bit at least. But for some reason I kept clinging on to this illusion at that time. Maybe it was some kind of self-help or maybe it actually worked as the opposite. I actually don't know.
I must admit that loneliness is a feeling that shows up now and then still. There are times like this where I feel like a burden to the ones who I actually care about me and I feel like that they despite me. But this is just a flow of thoughts and they too shall soon dissappear. Life gets better for each day and this is how I've been feeling since 2017. It's all about perspective.